Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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How do I love thee, let me count the ways.

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How do I love thee, let me count the ways.

Love is such an awesome word, don’t you agree? What other word can we miss use so easily? I love my wife, I love my dog, I love fruit loops, I love my brother, I love my grandchild… and on and on we go, just loving anything. But how do I love my wife? Do I lay down my life for my wife the same way I do for a salmon dinner in a fine restaurant? Or if I have to choose between my granddaughter and my chickens, am I indifferent? 

This morning, I sat at my table drinking coffee and thought about how much I love having a warm comfortable home. My beautiful wife walks in and says, “good morning, Hunny, I love you!” Does she think I am a warm comfortable house? Of course not, so what is it about the word “love” anyway? Well, I think it’s best described in the Greek language with three or maybe its four distinctly different words. Is it important to know the difference? Maybe not. We understand the difference because we can relate to the nuances of our simple language and how to apply each variation.

In Greek, (as I understand it, and I’m sure my interpretation is less perfect) the word for love is split into four:  Agape, Philia, Eros and Storge.

 Agape is a word for a pure and self-sacrificial love, the kind of love that is never affected by the subject of that love. In other words, you can in no way change the love that is given in “Agape”. Not in thought, word or deed. Agape is freely given, and your actions have no bearing on that love in any way. It is the highest form of love, and the deepest form of love. I really don’t have any other example than John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son….” Loving his creation so much that he sacrificed his “SON” so we can be forgiven for our willful sin (no matter how small that sin may seem).

Philia, another word for love, is the root of the word “Philadelphia”. You may have guessed it, “The city of Brother love” is from this root word. It has been described as a deeper form of love than “casual love” and depends on sharing an origin with another person. It is also described as a “give and take love” as in “you scratch my back and I scratch your back”. It’s a love given and taken within a secure and trusted, deeper level of a relationship.

Eros, the word for sensual physical love, as in a sensual relationship between a husband and wife. We get the word “erotic” from this Greek word.  This love can be described as the physical receiving of love. Eros can also be “joint receiving” of erotic love making. Eros is not one sided, the focus is more in the receiving rather than giving. Eros can only be taken in a sense, but all too often it will be taken solely in a selfish manner and little to no thought is given about the one it was taken from. It can be selfish & self-serving… In the right format, it can be beautiful, bonding and kind.  In the wrong format, it will be ugly, hurtful and destructive to all those involved and spreads to others like cancer. 

Storge is our last word for love and can be described as “family love” but I have heard it used as “an affection for or towards a thing”. In short, it can be used for “I love this neighborhood” or “I love french fries” and can even be part of the “love formula” I have for other things. I have always found this word to be the most criticized of these four Greek love words, but that doesn’t stop me from talking about it. 

So, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter, why not and should it matter? If it does matter, how does it matter and what benefit is there to knowing all this? Maybe it’s just worthless gibberish and I should go wash my socks…  I find this topic to be an unusually interesting topic as it helps me draw near to God, my bride, my sons and helps me to feel compassion for others. I find it helps me to understand how relationships are different but so valuable to my life.

By categorizing these different “loves” I have learned how to better apply them and even more how to appreciate them. How can I better love my bride? (don’t worry, this is a G rated blog) can I Agape her when I am grumpy? Can I Storge her when I am in pain? Can I Philia her when I feel alone? What needs to change to show her how I truly feel? What can I change so that I can see how she really feels? Now that I have that sorted out and now that my marriage is perfect, let’s move on to everyone else in the world… and eventually I will get around to that dog of mine that destroyed 2 brand new 12-3 50-foot extension cords before I even got to use them (I am still calming down over that). 

So, to close out this blog on this cold and windy January day, I leave you with a few thoughts. In the following verses, I have used a substitution in the American translations that say “Love”.  I am pretty sure all these words for love are “AGAPE” but that is not my point in this blog. I have categorized the following phrases in an effort to reflect on the application of love. This passage is a great resource to help explain my point. I am not explaining the passages, I am only using the verses to better explain the American word “love”.

