Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Is it a battle of the mind, and the soul?

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It was Easter weekend, we anticipated the arrival of two grands and the four parents and one special other-grandmother … Ham, Potatoes, Green bean casserole… so much food! We had been prepping and buying and making ready, and we had big plans. The weather started to shift and we were caught in a vicious winter storm that would end everything…  The snow storm hit and we were inundated with so much, now extra, food…. More than I could manage, and it all needed to be cooked and made ready…But now our guests, grands & kids are staying home…NO GUESTS, but food enough for 20… If we didn’t finish preparing it, it would all go bad…

 It’s now been 3 full weeks. That Easter Sunday hit more like MOAB (mother of all bombs) and the shock wave still isn’t over. The season of stress as we continue to work through the pain, wave after miserable wave.

The snow stopped and Jess started to have a low grade persistent fever, every day, all day, up to 102…  after 4 days we went to the ER… A few tests, nothing, just go home and wait… 

Next was the doctor at the clinic, just a few days later…A bunch more tests,  just go home and see if it keeps troubling you… 

A few more days have passed and … Back to the ER… a team of testing and monitoring, Just go home and see….

A few more days, I demanded to see someone,  anyone in internal medicine…. We still know nothing

Blood tests, CT scan, more blood tests, urine tests, blood tests, referrals, tests, draw more blood, pokes, prodding, BP cuffs and O2 readings… Tick borne, meningitis, kidney and liver and bladder and UTI and heart and lungs and blood …. nothing….

A referral to one specialist… “ok we have you set to see the Dr in November”… WHAT????

Another specialist was August… ARE YOU KIDDING??

Primary care Dr was only in mid May? No wait, that appointment just got taken while we talked, now it’s late May…. Ummm, she can’t wait that long, she can barely get out of bed… It’s mid April, and that’s a month out.

Three weeks of “nothing”, Jess is just starting to feel a bit better. She can only be on her feet for short periods, then it’s time to sit down. I had the privilege of coming home a couple nights ago and found Jess making dinner. She looked so tired and weak. I could see in her eyes, she was beat and exhausted, making dinner was too much. This took out anything she had left, she was empty physically. Jess just fell into my arms and said “I don’t want to be sick anymore.”  I held her and we cried together. 

I’m tired. I don’t want her to drive still because she gets so tired, I don’t know how quick her reflexes are on these deer covered roads… so we push on. 

This entire thing is because of me, I’m convinced of that. You see, a few days before she got so sick, I had to tell her some rather distasteful news… “Jess, the Dr called and I have cancer”… she went dead silent, we had been stressed all day about some problems at Sam’s Place and we hadn’t really been treating each other in the most mindful way… Stress had wiggled into our relationship and we both became easily offended… How stupid is that? The person we trust the most, and we get snotty with each other… Neither of us had done anything “BIG”, it was just that stupid stuff like putting the toilet paper on backwards or not putting the steak knives away “correct”… 

And then the cancer. I’m as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the “bad” kind, but it was the first time either of us had been diagnosed with something this dramatic. The prognosis is excellent, we caught it early, but it’s still cancer. 

I find it hard this week to keep a positive outlook… I know the word of God tells us to trust him, and that he is dependable. It’s easy to intellectually see the situation and know God is in control… But then there is the weak, sinful part of me that screams out “ENOUGH, I CANT TAKE THIS MUCH!!” and I realize, Jesus on the night he was betrayed, showed love for his enemies, and he gave his life so that his enemies might have eternal life…

I struggle with negative thoughts. WOE IS ME! God Forgive this foolish man and draw us into the joy of our LORD. 

Trusting God though the fire today, C.

Grand babies, Gods gift to us…

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In memory of all the grandparents taht have gone on before us:

Jess and I made a quick trip to the cities yesterday, we saw our son, his wife and the sweetest little grand daughter… on the way home I was able to connect with my brother and we had a spot of dinner together… That’s what I call a great day… Family!

Why do we feel this deep connection with a person we only met 6 months ago? How can my heart melt so quickly for a little girl whom I have seen so few times? 

I think it must be the gift that God gives his children, GRANPARENTHOOD. How can we understand God’s love for us if we never become grandparents? How can we truly understand God’s love for us? Well, obviously… WE CANT… But through becoming a grandparent, we can start to understand.

I believe there is a type of love that is even deeper, the love that God feels for us!

What did this little girl do to earn my love? What will she become that can make me love her more? That answer is clear… NOTHING! But can she grow up and turn away from Grandpa? The answer to that is painfully yes… I hope to never experience that but I also know it can and does happen, sometimes it’s our fault, and sometimes not. With our relationship with God,  it’s never God’s fault, only our own.

Grandpa cant fully understand the Love of God… And even though Grandpa can’t fully understand, he can get an idea of what that love is really like.  Now, let’s put that into play:

God loves us so much that he promised to buy us a pony… no wait, sorry, that’s me as a grandpa… God loved us so much that he sacrificed himself to remedy our rejection of himself. That we may have an eternal gift that we could not earn, we can not maintain, and we can not destroy. Its an indestructable Gift, a gift we can reject.

