Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Is it a battle of the mind, and the soul?

April 25, 2026 by Charlie

It was Easter weekend, we anticipated the arrival of two grands and the four parents and one special other-grandmother … Ham, Potatoes, Green bean casserole… so much food! We had been prepping and buying and making ready, and we had big plans. The weather started to shift and we were caught in a vicious winter storm that would end everything…  The snow storm hit and we were inundated with so much, now extra, food…. More than I could manage, and it all needed to be cooked and made ready…But now our guests, grands & kids are staying home…NO GUESTS, but food enough for 20… If we didn’t finish preparing it, it would all go bad…

 It’s now been 3 full weeks. That Easter Sunday hit more like MOAB (mother of all bombs) and the shock wave still isn’t over. The season of stress as we continue to work through the pain, wave after miserable wave.

The snow stopped and Jess started to have a low grade persistent fever, every day, all day, up to 102…  after 4 days we went to the ER… A few tests, nothing, just go home and wait… 

Next was the doctor at the clinic, just a few days later…A bunch more tests,  just go home and see if it keeps troubling you… 

A few more days have passed and … Back to the ER… a team of testing and monitoring, Just go home and see….

A few more days, I demanded to see someone,  anyone in internal medicine…. We still know nothing

Blood tests, CT scan, more blood tests, urine tests, blood tests, referrals, tests, draw more blood, pokes, prodding, BP cuffs and O2 readings… Tick borne, meningitis, kidney and liver and bladder and UTI and heart and lungs and blood …. nothing….

A referral to one specialist… “ok we have you set to see the Dr in November”… WHAT????

Another specialist was August… ARE YOU KIDDING??

Primary care Dr was only in mid May? No wait, that appointment just got taken while we talked, now it’s late May…. Ummm, she can’t wait that long, she can barely get out of bed… It’s mid April, and that’s a month out.

Three weeks of “nothing”, Jess is just starting to feel a bit better. She can only be on her feet for short periods, then it’s time to sit down. I had the privilege of coming home a couple nights ago and found Jess making dinner. She looked so tired and weak. I could see in her eyes, she was beat and exhausted, making dinner was too much. This took out anything she had left, she was empty physically. Jess just fell into my arms and said “I don’t want to be sick anymore.”  I held her and we cried together. 

I’m tired. I don’t want her to drive still because she gets so tired, I don’t know how quick her reflexes are on these deer covered roads… so we push on. 

This entire thing is because of me, I’m convinced of that. You see, a few days before she got so sick, I had to tell her some rather distasteful news… “Jess, the Dr called and I have cancer”… she went dead silent, we had been stressed all day about some problems at Sam’s Place and we hadn’t really been treating each other in the most mindful way… Stress had wiggled into our relationship and we both became easily offended… How stupid is that? The person we trust the most, and we get snotty with each other… Neither of us had done anything “BIG”, it was just that stupid stuff like putting the toilet paper on backwards or not putting the steak knives away “correct”… 

And then the cancer. I’m as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the “bad” kind, but it was the first time either of us had been diagnosed with something this dramatic. The prognosis is excellent, we caught it early, but it’s still cancer. 

I find it hard this week to keep a positive outlook… I know the word of God tells us to trust him, and that he is dependable. It’s easy to intellectually see the situation and know God is in control… But then there is the weak, sinful part of me that screams out “ENOUGH, I CANT TAKE THIS MUCH!!” and I realize, Jesus on the night he was betrayed, showed love for his enemies, and he gave his life so that his enemies might have eternal life…

I struggle with negative thoughts. WOE IS ME! God Forgive this foolish man and draw us into the joy of our LORD. 

Trusting God though the fire today, C.

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Filed Under: Faith, hope, Truth Tagged With: anxiety, Christian Living, faith, God, God is good, Jesus, trust god

The hands of an old man

March 22, 2026 by Charlie

Pedaling fast, “stunt riding” on my English 3-speed, what a dork I was… Back to the days of bike riding all day and never venturing beyond the sound of my mothers whistle… I was maybe 9 or 10.  I remember the hands of a man named John, a dear, sweet man, who lived on the block just south of me. 

He owned a “Lawn-Boy” mower, you know the one. It has a front wheel set oddly back from the front of the machine, on only one side. His back yard was fenced in the standard 4 foot tall chain link and attached to a single car garage. The magic of lawn care was flowing from this garage like the “yellow brick road leading to the emerald city” or perhaps a faithful geyser in yellowstone. With all the mystical contraptions to be utilized for the sole purpose of detailed landscaping.  He maintained the perfect lawn in North Minneapolis, at that time. 

As I steered my bicycle into the storm drain, obviously within sight of this magical garage, I felt the thump, and it was done. The front wheel wedged into the straight slots that diagonally crossed the grate, gaps that seemed to be perfectly spaced, trapping the front tire. An evil plot of its maker to collect little adventurous boys’ front tires… The Storm grates sole purpose was to give a man a reason to help the little boy escape the evil peril.

As he strolled the short block to where I was stuck and helped me whenever I got my front wheel trapped… a sewer grate… I think he knew, no, I KNOW he knew it was a trick to gain attention. 

My father came home one day to see me stuck. The first time it happened was actually an accident… dad whooped me hard that day and yelled at me… but the man with the lawn mower was kind, you could see patience and concern after he saw the rage my father had, a contrast so great, I had a longing to experience that kindness again, even if I needed to manipulate my world.  I had no idea a man could be kind… 

 I admit, I did this on purpose a few times to get attention from this pillar of a man that guided my life. Kindness was real, it wasn’t just found in story books. …. 

