It was Easter weekend, we anticipated the arrival of two grands and the four parents and one special other-grandmother … Ham, Potatoes, Green bean casserole… so much food! We had been prepping and buying and making ready, and we had big plans. The weather started to shift and we were caught in a vicious winter storm that would end everything… The snow storm hit and we were inundated with so much, now extra, food…. More than I could manage, and it all needed to be cooked and made ready…But now our guests, grands & kids are staying home…NO GUESTS, but food enough for 20… If we didn’t finish preparing it, it would all go bad…
It’s now been 3 full weeks. That Easter Sunday hit more like MOAB (mother of all bombs) and the shock wave still isn’t over. The season of stress as we continue to work through the pain, wave after miserable wave.
The snow stopped and Jess started to have a low grade persistent fever, every day, all day, up to 102… after 4 days we went to the ER… A few tests, nothing, just go home and wait…
Next was the doctor at the clinic, just a few days later…A bunch more tests, just go home and see if it keeps troubling you…
A few more days have passed and … Back to the ER… a team of testing and monitoring, Just go home and see….
A few more days, I demanded to see someone, anyone in internal medicine…. W still know nothing
Blood tests, CT scan, more blood tests, urine tests, blood tests, referrals, tests, draw more blood, pokes, prodding, BP cuffs and O2 readings… Tick borne, meningitis, kidney and liver and bladder and UTI and heart and lungs and blood …. nothing….
A referral to one specialist… “ok we have you set to see the Dr in november”… WHAT????
Another specialist was August… ARE YOU KIDDING??
Primary care Dr was only in mid May? No wait, that appointment just got taken while we talked, now it’s late May…. Ummm, she can’t wait that long, she can barely get out of bed… It’s mid April, and that’s a month out.
Three weeks of “nothing”, Jess is just starting to feel a bit better. She can only be on her feet for short periods, then it’s time to sit down. I had the privilege of coming home a couple nights ago and found Jess making dinner. She looked so tired and weak. I could see in her eyes, she was beat and exhausted, making dinner was too much. This took out anything she had left, she was empty physically. Jess just fell into my arms and said “I don’t want to be sick anymore.” I held her and we cried together.
I’m tired. I don’t want her to drive still because she gets so tired, I don’t know how quick her reflexes are on these deer covered roads… so we push on.
This entire thing is because of me, I’m convinced of that. You see, a few days before she got so sick, I had to tell her some rather distasteful news… “Jess, the Dr called and I have cancer”… she went dead silent, we had been stressed all day about some problems at Sam’s Place and we hadn’t really been treating each other in the most mindful way… Stress had wiggled into our relationship and we both became easily offended… How stupid is that? The person we trust the most, and we get snotty with each other… Neither of us had done anything “BIG”, it was just that stupid stuff like putting the toilet paper on backwards or not putting the steak knives away “correct”…
And then the cancer. I’m nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the “bad” kind, but it was the first time either of us had been diagnosed with something this dramatic. The prognosis is excellent, we caught it early, but it’s still cancer.
I find it hard this week to keep a positive outlook… I know the word of God tells us to trust him, and that he is dependable. It’s easy to intellectually see the situation and know God is in control… But then there is the weak, sinful part of me that screams out “ENOUGH, I CANT TAKE THIS MUCH!!” and I realize, Jesus on the night he was betrayed, showed love for his enemies, and he gave his life so that his enemies might have eternal life…
I struggle with negative thoughts. WOE IS ME! God Forgive this foolish man and draw us into the joy of our LORD.
Trusting God though the fire today, C.
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