Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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I’m an odd duck…. Or am I a quack?

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When life gets messy, do you run and hide? Do you become hostile? Do you immediately switch into “damage control mode”? We all react differently in these situations and sometimes we regret the choices we have made in the past. As a Christian, what is the Biblical response to adversity? When things go south, what should we do? 

Peter in the boat cries out to Jesus who is passing them by, walking in the water… Peter leaps out at the first call from Jesus to step out in faith, but then he doubted his calling and sank.

Peter exclaims he would go to the place of death with Jesus on that fateful Friday but instead he hears the rooster crow, showing him how he failed again to have faith.

Jonah outwardly refused to do the will of God, but still ended up in Nineveh, to preach the word.

Esther complained to uncle Mordecai. Her uncle simply revealed if she didn’t do the calling on her life, God would raise another in her place.

Jess and I have been called to Sam’s Place, to serve those in need. When things get “messy” do we walk away? Or dig in for the hard push? Faith is one area God has gifted me. The truth is … it has topped my spiritual gift list for about 15 years now… prior to this it ranked in the bottom three.  I have no doubts about what Jess and I are doing.

BUT!!! This past week has put us both to the test. Let me tell you of some folks that could live at Sam’s Place. “Joe” had no family. Parents died years ago. Family is far away in a different state. Alone, lonely and tossed around from place to place. And “Bob” is a similar story as far as some aspects go… things got messy, I mean really messy, and it took a few days to get things worked out to get them better help, the system is the real mess. These two are humans that need a special kind of care… CARE!  The level of care we at Sam’s Place would love to offer but we are not set up for this level of care. We have to make decisions all the time to provide the right level of care… AND IT’S MESSY!! But we don’t quit. 

Let me tell you who we can care for: 

We can provide care for the lonely woman, living in the house or an apartment but struggling to keep the house clean, maybe forgets to take meds and would rather just stay away from people all day.

We provide care for the guy living with mental illness that just needs someone to monitor his mental health on a daily basis because he gets so busy with work that he forgets to eat or take his meds. 

We take care of the single mother that is trying to get her life together after her husband stops being part of her life, and she just needs help for a year or two.

That Vietnam Veteran down the block that looks out his window…  to make sure the kids are not coming into the yard to rip out the tulips he just planted.

That guy that’s always been an outsider in life, living in the trailer behind his mothers house when she was still alive.

The old guy that doesnt mean to make inappropriate comments but rather wants to say something nice, and always says it the most offensive way.

These are the folks Sam’s Place is looking to help, People made in God’s image, Messy people that you may not ever talk to because association with them may be embarrassing. People who may not always know what reality looks like and need a reminder that they can live a healthy and normal life, with a bit of help.

I’m reminded of Burl Ives narrating Rudolf the red nosed reindeer… Telling about the “Island of Misfit Toys” … The toys that are rejected by society for being old fashioned, odd in nature, not conforming to expectations… struggling to find a home, a place where they are just loved and accepted… A place where a Gal walks in and says “This is so much nicer than the places I’ve had to live” and she goes on to say, “Its clean!” Imagine, you just want a place to live that’s not gross! A place that’s not riddled with drugs and “drunk” smells. 

Give me your tired,

your poor,

your huddled masses

yearning to breathe free.

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:

I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

America is the biggest “dream land” in the world, folks are coming in by the 10 thousands, because it is the best place to live in all the world. It’s not a “fairytale” like Disneyland, it’s real, it’s messy, it’s home. Like America, Sam’s Place truly is the place of opportunity, for those we serve. 

Let’s get messy together! Let’s not worry about what someone “may say” . Let’s just make Sam’s Place the best community friendly, safe, loving and best place for everyone! Even if you don’t live or work there, you can still show love and compassion for the brother or sister, mother or father, uncle or aunt, veteran or orphan…

Serving others with love, sometimes will get messy. That’s ok. 

Charlie

Fairytales, unkept promises, like Disneyland.

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The other day Jess and I were chatting and reminiscing about our previous lives. I wonder if other couples talk about “Before we met”. Do other blended family couples pretend the past has simply vanished? Or are we different, I don’t know. In our conversation I mentioned I never got to take the boys on a “fairytale vacation”, like Disneyland or a cruise or some far off land where every families dreams come true… I glanced at Jess, just in time, to see her face turn down and she looked so sad… I will divulge why in a few paragraphs, but first, I will dig into my fairytale vacation. 

What was my “Fairytale” trip with my three sons? I had so many trips planned, some big, some small but all were amazing (in my minds eye). Do you have a fairytale trip? Or maybe life beat you down like it did to me and you never fully recovered from that beating? Probably my biggest fairytale trip was driving and camping to the east coast and west coast… East to Washington DC and Maine for National history then drop down to Tennessee, the Blue ridges, Kentucky and back up to good old Minnesota… West through Montana to Washington to see the ocean and swing south to see the Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower, Mount Rushmore and back up to the cities.  

My Trips were always the “natural” wonders and places of historical relevance. I never wanted to see Disneyland (and to be honest, it’s repulsive to think about going there now). Jess however had a different set of dreams… The one thing in common was a desire to share the world with our children, being with them and growing together. Jess had grandparents that took the 3 sisters on trips all over… These trips are still invoking fond memories for Jess. These trips are more than just a vacation, they took Jess on a childhood wonderland that nurtured her innocence, satisfied her adventurous side and filled her with years of joy filled memories.