This man I knew only as John showed patience and concern over the many years of my childhood. I would hang out with him, watch him sharpen his mower blades, help him with little things like sweeping the sidewalk. His mower Blades seemed to always be dull and in need of a quick tune up and rebalancing. The magnificent lawn and a perfectly maintained mower were his only jobs. He had a wife, but I can no longer picture what her appearance was, I just remember she would appear from time to time dressed in her Sunday clothes on the way to church.

I remember the hands, big, strong, wrinkled and spotted. As he lumbered over to where I had again gotten my bicycle stuck, his arms extended and with no effort, removed the bike wheel as if it were as easy as taking a breath. 

Today I went online to order supplies for a job and I was reminded of this man! I looked down at the keyboard setting on my desk and I saw John’s hands. This time they were attached to my arms. Although there are no kids with front wheels stuck in the storm sewer on the corner of 35th & Sheridan in north Minneapolis, I couldn’t understand why he left his hands behind and why in the world are they attached to my arms???

I may not have a small child in my neighborhood, I may not have a pristine yard with a spotlessly clean lawnmower that reads “LAWN-BOY” across the front… What I do have is the little boy’s memories and the old man’s hands. In some ways, these two people have again met and somehow defied the laws of space and time to see the need to help a struggling little boy…

I serve these “boys”, some older than me.. Sam’s Place, (SIGH) some of  these guys have never seen a kind man with strong, wrinkled hands… they may have only felt the calloused back hand from fathers. A hand that steals. A hand that beats down another. Maybe they have only known the harsh words of a father screaming at them? Words of how worthless they are? Perhaps they have never known the kindness of a loving father (or a man named John)? Perhaps they reject the kindness of a man trying to help, because experience tells them nobody helps out of kindness but rather out of selfish gain??? 

Maybe they need help with the “bicycle and storm grate” of their youth? 

These old man’s hands typing on the computer are not mine, they belong to the old man named John! Wrinkles and lines, spots and calluses. The years have handed me these hands and I hope to pass them on to the next man named… Well I don’t know his name, probably never will.  

Hands passed down are now together and apart…

Yesterday I felt like I was only thirty, the day before it seemed like I was 20, and the day before that, I was a little boy looking at an old man’s hands… Now the old man’s hands are mine. 

May God Bless you this day with the hands you need, C.

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Filed Under: Christian Living, Faith, hope, PTSD, Sam's Place, Truth Tagged With: anxiety, Christian Living, faith, God, trust god

Where are “Joshua and Caleb?”

March 7, 2026 by Charlie

When men stand up and be mentors to other men.

So often I see women’s groups flourish at studying the bible, helping each other out and being social… but men? I haven’t been in a men’s group for over ten years, not because I am not interested but rather because men’s groups always seem to be the same story… If your church has a men’s group, it’s likely serving widows (which is great), a basketball game on Thursdays (which is healthy) or a men’s breakfast that happens every few months (nothing wrong with this either). Or maybe I am missing something?

I had a man tell me his story about trying to start a men’s group that digs deep and studies the word of God. He was met with negativity, complicated requirements and very little encouragement from leadership… Shortly after his failed attempt, the same guys that explained how the idea was “stupid” started to develop a “men’s group”. This group did “guy stuff” shooting, fishing, sports… He watched a group of guys put together a “fun day” with a short devotional at the end, but was never asked to participate at any level… Have you ever experienced this? I did some digging and sadly I discovered this is very common.  

What is it about men? Are the only things we care about is the latest sports score? The largest walleye? And how the “buffoon” made them laugh in the last episode of “the Simpsons’ or Family Guy” or “Al Bundy insults everyone” … Is that who men have become now? 

I called some area churches a while back, asked one simple question: “Do you have any men’s groups at your church?” The answer was no, universally every church I was able to connect with and every man I asked was a simple no, and some answers sounded like they had never even heard of a men’s group to study the bible. 

December 20, 2025, I dove into a topic that is important to me, “Exploring Masculine Identity Struggles”… I cant give you all the details, but lets just say, being a man these days is definitely not “PC”… The common issues are 

  • Persistent feelings of pretending
  • Guessing rather than confident decisions
  • Anxiety about being inadequate
  • Craving order but never finding it
  • Difficulty in meeting standards for fear of criticism
  • Not being supported in emotional reactions causing shut down

In short, men need men to find healthy masculine pathways, feedback that supports growth and accountability of balance between assertiveness and softness… 

Fast forward to today, I have asked so many guys… “Would you be interested in helping us out at Sams Place by mentoring or helping lead a bible study?” Where are the men that the bible talks about with “IRON SHARPENS IRON” Where are the men of God, the strong, valiant and fierce men of God? 

Where are “Joshua and Caleb”? The man who led the Israelites across the Jordan into the promised land as leaders who serve the people and represent a model of faith, military leadership, and covenant obedience…. 

When men step out, back and down from the roles God has appointed to  them to do, things go wrong. 

Joshua and Caleb who returned and reported after 40 days of scouting: The land is good and favorable. The other ten came back and reported about the giants and there was no way to win? They had “defeated themselves” even before they started.

Are we men of God like Caleb & Joshua or the other ten, fearful of failure… that is entirely up to you. I suggest we stand up today and say “HERE AM I, SEND ME”.

We are never too messed up (like Sampson), Poor of speech (like Moses), foolish (like a talking DONKEY) or criminal (like the murderous King David) to be used by our God…

May the peace that supasses all understanding be with you today, C.

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Filed Under: Christian Living, Faith, Sam's Place, Truth Tagged With: Christian Living, faith, God, step dad, trust god

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