The Christmas that never came

I sat down a year ago and started typing out the 2022 Hazzard family Christmas letter. It started with all the good intentions, the right words, the emotions and the good thoughts. I was on track to send it out with all the fun and exciting updates of our year. I always start writing by first asking the kids and Jess for a few highlights of the year, then I pull them together in a framework of joy, success and fun, wrapping everything with a big red bow, sprinkle them with Christmas colors and top them off with a twinkle in my eye! Finally, I print the well formed letter and fill our outgoing mailbox with envelopes, adorned with the latest holiday stamp and my bride’s finishing touches.

I love sending the annual Hazzardous Christmas letter! With a joy filled anticipation of sharinging our lives with friends and family, some of whom may only hear from us in this once a year lightspeed glimpse of our lives. I hand deliver the stack to our post office and make some corny joke to the person behind the counter about how they won’t fit into our mailbox. I give great consideration to writing this letter each year and many of the readers may not realize who the writer is, well surprise!! It’s me, Charlie!!

So what happened to the 2022 Hazzardous Christmas letter?? Did we forget to send it out to just you? Did we have a corrupted computer and lose a few of the addresses? Did we decide it wasn’t important to stay connected?… The answer is simply no, we didn’t make a mistake or fall victim to some computer trickery. In fact, I sat down more times last year and clacked away more hours than probably any year in the past. I typed out beautiful recollections, heartwarming tales, fascinating adventures and inspiring quotes for all to read and feel a sense of love and connection. I want you to feel loved and remembered. I spent more time last year writing than I would write in three years. So, what happened? I never completely wrote that letter, in fact I felt less desire to finish as the time went on and we got closer to Christmas….

I wrote about Chris and Tiffain, Alex and Mir, Al, Sam and Jacob. I wrote about our new puppy GROOT, and the sad days of Jack as he got old and passed away, and of Cash who went blind, stopped eating and walking, and eventually he too passed on… a sad summer here for sure. I wrote about pigs and chickens and the progress on the farm. I talked about fishing and hunting in the great white northwoods. We had such a great year with so many things to be grateful for, even amid the heartfelt loss of our dear pups.

I had such a hard time determining what to leave in and what to leave out…. What to leave out…. How to leave what out? Or better, should I leave anything out? Should I include everything? Jess? Can you help me decide what to leave out and what to include? Jess? But in the end, I could not sort out my thoughts and come to a clear decision that I felt no direction would be a good direction. So, it’s not that I skipped the letter. I just could not finish, edit or send the letter. Three, four or maybe five pages? Single space? #10 font? Times New Roman? No header? No title? No footer? No signature?… just delete it… sit down… steady breath… try to keep the happy thoughts.

This year was no different, but then Jess and I went on a retreat in Arkansas. When we got back home, we met with another couple that share our same emptiness and pain… I heard the approach I needed to accomplish this year’s letter. Rather than attempting to write all our Hazzardous Adventures and the year’s highlights, I would attempt to put on paper the difficulties we have had and in particular what made writing last year impossible to complete.

Sam took the spotlight in 2022, without even knowing it. August 15, 2022 will be the date forever engraved on his headstone. Ohh Sam, we miss you so much. It’s almost your birthday again, and Al does not exactly know how to properly express his feelings. Jess and I need to remain in control for Al’s sake. The stone was ordered. The plot was chosen, and we laid Sam in his forever resting spot a year to the date of his passing. A year after the midnight scream no parent can imagine or forget. Sam ran ahead of us and is now waiting for us to catch up.

Let’s talk about the Christmas letter. Do I write everything? Missing nothing about Sam and making it all about Sam? Do I labor for months to get every jot and tiddle? MISSING NOTHING? Or do I tiptoe over this event and focus only on those things that bring joy to the Christmas letter readers’ faces? Is it a balance somewhere in between? How much do I say? Do I give all the details? The who, when, how, why and what??? Do I paint the ugly picture with pastel colors? Do I soften the lines with an eraser? Do I use charcoal pencil to turn the edges gray? Do I use ink so it can never be rubbed out? Maybe a black and white photo? Or maybe an artistic rendering with interpretive and symbolic illustrations?

How does a person write about the death of a child? The death of their child? How do I write about this? Not too much! Somebody will feel uncomfortable? Not too little! Somebody will feel I didn’t say enough? After all, there was so much more I could say?

It is a “no-win” situation. There will never be enough written to fully remember and honor Sam. Too little and it would not keep his memory alive. Do I focus on the living as to honor the loved ones that are waiting here to see him again? How do you summarize his life with mere words? Be careful to not become obsessed and write with endless amounts of words and say too much! You see, we had 5 sons, two daughters-in-law, none are more important than the next. So do we try to be fair and write the same amount about each one? Do we try to highlight only one thing each? Do we just move on and write about the sons that are still alive? Should we ???? Do we????? What???? Why???? How???? I haven’t found the instruction manual on this topic yet. I think it’s found in the card catalog under the heading “Humanly impossible to understand” “Navigational beacons in a black hole” and “Situations that are beyond overwhelming” please see cross references: “Living with pain course number 505”

Addiction is no stranger in our family and the pain of addiction crosses every realm, into every crack of humanity. Sam battled so very hard, please do not think for a second that Sam just simply woke up and decided “This is a good thing to do today”. He fought hard and wanted so badly to overcome this stronghold in his life. He wanted to be “clean”. His addiction started so small, so tiny, it grew out of control very quickly. Even with the best tools to battle this demon, he still lost. But the hope we have is that someday, someone, somewhere will say, “I saw Sam struggle. I saw how he lost his battle, and I am alive today because Sam is not here.” But even if we never see this blessing, we give thanks to the Lord for the time we did have. We are blessed to have had this time on earth with Sam.

OFF SCRIPT: Please do not play this game with addiction. If you need help, it’s ok to ask, 24/7/365, there is hope! Addiction starts with a beer, a joint, a pain pill or even a thought, but always ends with consuming your will, your happiness and even your life.

So with that being said, I will recap just a few items in a feeble attempt at bringing some glad tidings after this somber glimpse into our tragic year 2022.

Chris and Tiffain are now stationed at Scott AFB in Illinois. We have had a couple visits and we are so happy to have them so close.

Alex and Miranda brought Baby Sophia into our world last January. We have been welcomed into the grand-club and are overjoyed!

Al has had a successful year at work, and we are so happy that the Special Olympics program is back in full swing after Covid.

We have Sam only a mile from us and visit often. We got his headstone installed, as well as a bench in his honor. We know he is jamming in heaven, beating someone at chess and doing all the math equations he could dream of with that Sam smile on his face.

Jacob completed his tour with the Air Force and for the time being will stay in Cheyenne,. He was offered and accepted a job at his church. He is also seeing a great young lady but I don’t want to jinx this by talking too much (keeping our fingers crossed).

Jess and I are really focusing on growing the farm (hoping the ground doesn’t freeze before I get the donkey corral and fencing up), running Spring Lake Heating and Air. Jesus is our true hope, joy and strength. Our adventure is coming together slowly but surely.

I hope that our letter next year will be less weighty and more upbeat. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you for taking this journey with us, and we appreciate your prayers, friendship and love.

I close with his verse:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Charlie and Jess
Hazzardous Adventures