“Love is patient”

  •  Agape is patient, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is patient, when it is mutual
  • Eros is patient, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is patient, when we are friends

“Love is kind”

  •  Agape is kind, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is kind, when it is mutual
  • Eros is kind, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is kind, when we are friends

“Love is not jealous”

  •  Agape is not jealous, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is not jealous, when it is mutual
  • Eros is not jealous, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is not jealous, when we are friends

“Love does not brag”

  •  Agape does not brag, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not brag, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not brag, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not brag, when we are friends

“Love is not arrogant”

  •  Agape is not arrogant, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is not arrogant, when it is mutual
  • Eros is not arrogant, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is not arrogant, when we are friends

“Love does not act unbecomingly”

  •  Agape does not act unbecomingly, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not act unbecomingly, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not act unbecomingly, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not act unbecomingly, when we are friends

“Love does not seek its own”

  •  Agape does not seek its own, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not seek its own, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not seek its own, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not seek its own, when we are friends

“Love is not provoked”

  •  Agape is not provoked, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is not provoked, when it is mutual
  • Eros is not provoked, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is not provoked, when we are friends

“Love does not take into account a wrong suffered”

  •  Agape does not take into account a wrong suffered, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not take into account a wrong suffered, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not take into account a wrong suffered, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not take into account a wrong suffered, when we are friends

“Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness”

  •  Agape does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when we are friends

“Love rejoices with the truth”

  •  Agape rejoices with the truth, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia rejoices with the truth, when it is mutual
  • Eros rejoices with the truth, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge rejoices with the truth, when we are friends

“Love bears all things”

  •  Agape bears all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia bears all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros bears all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge bears all things, when we are friends

“Love believes all things”

  •   Agape believes all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia believes all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros believes all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge believes all things, when we are friends

“Love hopes all things”

  •  Agape hopes all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia hopes all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros hopes all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge hopes all things, when we are friends

“Love endures all things”

  •  Agape endures all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia endures all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros endures all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge endures all things, when we are friends

Love, what a powerful and misused four letter word. 

Charlie, Living Hazzardously for the Glory of our loving savior.

Two Faced Jerk

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Two Faced Jerk. 

One evening while trolling the neighborhood, he met up with a beautiful woman. He figured out she was married to a dear friend of his, but they didn’t care. They figured out a plan to sleep with each other, and she got pregnant. Then things went south!

In the Old Testament there lies a story of Nathan the profit, a profit of God. In this book is a story of a King, in particular, a story of the great king David (A man after God’s own heart). When Nathan the prophet confronted king David, he told a parable, and in doing so, the king felt convicted of his crimes. The King was rich, had multiple wives, lacking nothing in life and yet he lusted after just one more woman. The great king David set up the sneaky situation to have an affair with the poor man’s wife. In his attempt to cover his tracks, he killed that man and lived happily ever after. Well, Not exactly, he did take another man’s wife, this poor man’s only wife. This man who trusted and believed in the KING… This loyal man was great in character and more loyal than most men, (by a long shot). A true loyalist! A dedicated commander of the king’s troops! This poor man was actually rich beyond measure, he found a woman to love, a wife to protect and had a purpose in his life, service to his king. This man was murdered by the King. His wife and his king took advantage of his dedication and loyalty.

Can you relate to this man? Because I can relate to both this man and the king. I too have sinned against this man and I have been sinned against by the king. 

