Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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A donkey fell in a well on Sunday. 

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As time goes on, I realize more each day that for me, work is a form of worship. I’m not condoning over work or work addictions. Adam was created to work, he was made as the keeper of the “Garden”… in some translations it may read “caretaker” or another may say “Steward” but over and over I see this underlying theme that we are to do all our work in 6 days and rest on the seventh… 

The Lord’s day, Shabbat, Day of Rest, Sunday, Saturday, Seventh Day, Sabbath, Sabot, Sabbatum, Sabbaton, Shabbath are just a few different names for the day we should keep holy. This seemingly odd command of this principle… one day out of seven, but for what?

Some religions and Christian denominations have put such a heavy emphasis on a particular day, set of rules or procedures and a dedication to this “day” that in some ways they have become a slave to the day. Rules and particulars that are so cumbersome and difficult to “keep” they literally allow no rest, if they truly “keep” the one in seven days…  They are continually, intensely and fully focused on not violating the rules and regulations that are identified with the sabbath day. 

“What is sabbath?” has this question ever truly been addressed, answered and correctly put into perspective? If so, By who? When? How?

 “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath” according to this statement, am I the lord of my sabbath? Is it for me? The sabbath is not the lord over me… Do I command the sabbath? Do I define the sabbath? Do I get to choose? Or is there some other meaning to take away from this? 

“For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath.” Who is the son of Man? Because it sure looks like the “son of man” gets to call the shots here… 

“One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.” Each one should be convinced? Wait , can’t I be convinced wrong is right? 

“So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath.” Here we go again… Who is the “Son of Man”

A quick search said there are over 100 verses that reference “Sabbath” or eludes to the concept of sabbath. That’s a lot of verses. So do your homework and see what the creator of the universe did himself and recommends us to do as well… yes, I said “recommends” (I realize its a command, but this is a blog so I get to embellish the words). The bible is clear that you won’t go to hell for a Sabbath violation, but if the one that “Knit” you into your mothers womb says “Take one day out of seven to not work…” Well, I think it’s pretty smart to pay attention.

We still need to answer who is “The Son of Man” very plainly, it is a title of Jesus, the lord of the sabbath. Did Jesus set an example? His example of rest: He Healed many times on the sabbath, he taught in the churches (synagogue) Plucking heads of grain (gathering food) and even made a point of “helping a donkey or son out of a well”..

 All these are clear examples of work, Yet the Lord of the Sabbath commands us to rest from our work… 

I guess we should look into what is work? If we can define this so well, we can achieve a perfect legal definition and in doing so, no longer violate the sabbath… or, do we simply realize we are to do things that refresh our souls and focus us on our creator? Lets not get bogged down in worldly definitions, traditions and man’s tight fisted measurements? Let us simply realize the purpose of the command, its nature, its value, its real meaning… Rest… maybe a nap? (I always try to get a Sunday nap with my girl) Maybe a trip to the store for ice cream? Maybe a movie? Maybe a task that you find refreshing? For instance…some folks like to read (I actually find reading very stressful). Maybe a puzzle? (seems like work to me) Or maybe building a donkey shelter?… Whatever you do, make it restful and Honor the God of creation on that sabbath day.

So now that we have “defined” work, I work on many things on my sabbath! I work on relationships with those that are in my life. I feed my pigs and chickens. Some days I may work on my boat, my motorcycle or perhaps I go mow the trails… The way I see it is this, “Do something different, something therapeutic, something that gives you calm, something refreshing”. If I sit all day on my sabbath, I become filled with pain from my fibro, so I need to move, I need to get out and do something. I choose to do things that really don’t “need” to be done. Instead, I do things that fill my life with things that bring me rest… like a motorcycle ride, or a boating day where I catch no fish, or preparing the trails for a relaxing hike, something non productive, something that isn’t stress. 

Remember how I started this post? Well if you read the entire post so far, I hope you find this closing helpful.  

I am asked so often: “How’s it going at Sam’s Place?” and I usually reply with some dramatic and awkward answers like “WE HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!” or  “ITS SHOCKING HOW MUCH WORK THERE IS TO DO!” Maybe what I should be saying is “Some days the Lord provides more help than I can effectively manage and I struggle to keep everyone assigned to the task at hand. Yet others are not so busy. We trust God every step of the way. There is more work than I accomplish on my own, yet somehow God provides just enough each day. Thank you for asking and thank you for your prayerful support. I would certainly like more help, we trust God will provide according to His timing.” 

I really do not want people to think I am overwhelmed (even though I may have my days). It is an extraordinary project and we have a lot to accomplish. God has given me an extraordinary skill set and I want to honor the Lord by working hard in the tasks he has assigned for me. But I do need help. 

I am still supporting my family by earning a living with Spring Lake Heating and Air. I am still raising pigs for sale. I am still a husband and a full time father to our son with special needs. I love to worship on Sundays.  I love every part of listening to a good sermon. I love Sunday school with like minded adults. I love sharing God’s good news with others. 