I too have “fond” memories of trips my father took us on… I never had trips with the Grands. My trips involved a hot car, laying on the floor of the back seat right above the exhaust discharge and being shoved into the back window deck of a 1969 Ford Fairlane 2-door… 5 kids, mom and dad and my smelly dog named Tobias Winslow. Coat hangers were “professionally” installed and held up the exhaust that contained more soup cans that obviously exceeded the original equipment specs. I would say it hardly leaked much exhaust into the passenger compartment, never making us sick. The gas tank fell out rounding the corner of Broadway and Penn Ave on our way back from the Salvation Army Store (collecting more of my fathers hoarder stuff) and more “MacGyver creativity” with wire coat hangers to make the perfect long term repair. But that is yet another story.

Back to Jess… you see, Jess had made a promise to Sam, a mothers promise to her son that when he could use the “potty” like a big boy, they would take a trip to the most magical place in all the world. A place that held mystery, magic and hope… The dream of all dreams where fantasy comes true… As Walt himself once said “I think most of all what I want Disneyland to be is a happy place… where parents and children can have fun, together”

This “Fairytale” was about to start slipping away, a journey of around 20 years… A dream that was murdered by the heartless folds of life. Year after year, Jess held on to this promise, never intending to “skip out”. Never intending to make a promise that she would never keep. As Al grew, his behaviors became a daily management task, a full time job! So big was the job of being Als mom, that she soon fell into a serious depression. So deep that it kept her locked into the room marked “SURVIVAL ONLY” for many years. The hard decision was made, she had to separate Sam from Al, to keep Sam safe.

Doing the only thing she could, she moved blocks away from her baby boy, keeping in mind the promise of Disneyland, putting Sam’s safety ahead of herself and providing everything Al needed. Jess had now laid down her life for her two little boys, putting them first in everything. Torn in half, broken, beaten and collapsing under the weight, but holding onto the Hope of Jesus… As she watched her dream of Disneyland slipping further away, she settled into a reality that hurt and could not be avoided. Disneyland was slipping further away from reality. 

Jess and I don’t plan on giving up our dreams of travel across the USA, but it gets complicated. We have our shared dreams, our “places to go” lists. Our question is “HOW”. We have tried so many different ideas on how to make our trips a reality, but there is so much we still need to iron out… It may be hard for many to imagine, but traveling with Al is way more complicated than traveling with a baby in a car seat. Or as my father did, having us laying on the floor or on the ledge of the back window. Travel with Al is actually always “traveling for Al”. I can see how Disneyland was never a viable option, I have learned so much about the stress families have with a special needs child… I never would have guessed it could be this hard. Don’t get me wrong, Al is a blessing and we love him, I don’t regret for a minute being his provider, parent and teacher… But, to be completely transparent, he is not easy to take care of.

I bet you thought this was about Disneyland… It is actually about the broken heart of a mother?

Sam is buried only a couple miles down the road, Jess likes to stop in from time to time to sit, remember and pretend to have a conversation with Sam. I am sure she likes to imagine Sam running around Disneyland, smiling, eating too much junk food and just being her baby boy that learned how to “Potty like a big boy”…

The dream is never going to become reality now. The stress of losing a son when he is only 22. Breaking a life long promise. Somedays, this would be more than enough to put the strongest of men into bed, weeping for days… Jess is amazing, strong, resilient and capable. Although the “fantasy” trip to Disneyland has been retired, she has found a new hope, a new dream and a new reason to pursue life.

Grandbabies! Sophia, Sadie and the one due in April… Sam’s place. The Redwood forest, the Gulf stream waters. The dreams are different now. The Lord always has and will continue to sustain us, comfort us and give us HOPE, hope comes from God. 

I was told only babies cry, so I guess I am the biggest baby of all. One day I want to write about why I always joke when emotions are high. If you have ADHD, you may very well be very empathetic, you can feel the pain of others, sometimes more than the person who is feeling the emotions… I think that’s me.

May Gods presence be with you today and always, Charlie.

“How long before I can move in?”

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We are asked from time to time, “how long before I can move in?” or move back in? This place sounds like the place I want to live! Sam’s Place is coming along, slowly! Some stories about those who have lived here in the past are pretty horrible, the water leaks… the food… we hope to do better and ask for your help to do this…

It has been a good but long week, as I struggle to find enough time, I plead my case for help. We finally got our electricity back on and I have resolved many roof leaks, still have one to go before I start the next phase of roof repairs” . It is actually just managing the conditions and starting a standard of upkeep, unfortunately, we are just going to patch things together this year.

Jess is working hard to establish a 501c3. but taking “food handling” classes and taking tests and licensing and calls and administration for Spring Lake Heating and answering the work phone and being a mother and being a wife and looking gorgeous (she really doesn’t have to work hard for that last one) …

Al is excited to have his Basketball tourney… and in his words… “That’s all that matters, right Charlie?”

Things are going well, although a bit slower than we had hoped, our goal is to get partially occupied by mid to late fall of this year. Jess and I are taking a very overdue trip to see our baby granddaughter, this week. We can’t take Al as it’s just too stressful for him more than once every couple years and even then, he doesn’t really enjoy driving across the country and flying is not an option with Al, In fact, boating on our pontoon is too much movement for him as well… All things We are working on but it takes years of conditioning, it takes a lot of time!

Our Piggies are growing so fast and when I return, they will be moved into the summer forage area from the starter pen. The broiler chickens are feathered out so they can move into the summer tractor today! The Guinee’s are disappearing one by one, no trace but seems to be at night. We haven’t a clue but I am starting to think it has to be that owl is back, silent, deadly, no trace!

We have been filling our dumpster to the brim and I am certain we have become our garbage man’s least favorite stop on Fridays… but we got to clean out the trash, and so we keep filling it up…

So anyway, today is a short read, but let me tell you this… I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU ALL!! The time you take to read our blog means more than you know, the support we have seen in this chapter is so motivating, but even so, it’s a daunting task.

It’s not what you take with you when you leave this world, it’s what you leave behind… What’s your legacy?

Charlie and Jess Hazzard