I know of a few people I should probably offer an apology. Yet far too often I only think about those “metaphorical Kings” that violated my trust to achieve personal gain at my loss. But as I continue to accumulate the years that temper my personality and mold me into the “Two Faced Jerk” I am inside, I need to do a couple things that are so very hard and sometimes so overwhelming that I can barely breath. First is to seek forgiveness from those I have wronged, because after all, I deserve forgiveness! Right? I’m a good person and I am not the same person I was, so I should be forgiven!! I was watching a video of a man receiving a sentence by a judge today, he plead his case and told how he is “A CHANGED MAN” just moments before he leaped over the judge’s bench and tried his best to perhaps kill the judge but for sure to at least cause great bodily harm… because he is “changed” … I am that man, I plead my case to the judge and demand the judge see my good intentions rather than the crimes I have committed. As my trial continues, I declare how unforgiving it would be to not show mercy to me, because I deserve mercy.  I am on trial for what I did, not for my intentions. 

Alex and Miranda were “record shopping” the other day with Jess and I. I thought of this great term that’s been used for decades “The Flip Side” Yes, the flip side is just that, “flip over the record”. And of course, the flip side in this post is me forgiving rather than demanding unmerited mercy and forgiveness. Do I forgive as easily as I demand to be forgiven? I THINK NOT! I mean, after all, I deserve forgiveness way more than that rotten jerk that “intentionally” did me wrong should be forgiven. I can clearly see the “intentions” of the person that hurt me! Or can I? And really, does it even matter? It’s like “drinking poison” to punish a person for doing me wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating to overlook the good and true judgment of a crime and the consequences that should surely follow. But do I continue to punish myself for what another person did to me? Certainly, this is a consideration I should bring to the attention of the self-appointed jury… The self-appointed judge… and the self-appointed EXECUTIONER!! Just drink that poison to punish that person!! Just drink, drink, DRINK!!!! Or maybe, I can release my anger, hatred and well deserved right to retribution? Giving myself freedom from the prison I built around myself, learning from the past and moving on, because the past is exactly what it is, the past, and the past cannot be undone! Set down that poison, it’s time to forgive!

I am finally FREE! I have forgiven and I have been forgiven! GOOD! All done. But yet here I am, feeling guilt, having nightmares of being caught in my crimes. And that feeling!! That feeling that can only be described as “yuk” … What is this? Why? Could it be that I won’t even forgive myself? Heck no! How can I forgive myself for all the wrongs I have done? I mean, so what if God forgave me from an eternity past! How can I forgive myself? I KNOW HOW GUILTY I REALLY AM!!! And yet, the creator of the universe has set apart a corner of the “universe of forgiveness”, just for me. Carved out just for me, he can, he did, and I won’t?

I’ve found in life it’s easier to be given forgiveness, difficult to give forgiveness and the hardest thing is to forgive myself or to accept my own forgiveness. And so, I stop smiling, I rob myself of joy and feel sorry for myself, perhaps I medicate myself with pity, drugs, beer or with self-loathing and other self-destructive behaviors. 

Is there any hope? Is there anything to smile about? Where is my joy? In first Peter it says “Though you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy” and in Romans it says “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”

 JOY? How do I find joy? Joy comes from the hope we have in God, the peace that comes from God. You can and You will overflow with joy by faith through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joy comes from God, not man!

Charlie Hazzard

Embracing the New as an Autism Mom

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Charlie, Al and I after Al’s baptism in the lake in September, 2018.

 

It is hard for me to believe that it was less than four years ago that Charlie and I got married and started a new chapter of life.  We both had years of practice in what NOT to do in marriage. We both had years of practice on how to screw things up and make bad choices.  Yet, through the grace of God, we were both given a second chance at sharing life with a best friend.

Charlie shared last week on his experience of becoming an autism stepdad.  It was interesting for me to read because, quite honestly, I have been an autism mom to Al for almost 21 years and to me the abnormal often seems just plain normal. Charlie is an amazing Dad.  He has done an awesome job with his three biological sons, and he has worked really hard to understand both of my sons and to be an awesome stepdad to them. He has really helped me to see Al with new eyes because I have become blind to much of what he does that makes him special. Charlie has helped me to see out of the box and tackle behaviors with fresh vision and perspective.

Al and I have had tough years.  The season we are currently in is full of such peace that I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The middle and high school years were the WORST for us and for those out there who are in that season now, I want you to know that there is HOPE.  It doesn’t feel like it when you are in the middle of it, but things do get better.

