Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Fairytales, unkept promises, like Disneyland.

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The other day Jess and I were chatting and reminiscing about our previous lives. I wonder if other couples talk about “Before we met”. Do other blended family couples pretend the past has simply vanished? Or are we different, I don’t know. In our conversation I mentioned I never got to take the boys on a “fairytale vacation”, like Disneyland or a cruise or some far off land where every families dreams come true… I glanced at Jess, just in time, to see her face turn down and she looked so sad… I will divulge why in a few paragraphs, but first, I will dig into my fairytale vacation. 

What was my “Fairytale” trip with my three sons? I had so many trips planned, some big, some small but all were amazing (in my minds eye). Do you have a fairytale trip? Or maybe life beat you down like it did to me and you never fully recovered from that beating? Probably my biggest fairytale trip was driving and camping to the east coast and west coast… East to Washington DC and Maine for National history then drop down to Tennessee, the Blue ridges, Kentucky and back up to good old Minnesota… West through Montana to Washington to see the ocean and swing south to see the Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower, Mount Rushmore and back up to the cities.  

My Trips were always the “natural” wonders and places of historical relevance. I never wanted to see Disneyland (and to be honest, it’s repulsive to think about going there now). Jess however had a different set of dreams… The one thing in common was a desire to share the world with our children, being with them and growing together. Jess had grandparents that took the 3 sisters on trips all over… These trips are still invoking fond memories for Jess. These trips are more than just a vacation, they took Jess on a childhood wonderland that nurtured her innocence, satisfied her adventurous side and filled her with years of joy filled memories.

I too have “fond” memories of trips my father took us on… I never had trips with the Grands. My trips involved a hot car, laying on the floor of the back seat right above the exhaust discharge and being shoved into the back window deck of a 1969 Ford Fairlane 2-door… 5 kids, mom and dad and my smelly dog named Tobias Winslow. Coat hangers were “professionally” installed and held up the exhaust that contained more soup cans that obviously exceeded the original equipment specs. I would say it hardly leaked much exhaust into the passenger compartment, never making us sick. The gas tank fell out rounding the corner of Broadway and Penn Ave on our way back from the Salvation Army Store (collecting more of my fathers hoarder stuff) and more “MacGyver creativity” with wire coat hangers to make the perfect long term repair. But that is yet another story.

Back to Jess… you see, Jess had made a promise to Sam, a mothers promise to her son that when he could use the “potty” like a big boy, they would take a trip to the most magical place in all the world. A place that held mystery, magic and hope… The dream of all dreams where fantasy comes true… As Walt himself once said “I think most of all what I want Disneyland to be is a happy place… where parents and children can have fun, together”

This “Fairytale” was about to start slipping away, a journey of around 20 years… A dream that was murdered by the heartless folds of life. Year after year, Jess held on to this promise, never intending to “skip out”. Never intending to make a promise that she would never keep. As Al grew, his behaviors became a daily management task, a full time job! So big was the job of being Als mom, that she soon fell into a serious depression. So deep that it kept her locked into the room marked “SURVIVAL ONLY” for many years. The hard decision was made, she had to separate Sam from Al, to keep Sam safe.

Doing the only thing she could, she moved blocks away from her baby boy, keeping in mind the promise of Disneyland, putting Sam’s safety ahead of herself and providing everything Al needed. Jess had now laid down her life for her two little boys, putting them first in everything. Torn in half, broken, beaten and collapsing under the weight, but holding onto the Hope of Jesus… As she watched her dream of Disneyland slipping further away, she settled into a reality that hurt and could not be avoided. Disneyland was slipping further away from reality. 

Jess and I don’t plan on giving up our dreams of travel across the USA, but it gets complicated. We have our shared dreams, our “places to go” lists. Our question is “HOW”. We have tried so many different ideas on how to make our trips a reality, but there is so much we still need to iron out… It may be hard for many to imagine, but traveling with Al is way more complicated than traveling with a baby in a car seat. Or as my father did, having us laying on the floor or on the ledge of the back window. Travel with Al is actually always “traveling for Al”. I can see how Disneyland was never a viable option, I have learned so much about the stress families have with a special needs child… I never would have guessed it could be this hard. Don’t get me wrong, Al is a blessing and we love him, I don’t regret for a minute being his provider, parent and teacher… But, to be completely transparent, he is not easy to take care of.

I bet you thought this was about Disneyland… It is actually about the broken heart of a mother?

Sam is buried only a couple miles down the road, Jess likes to stop in from time to time to sit, remember and pretend to have a conversation with Sam. I am sure she likes to imagine Sam running around Disneyland, smiling, eating too much junk food and just being her baby boy that learned how to “Potty like a big boy”…

The dream is never going to become reality now. The stress of losing a son when he is only 22. Breaking a life long promise. Somedays, this would be more than enough to put the strongest of men into bed, weeping for days… Jess is amazing, strong, resilient and capable. Although the “fantasy” trip to Disneyland has been retired, she has found a new hope, a new dream and a new reason to pursue life.