I work extremely hard and I love to work hard, BUT… I also need a sabbath day.

I hope this blog helps you to put your sabbath into perspective and helps you realize just how important it is to “honor the sabbath”.

How can you Honor God by setting your sabbath day apart?

“How long before I can move in?”

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We are asked from time to time, “how long before I can move in?” or move back in? This place sounds like the place I want to live! Sam’s Place is coming along, slowly! Some stories about those who have lived here in the past are pretty horrible, the water leaks… the food… we hope to do better and ask for your help to do this…

It has been a good but long week, as I struggle to find enough time, I plead my case for help. We finally got our electricity back on and I have resolved many roof leaks, still have one to go before I start the next phase of roof repairs” . It is actually just managing the conditions and starting a standard of upkeep, unfortunately, we are just going to patch things together this year.

Jess is working hard to establish a 501c3. but taking “food handling” classes and taking tests and licensing and calls and administration for Spring Lake Heating and answering the work phone and being a mother and being a wife and looking gorgeous (she really doesn’t have to work hard for that last one) …

Al is excited to have his Basketball tourney… and in his words… “That’s all that matters, right Charlie?”

Things are going well, although a bit slower than we had hoped, our goal is to get partially occupied by mid to late fall of this year. Jess and I are taking a very overdue trip to see our baby granddaughter, this week. We can’t take Al as it’s just too stressful for him more than once every couple years and even then, he doesn’t really enjoy driving across the country and flying is not an option with Al, In fact, boating on our pontoon is too much movement for him as well… All things We are working on but it takes years of conditioning, it takes a lot of time!

Our Piggies are growing so fast and when I return, they will be moved into the summer forage area from the starter pen. The broiler chickens are feathered out so they can move into the summer tractor today! The Guinee’s are disappearing one by one, no trace but seems to be at night. We haven’t a clue but I am starting to think it has to be that owl is back, silent, deadly, no trace!

We have been filling our dumpster to the brim and I am certain we have become our garbage man’s least favorite stop on Fridays… but we got to clean out the trash, and so we keep filling it up…

So anyway, today is a short read, but let me tell you this… I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU ALL!! The time you take to read our blog means more than you know, the support we have seen in this chapter is so motivating, but even so, it’s a daunting task.

It’s not what you take with you when you leave this world, it’s what you leave behind… What’s your legacy?

Charlie and Jess Hazzard

 “Un-Expected”

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As we gathered together in Cheyenne Hills Church to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, I stood but had NO JOY! I was robbed!! It was all I could do to just present myself to others with a half-painted smile. It’s the most joy-filled day of the year… or at least it should have been. But instead, I am emotionless yet again, I feel no pain, no connection and certainly no joy. This is my “Auto response”. It has engulfed me today. Swallowed me up like a small fish in front of a whale. I have no escape route. It closes in around me. I get sifted and sorted, my emotions are separated from my intellect, I can see the despair devouring my last stronghold… emotion is dried up, joy is no more… I become like an empty bag of flesh, I watch this thing swallow me, I pass into the darkness. I am slipping into the stomach, this hungry digestive organ… only to be come as fodder.  

Coping: When I was a small child, I learned how to create a coping mechanism. My “beast” is a coping mechanism to “hide from the real monsters” and not be physically absent from a situation. This same beast has haunted me for years. I don’t think anyone truly can understand what it is and how it erupts aside from me… My bride has seen it, it can literally take only seconds for my beast to devour me. The only other person that may come close to understanding is my younger brother, he was with me as I developed this “Great Beast”. It is My Hell, and it followed me to church today, snarling, snapping, biting, scratching and turning even the smallest act of kindness into a hungry devouring beast. This beast knows me all too well and this beast knows perfectly how to “push my buttons” … he is in Church, with me, on this Easter Sunday, he won’t leave me alone. 

 Our families have gathered for Good Friday service, the Church is much larger than what we are accustomed to, and nearly every seat is taken aside from the front row. We found our seats in row 2 and 3, a block of chairs on the far left of the Church. My loving bride gently held my Right hand. My oldest son Chris standing behind me with his loving bride Tiffain. Alex and Miranda carefully tending to their little bundle of “joy filled energy” named Sophia. At the other end of my row, Jacob stands with a worshipful face praising the Lord as Abigail stands filled with that same joy that energizes her special man. Between them and I stands Al, today he is nervously laughing throughout the entire service, people stop, turn, look and they don’t understand, I don’t understand. Why is he audibly laughing at what seems to be a very deep, meaningful sermon about salvation…. Is he laughing at the pastor? The pastor talks about the greatest sacrifice, is it funny? Is he laughing at the way the pastor looks on stage? Is he laughing at the fact that there is no one in front of us? I’m frustrated! It is hard for me to relax and take in the message. Why is he laughing? At what? Why so loud? Why at a serene time? As my body continues to ach from merely sitting still, the music is about to start, Al grabs his headphones and turns them on, why did he just turn them on? Now his music is playing through his headphones, and its incredibly loud in the near silent time of self-reflection, I can’t get it to stop… My phone alarm chimes in, it reminds me to check on Drax’s mealtime… but alarms don’t go silent, do they?… I’m stressed… 

My internal monologue reminds me: I’M THE ADULT! KEEP IT TOGETHER MISTER TOUGH GUY!!!