Al was diagnosed with autism at the age of five when his speech therapist, occupational therapist and preschool teacher all came to us with concerns.  My ex and I were in denial. We knew that Al had speech and fine motor delays, but we thought he would grow out of it. Al was my first child and I didn’t pick up on the signs right away.  He was a happy, chubby guy and I was a new mom trying to figure out how life worked with a baby. When he qualified for early childhood special ed services, I still believed that he would just grow out of his delays.  After receiving the official diagnosis of autism and doing some research, I soon discovered that although Al would gain skills, he would always have autism and it would always affect his ability to process information and communicate.  It would also always affect his social interactions and emotional intelligence.

As Al got older, we tried every kind of therapy imaginable.  Nearly every day was spent hurrying from appointment to appointment with little brother Sam in tow.  My life became consumed with meeting Al’s needs and trying to help him gain the skills he would need to function in life.  He made great strides in some areas, and in others he seemed stuck. I could handle Al’s language and processing deficits. I could handle his gross and fine motor delays.  What was the hardest to handle and manage were the aggressive behaviors that Al began to exhibit in late elementary school and which continued to increase throughout high school.  It was an incredibly difficult time for all of us and resulted in Al being hospitalized in the mental health unit at the local hospital four times and being shuffled between six different school environments in four years.  My first marriage ended during this time and Al’s younger brother, Sam, went to live with his Dad, spending opposite weekends from Al with me, in order to maintain his safety and some semblance of sanity in his day to day life.  

adult alone anxious black and white

This time in my life was emotionally and physically exhausting and I lived moment by moment, constantly on edge, just trying to survive. I have read that mothers of adolescents and adults with autism experience chronic stress comparable to combat soldiers and I believe that because I have lived it.  I have many stories. Few that I want to repeat and none that I want to relive. I just thank God every single day that Al’s level of aggression has subsided.  I thank God everyday that Al is not delusional and threatening to hurt people. I thank God everyday that I can bring Al out into public without fear of the police being called or a fight being started.  

Charlie came into our life near the end of this time.  He experienced some of the very worst moments and he did not run away.  I used to say that I would never remarry because no man would possibly be able to handle Al.  Then came Charlie. Charlie has been so good for me and Al. When he married me, he knew that my boys and I were a package deal. Even though he doesn’t always understand, he always tries to.  He remain calms. He doesn’t try to bully Al into behaving. He observes and listens and helps and brainstorms and encourages and reinforces. We function as a team and Al knows this. Al respects Charlie. He loves Charlie.  

Here are my suggestions for any autism mom who has experienced divorce, but has found a new man who wants to be her best friend for life.

  • Make sure your future husband is committed not only to you, but to God. No blended family can survive without God at the center, with or without children with special needs.
  • Make sure your future husband is committed not only to you, but to your children, through thick and thin.
  • Remember that you have years of experience with your children, that your new spouse does not.  Don’t expect him to just “get it”.
  • Your husband comes first and you and your spouse are a team.  Do not favor your child over your husband. Do not take sides against each other.  If you disagree on something, take time to discuss it away from the children. Remember: You are not enemies. (NOTE: This does not apply in the case of any kind of abuse!)
  • Don’t assume your spouse does not know anything because he is new to parenting your child.  Stepparents can see things that you may have started ignoring or given up on years ago. Fresh eyes can bring new insight and wisdom.  Be willing to accept feedback and advice.

Charlie and I are still fairly new to this whole blended family thing. Although we love each other to the moon and back, there are times when it is just plain hard.  Add special needs to the mix and at times it can seem impossible. Our faith is the glue that holds us together. Without God, we would never be able to navigate the stormy waters without drowning.  Don’t try to go at it alone. Rely on God and reach out to a community of believers to lean on in tough times. Feel free to reach out to us. We don’t know your story, but we would love to listen and help where we can.  You are not alone. God is good.