Grandbabies! Sophia, Sadie and the one due in April… Sam’s place. The Redwood forest, the Gulf stream waters. The dreams are different now. The Lord always has and will continue to sustain us, comfort us and give us HOPE, hope comes from God. 

I was told only babies cry, so I guess I am the biggest baby of all. One day I want to write about why I always joke when emotions are high. If you have ADHD, you may very well be very empathetic, you can feel the pain of others, sometimes more than the person who is feeling the emotions… I think that’s me.

May Gods presence be with you today and always, Charlie.

“How long before I can move in?”

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We are asked from time to time, “how long before I can move in?” or move back in? This place sounds like the place I want to live! Sam’s Place is coming along, slowly! Some stories about those who have lived here in the past are pretty horrible, the water leaks… the food… we hope to do better and ask for your help to do this…

It has been a good but long week, as I struggle to find enough time, I plead my case for help. We finally got our electricity back on and I have resolved many roof leaks, still have one to go before I start the next phase of roof repairs” . It is actually just managing the conditions and starting a standard of upkeep, unfortunately, we are just going to patch things together this year.

Jess is working hard to establish a 501c3. but taking “food handling” classes and taking tests and licensing and calls and administration for Spring Lake Heating and answering the work phone and being a mother and being a wife and looking gorgeous (she really doesn’t have to work hard for that last one) …

Al is excited to have his Basketball tourney… and in his words… “That’s all that matters, right Charlie?”

Things are going well, although a bit slower than we had hoped, our goal is to get partially occupied by mid to late fall of this year. Jess and I are taking a very overdue trip to see our baby granddaughter, this week. We can’t take Al as it’s just too stressful for him more than once every couple years and even then, he doesn’t really enjoy driving across the country and flying is not an option with Al, In fact, boating on our pontoon is too much movement for him as well… All things We are working on but it takes years of conditioning, it takes a lot of time!

Our Piggies are growing so fast and when I return, they will be moved into the summer forage area from the starter pen. The broiler chickens are feathered out so they can move into the summer tractor today! The Guinee’s are disappearing one by one, no trace but seems to be at night. We haven’t a clue but I am starting to think it has to be that owl is back, silent, deadly, no trace!

We have been filling our dumpster to the brim and I am certain we have become our garbage man’s least favorite stop on Fridays… but we got to clean out the trash, and so we keep filling it up…

So anyway, today is a short read, but let me tell you this… I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU ALL!! The time you take to read our blog means more than you know, the support we have seen in this chapter is so motivating, but even so, it’s a daunting task.

It’s not what you take with you when you leave this world, it’s what you leave behind… What’s your legacy?

Charlie and Jess Hazzard

 “Un-Expected”

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As we gathered together in Cheyenne Hills Church to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, I stood but had NO JOY! I was robbed!! It was all I could do to just present myself to others with a half-painted smile. It’s the most joy-filled day of the year… or at least it should have been. But instead, I am emotionless yet again, I feel no pain, no connection and certainly no joy. This is my “Auto response”. It has engulfed me today. Swallowed me up like a small fish in front of a whale. I have no escape route. It closes in around me. I get sifted and sorted, my emotions are separated from my intellect, I can see the despair devouring my last stronghold… emotion is dried up, joy is no more… I become like an empty bag of flesh, I watch this thing swallow me, I pass into the darkness. I am slipping into the stomach, this hungry digestive organ… only to be come as fodder.  

Coping: When I was a small child, I learned how to create a coping mechanism. My “beast” is a coping mechanism to “hide from the real monsters” and not be physically absent from a situation. This same beast has haunted me for years. I don’t think anyone truly can understand what it is and how it erupts aside from me… My bride has seen it, it can literally take only seconds for my beast to devour me. The only other person that may come close to understanding is my younger brother, he was with me as I developed this “Great Beast”. It is My Hell, and it followed me to church today, snarling, snapping, biting, scratching and turning even the smallest act of kindness into a hungry devouring beast. This beast knows me all too well and this beast knows perfectly how to “push my buttons” … he is in Church, with me, on this Easter Sunday, he won’t leave me alone. 

 Our families have gathered for Good Friday service, the Church is much larger than what we are accustomed to, and nearly every seat is taken aside from the front row. We found our seats in row 2 and 3, a block of chairs on the far left of the Church. My loving bride gently held my Right hand. My oldest son Chris standing behind me with his loving bride Tiffain. Alex and Miranda carefully tending to their little bundle of “joy filled energy” named Sophia. At the other end of my row, Jacob stands with a worshipful face praising the Lord as Abigail stands filled with that same joy that energizes her special man. Between them and I stands Al, today he is nervously laughing throughout the entire service, people stop, turn, look and they don’t understand, I don’t understand. Why is he audibly laughing at what seems to be a very deep, meaningful sermon about salvation…. Is he laughing at the pastor? The pastor talks about the greatest sacrifice, is it funny? Is he laughing at the way the pastor looks on stage? Is he laughing at the fact that there is no one in front of us? I’m frustrated! It is hard for me to relax and take in the message. Why is he laughing? At what? Why so loud? Why at a serene time? As my body continues to ach from merely sitting still, the music is about to start, Al grabs his headphones and turns them on, why did he just turn them on? Now his music is playing through his headphones, and its incredibly loud in the near silent time of self-reflection, I can’t get it to stop… My phone alarm chimes in, it reminds me to check on Drax’s mealtime… but alarms don’t go silent, do they?… I’m stressed… 

My internal monologue reminds me: I’M THE ADULT! KEEP IT TOGETHER MISTER TOUGH GUY!!!