 We saw three great speakers telling a portion of the Good Friday story with a bit of perspective on the situation of good Friday. The first one spoke clearly and directly to the heart of the days leading up to Good Friday. Power and mighty words, I was glad to hear this man speak about this with reverence. The second speaker was a young man that talked about the burden of sin, and how even good people are deceived. He was captivating. This young man challenged us that there are many sitting in church that don’t know God but do know religion. They are “good” moral people, but they don’t serve God. This young preacher was caught up in passion for Jesus and delivered a message for all people about how and why we need salvation, and we need the one and only true God. Can I add this? This young preacher is my youngest son, Jacob, I am proud to know he delivered this message. 

As this service started to conclude, I was thinking that maybe Al was on track and calmed down…  I sat in my numbed heart and listened as the lead Pastor told a story of a man that asked a question, this story cut me to the very soul… I will paraphrase the story: 

A man walked into church one day and another “wiser man” asked in passing “So, how are you today?” to which the man replied, “I’m doing ok, considering the circumstances I am under” The wiser man stopped and asked “Well, why are you under there? Why are you under your circumstances?” 

Say what? Why am I under there? Why am I under there?… Did he just say “Why”? I couldn’t believe what I just heard…. It’s Simple, I am under here because I have no choice. No place safe to go. There is nowhere else to be… It’s where I belong… Devoured by the beast… Under my circumstances… 

The beast followed me all weekend, reminding me how worthless I am, how I am a failure as Als stepfather, reminding me how I have no purpose, reminding me how I am outdated, unneeded and in the way… every turn, the beast was there, every step was like walking in wet concrete, every physical pain was a stabbing reminder that I am nothing good… poor me!! Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I will go eat worms.

Today is Tuesday, I am back home after the 15 plus hour drive, I am exhausted. I sat and reflected on what happened, how it happened and why it happened. I know the physical pain of Fibromyalgia is a direct response to childhood trauma and the pain was overwhelming. I know how it’s hard to be joyful when you feel so much deep pain in the body, I think this maybe my “thorn”. I know the stress of being called names by Al… This had previously been a trigger for anger but now it is a stress trigger which in turn triggers a Fibro flare. I know that when I have a Fibro flare, I get some really bad “brain fog” which also adds to the stress because I can’t react quickly or precisely when Al starts telling me he was being stared at by a bunch of people and they were making faces at him… I need to make sure Al is safe, I need to manage Al so he doesn’t start screaming at people he thought were making faces at him while we drive down the street. I need to watch Al and move him outside at a moment’s notice… There he is, the beast is back, I was starting to think he got lost, but nope, he was just waiting for the right opportunity to ATTACK!

I need to apologize to my family today. The kids try but they really cannot understand why the patriarch of the family does this crazy disappearing act. “HEY MISTER…  Remember, you are the big tough guy, no pain is too much pain, no situation is more than you can handle, the beast is in your control at all times.” Then he gets out, THE BEAST IS IN MY HEAD!

So, back to Joy, I have every reason to be filled to overflowing with the joy of the resurrected Christ, the family that loves me, the challenges of being a stepfather and the assurance of salvation. Finding Joy is easy for me, keeping my joy is always a challenge and I don’t want to hide behind cheap excuses. I have no reason to let this beast steal my joy, yet I know if things go poorly for even a day, the beast will always be ready to take over and run wild. 

Maybe this trip was too much for Al, maybe I can handle this situation better, maybe, maybe, maybe this trip was too much for me? How do we know unless we keep trying?  We have taken Al on a few road trips, he is learning how to manage himself better but let’s be honest, it’s way harder to bring Al on a road trip than it is to leave him behind. It’s way easier to take a vacation with just my beautiful bride. Its way easier to shove Al into a home and pay some stranger to watch him… but if I took the easy route, would I be giving Al the best life? Would my sons see the man they have come to respect for never quitting? Would my wife respect me more for shrinking back away from our son because it’s easier? Would I be looking at myself in the mirror and say: “I’m so proud I was able to be selfish and do what I wanted without all the troubles?” Would I please God? Didn’t Jesus give his all for me? Don’t I owe it all to him anyway? Doesn’t he deserve my best? The song spins in my head “Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.”

So why am I writing this Blog? It’s simple, I believe this blog will help someone one day to not give in to the beast that is stalking them, and it helps me process my troubles in life as well. 

I Hope this blog has found you well today but if it has found you looking down the throat of your very own pet beast, I hope this blog gives you hope, perspective and direction to persevere on your travels to find that joy I lost, that joy that God gives daily, that joy that is worth living for. 

God bless you this day and may he fill your cup with the joy found in the resurrected Savior.