My love for my granddaughter is something I can’t explain. In fact, I have that love for 4 little people. I can’t describe it in a reasonable way but I can tell you it is nothing in comparison to the love of God for his children.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, it’s a good day to meet God and see how much he loves you. 

The sun is strong in the western sky at night, before the cold and dark sets in and chillls our bones. But today the sun rose in the east marking a beautiful new day that we can come to the Lord our God and say… Here I am God, please show me the sunrise as a reminder of your goodness and let me get to know you today. 

Feeling blessed to have these wonderful grands in our life, C.

A Valentines day Story

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It was cloudy that night. The young cowboy with chisled features was in no mood to chat. He just traveled a million miles over the ocean by way of street car. He spent his last penny on a shave and hair cut. The face of this cowboy said it all as he strolled into town for the first time after his heart was broken by the girl of his dreams. He didnt know his life was about to get a lot more complicated, the last hing this old cowpoke needed was to find love, in the town where romance had failed him…

I dug into the history of Valentine’s day a bit while thinking about what I should write about. I found a dark wormhole… I won’t get into the dark sides of this “romantic holiday”. Instead I will do a quick summary and bring it back together in the end with a beautiful true story. 

Valentine’s Day originated: 

  1. Ancient Roman rituals
    1. Lupercalia
    2. Matchmaking
  2. Christian Martyr named Valentine (or Valentinus)
    1. Secret Marriages
    2. The First “Valentine”
    3. Establishment of “Valentines Day” in 5th century, by  Pope Gelasius
  3. Slow Shift to “Romance” in the Middle Ages
    1. Poet Geoffrey Chaucer ca 1382 poem “Parliament of Fowls”, where he described birds choosing their mates on St. Valentine’s Day.
    2.  A ca 1415 poem written by Charles, Duke of Orléans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London.
  4. Modern Global celebration of romance
    1. In the 18th century, friends and lovers in Great Britain exchanged small tokens and handwritten notes. 
    2.  In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began mass-producing elaborate lace-trimmed cards in the U.S..
  5. Mass Production & Global Industry
    1. Today, over 145 million cards are exchanged annually in the U.S. alone. 
    2. Cupid

But is love romance? Is romance Love? Is romance important? Is love important? Should we care? Is Charlie a helpless romantic or an overanalytical stick in the mud? 

Romance: An intense, emotional & temporary feeling driven by passion, attraction, and ego.  Romance focuses on excitement and fantasies.

Love: A steady, selfless, and lasting commitment. Love focuses on connection, security and relationship.

Romance can exist without love. Love can exist without romance. 

Romance and Love are in many ways linked only because they get confused on where one ends and the other starts. Many times romance can lead to love, but romance can not sustain relationships, the purpose of romance is attraction (or is the purpose of attraction,  romance?)…Either way, it’s the laws of attraction that fuel romance.. but… Love? That’s a mystery… True love is defined as “self sacrificial offering and freely putting another’s needs, above your own needs, to the sole benefit of another”

Self Sacrifice? For another?  Is that even reasonable?… The bible says this: A man must “love” his wife, as Jesus loves the church (the church is the people , not the organization or the building) and GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR her…. So, Love is to give up self to the point of death (as Jesus did), for the sole benefit of another!!! WHAT ABOUT ME?? The Bible also said “Love your neighbor as yourself”.  Doesn’t that mean that self must come first so that I can love my neighbor?? Well, if you love your neighbor as much as you love yourself, doesn’t that mean you should both have the same food? Clothing? Warmth? Vacations? Cars? … Everyone having the same thing is Socialism, right?… No comrade, that’s not socialism. To give what you have to those in need, it’s called love…. Notice the command is not  “Force those that have more than others to give to others until you think it’s fair!” the command is inward, not outward, so this command is to your heart, to my heart, to measure self, not others… 

Ok, enough with this definition stuff, right?!!

Love, the love God gives us is self sacrificial, undeserved, unearned, we can no more deserve this love, nor can anyone do anything to stop God from loving us. God said: we can love because he (Jesus) first loved us… He loved us before we could love Him or others. We did nothing to earn this love, in fact, we have earned rath, punishment & JUSTICE! Because we disobeyed the law of God, Yet he loved us so much, that he gave us a way to be reconciled to Himself for eternity. God Gave his son as “payment” for what we have done, to be punished for our wrong doings. If we try to pay for our own wrong doings, we would spend forever in Hell (Yes, there is a real place called “Hell” and it is for those who reject God, so they can spend eternity exactly where they want, away, apart, separated from GOD”, it’s not beautiful, but God will give you what you want) 

The Story of God’s love for you and me is amazing. Do you know the reason God loves you? It’s easy, he Created you and gave you a reason to live. Do you know God? I hope so, because I know God, and He Loves me personally. He Wants you to know him.

God Bless, C.