Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

Pages

Caution! Doors and wind and cussing ahead.

by

As we round the corner of this journey, we see a bit of light… is it the light at the end of the tunnel or is it the headlamp of a locomotive? Jess and I have no doubt this work is manifesting in the culmination of God’s good calling on our life. Even when we get hit, we rebound and things work out just fine. 

Last week we pulled the old door out and found a hole where we needed some bagged concrete in the threshold, so we cleaned it out, formed it up and poured it full. NO PROBLEM! Then a fast moving weather front came into town and we needed to cover the masterpiece of bagged concrete that my puppies decided was the only place to “plant the paws” as they blew past the yellow ribbon blocking any reasonable person from crossing… dogs are not human, they don’t even read… “Caution” 

As the weather front started to roll into town I made the quick decision to cover the concrete with plastic to protect it from the impending rain that would surely transition the fresh concrete into a slurry of gravel. 

BUT! The wind hit with no warning and hit so hard and so unpredictably.. I heard the crash, felt the floor shake and turned quickly to see the brand new door that we had leaned into the corner of the entry, laying in a manner that was so unnatural… I instantly recognized the structure surrounding now looked like a bone protruding from a compound fracture… I proclaimed “SHOOT” but it wasn’t the word shoot that flew out of my mouth… The next day I spent a few hours putting humpty back together… you can still see the scar, but it’s fixed, and perhaps it is stronger than the original? 

We waited another day before moving the new door into position, just to give the repair time to cure. The installation went well the next day and I was so grateful for the help I had as we guided the door into its final resting place. 

As I reflected on how quickly my colorful expletive slipped out of my mouth, I remembered where I came from and how my father would have screamed and cussed for hours after something like that. I remembered how he would have thrown tools, smashed anything in his reach, “spanked me” for not preventing this tragedy… Stuff would fly and cussing was normal. The wake of terror I experienced whenever my father was around created more havoc and destruction in my life than I could have imagined and it haunts me still to this day… I remembered I learning how my grandfather would have likely beat my father in this same situation… Looking back and realizing I may have thrown out a cuss word, without restraint, but my legacy, like my father before me, was coming from a long line of abuse. I should just thank God we have come so far from where my grand-father was to where my sons are… Legacy is all I can leave behind for my future family.!  I know I will never even meet many of my future family members but as My father never met my sons and I never met my grandfather, I can still honor them with my legacy… I Pray this trend upwards will continue for many generations. 

I am hoping to start painting no later than Wednesday. God willing, I will have help. But early this coming week, I have to focus on a few items for work. I wish I could just go and paint, but I do have other obligations. So like Nehemiah, we will continue to work on the things I am called to do and praise God for all the help we are getting.  

All the toils under the sun

by

So, it’s Sunday again and I have missed writing so much. I hope you too have missed reading my words, you truly are appreciated. We have been traveling and I don’t have my laptop working right now.

Jess and I took a needed trip out to Wyoming to visit our sweet grand, she is doing great and Miranda is glowing with the new baby due this fall… We never saw Alex as he was in Portugal. Sorry son, but we got to see Sophia, so we are happy now. Jacob and Abigail stopped in as they were home hunting in the Denver area but that too was a short visit as they buzzed back and forth, they are busy planning for July 20, marriage day… Wait, MARRIAGE? But he is our baby boy dressed up in the costumes of lions and sitting on carnival rides, is he too young? Nope, I blinked and now he is a man… sadness starts to drift across my aging face, as our youngest abandons Jess and I for his new “adulting” life. 

I had the honor of filling in for a pastor in Bigfork while he took the day off, I presented Sam’s Place to the congregation and I talked about the “Good Samaritan”, I think it went great and it felt so wonderful to preach again, it’s been so many years since my last opportunity. Then another missed blog post was when Jess and I presented Sam’s Place to another Bigfork congregation, together we did eight minutes but alone I did 25 minutes. We are always looking for more opportunities to present our mission in churches. Thank you Lord for the opportunity so far. If you know a church that would allow me to deliver this message, I would be honored to visit (even if its across country, I love road trips).