 We saw three great speakers telling a portion of the Good Friday story with a bit of perspective on the situation of good Friday. The first one spoke clearly and directly to the heart of the days leading up to Good Friday. Power and mighty words, I was glad to hear this man speak about this with reverence. The second speaker was a young man that talked about the burden of sin, and how even good people are deceived. He was captivating. This young man challenged us that there are many sitting in church that don’t know God but do know religion. They are “good” moral people, but they don’t serve God. This young preacher was caught up in passion for Jesus and delivered a message for all people about how and why we need salvation, and we need the one and only true God. Can I add this? This young preacher is my youngest son, Jacob, I am proud to know he delivered this message. 

As this service started to conclude, I was thinking that maybe Al was on track and calmed down…  I sat in my numbed heart and listened as the lead Pastor told a story of a man that asked a question, this story cut me to the very soul… I will paraphrase the story: 

A man walked into church one day and another “wiser man” asked in passing “So, how are you today?” to which the man replied, “I’m doing ok, considering the circumstances I am under” The wiser man stopped and asked “Well, why are you under there? Why are you under your circumstances?” 

Say what? Why am I under there? Why am I under there?… Did he just say “Why”? I couldn’t believe what I just heard…. It’s Simple, I am under here because I have no choice. No place safe to go. There is nowhere else to be… It’s where I belong… Devoured by the beast… Under my circumstances… 

The beast followed me all weekend, reminding me how worthless I am, how I am a failure as Als stepfather, reminding me how I have no purpose, reminding me how I am outdated, unneeded and in the way… every turn, the beast was there, every step was like walking in wet concrete, every physical pain was a stabbing reminder that I am nothing good… poor me!! Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I will go eat worms.

Today is Tuesday, I am back home after the 15 plus hour drive, I am exhausted. I sat and reflected on what happened, how it happened and why it happened. I know the physical pain of Fibromyalgia is a direct response to childhood trauma and the pain was overwhelming. I know how it’s hard to be joyful when you feel so much deep pain in the body, I think this maybe my “thorn”. I know the stress of being called names by Al… This had previously been a trigger for anger but now it is a stress trigger which in turn triggers a Fibro flare. I know that when I have a Fibro flare, I get some really bad “brain fog” which also adds to the stress because I can’t react quickly or precisely when Al starts telling me he was being stared at by a bunch of people and they were making faces at him… I need to make sure Al is safe, I need to manage Al so he doesn’t start screaming at people he thought were making faces at him while we drive down the street. I need to watch Al and move him outside at a moment’s notice… There he is, the beast is back, I was starting to think he got lost, but nope, he was just waiting for the right opportunity to ATTACK!

I need to apologize to my family today. The kids try but they really cannot understand why the patriarch of the family does this crazy disappearing act. “HEY MISTER…  Remember, you are the big tough guy, no pain is too much pain, no situation is more than you can handle, the beast is in your control at all times.” Then he gets out, THE BEAST IS IN MY HEAD!

So, back to Joy, I have every reason to be filled to overflowing with the joy of the resurrected Christ, the family that loves me, the challenges of being a stepfather and the assurance of salvation. Finding Joy is easy for me, keeping my joy is always a challenge and I don’t want to hide behind cheap excuses. I have no reason to let this beast steal my joy, yet I know if things go poorly for even a day, the beast will always be ready to take over and run wild. 

Maybe this trip was too much for Al, maybe I can handle this situation better, maybe, maybe, maybe this trip was too much for me? How do we know unless we keep trying?  We have taken Al on a few road trips, he is learning how to manage himself better but let’s be honest, it’s way harder to bring Al on a road trip than it is to leave him behind. It’s way easier to take a vacation with just my beautiful bride. Its way easier to shove Al into a home and pay some stranger to watch him… but if I took the easy route, would I be giving Al the best life? Would my sons see the man they have come to respect for never quitting? Would my wife respect me more for shrinking back away from our son because it’s easier? Would I be looking at myself in the mirror and say: “I’m so proud I was able to be selfish and do what I wanted without all the troubles?” Would I please God? Didn’t Jesus give his all for me? Don’t I owe it all to him anyway? Doesn’t he deserve my best? The song spins in my head “Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.”

So why am I writing this Blog? It’s simple, I believe this blog will help someone one day to not give in to the beast that is stalking them, and it helps me process my troubles in life as well. 

I Hope this blog has found you well today but if it has found you looking down the throat of your very own pet beast, I hope this blog gives you hope, perspective and direction to persevere on your travels to find that joy I lost, that joy that God gives daily, that joy that is worth living for. 

God bless you this day and may he fill your cup with the joy found in the resurrected Savior.