The balance of rest and work has become a larger part of my life as I continue to struggle with the never ceasing pain riddling this broken and aging body. Too much work? I shut down with pain… Too much rest? I shut down with pain. This is what it is like in my lonely struggle with this fibro? When Jess and I cuddle on the couch and she leans against my ribs, it is like laying on rocks, large rocks that press in on every point, causing so much pain that you literally can not relax, the pain increases on every point of pressure, and it’s not even a hard pressure, sometimes it’s the light touch of her hand that can cause me pain… I take it as long as I can but eventually, I do need to move. Sometimes just crossing my legs at the calf is pain invoking and I can only sit still for about ten minutes before reposition. Sitting in church on a cushioned seat takes about 15 minutes before the pain exceeds the threshold. Too much walking is better than too much standing. Every part of my body hurts most of the time, a balance of movement and rest is all I can do to manage this situation.

I remember back when it all started, it was mostly in my back, I knew so little and had no idea why I was in severe pain and the pain always increased with less movement. I was taking 8-12 200mg tablets of Ibuprofen a day and eventually even that stopped helping. So I started looking deeper, looking at diet, exercise, rest, reading, reading and more reading. As I started honing in on the symptoms, I discovered a thing called “Fibromyalgia” and reading about this, I started to understand, started to determine the reason for my pain and found I am a classical case of Fibro. 

Summer hits and I start to sweat, profusely! I don’t like summer, I don’t like the heat, I like cold and people “hate on me” for that. But I can promise you this, If you live with my condition, 50 degrees outside would start sounding perfect…. And direct sunlight would become your enemy and the least desired location for eating dinner would be that patio she loves so much…  patios with no roofs make me cringe. 

My research has pointed to “childhood trauma” and seems to be the number one contributor. My story of childhood is a sad and long tale. I still have a hard time traveling down the annals of history to revisit. A childhood of physical abuse, sexual abuse, paternal rejection, maternal substance abuse and so much more. My younger brother and I lived a life no child should have been exposed to… I don’t want a pity party, But this is a hell of a way to live. My younger brother and I pretty much got the shaft, and we never even realized it. Products of GEN-X means we were told to get out of the house at practically day break and not show up again until the street lights came on. Snowball fights that left ice chuck divots on our heads, pine cone fights that knocked out my tooth, and bike jumps on banana seat bikes that were never tall enough until you could clear the grand canyon with a 5’ approach ramp. This was all normal stuff and we never questioned where we could get lunch… There was always a friend’s house that had no parents home during lunch hour, water was always readily available out of any neighborhood garden hose, except for the old lady Gladys, She didn’t appreciate our front porch gifts and ding-dong-ditch-it.

Back to fibro, PTSD is a real thing for me and manifests as fibro today. There is no cure as it seems to be an autoimmune response to the developmental years creating a self defense response to trauma… Trauma? It’s such a long list that folks start to doubt the validity of my historical claims. I may share in this blog one day, but probably just in a memoir someday. It’s taken so many years to heal that I still have a hard time reliving all my “Mr Jones events” to get me to this point in my life. A scared little boy, frozen in time, that’s how I feel.  

Fibro today dictates my daily activity, most days it looks like this: I can work hard but need to take a break mid day or I will be shot by 2pm, a situation that can take up to two days of recovery, but If I take a break, I am usually good for at least 5-6 pm. It’s no secret I like to work, God has given me the unique skill set that lets me accomplish a lot of tasks, If I don’t stay active every day, I will become riddled with even more pain, that pain from not staying active is far worse than overworking, so it’s a balance everyday, even on vacations, I need to work somehow… Beach vacations are an absolute nightmare for me… sun, warmth and sitting… I would rather do anything else than sit in the sun, including mucking the cow barn alone on my hands and knees. . but there is a road of hope ahead

The book of Eccleseastes saved my life years ago with the wisdom written on those pages, yes, I mean it literally saved my life.  Today that amazing book guides my thoughts and actions so much.. All a man’s labor under the sun is futility without GOD… but the balance of work and rest is so vital “a single hand filled with rest is better than all the accomplishments of two hands put together”

So the important thing here is to respect work and not forsake rest, to love creation and reflect on God all day. I would encourage you to read through this book of wisdom and truly ask God to reveal his goodness to your heart.