The other day Jess and I were chatting and reminiscing about our previous lives. I wonder if other couples talk about “Before we met”. Do other blended family couples pretend the past has simply vanished? Or are we different, I don’t know. In our conversation I mentioned I never got to take the boys on a “fairytale vacation”, like Disneyland or a cruise or some far off land where every families dreams come true… I glanced at Jess, just in time, to see her face turn down and she looked so sad… I will divulge why in a few paragraphs, but first, I will dig into my fairytale vacation.
What was my “Fairytale” trip with my three sons? I had so many trips planned, some big, some small but all were amazing (in my minds eye). Do you have a fairytale trip? Or maybe life beat you down like it did to me and you never fully recovered from that beating? Probably my biggest fairytale trip was driving and camping to the east coast and west coast… East to Washington DC and Maine for National history then drop down to Tennessee, the Blue ridges, Kentucky and back up to good old Minnesota… West through Montana to Washington to see the ocean and swing south to see the Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower, Mount Rushmore and back up to the cities.
My Trips were always the “natural” wonders and places of historical relevance. I never wanted to see Disneyland (and to be honest, it’s repulsive to think about going there now). Jess however had a different set of dreams… The one thing in common was a desire to share the world with our children, being with them and growing together. Jess had grandparents that took the 3 sisters on trips all over… These trips are still invoking fond memories for Jess. These trips are more than just a vacation, they took Jess on a childhood wonderland that nurtured her innocence, satisfied her adventurous side and filled her with years of joy filled memories.
I too have “fond” memories of trips my father took us on… I never had trips with the Grands. My trips involved a hot car, laying on the floor of the back seat right above the exhaust discharge and being shoved into the back window deck of a 1969 Ford Fairlane 2-door… 5 kids, mom and dad and my smelly dog named Tobias Winslow. Coat hangers were “professionally” installed and held up the exhaust that contained more soup cans that obviously exceeded the original equipment specs. I would say it hardly leaked much exhaust into the passenger compartment, never making us sick. The gas tank fell out rounding the corner of Broadway and Penn Ave on our way back from the Salvation Army Store (collecting more of my fathers hoarder stuff) and more “MacGyver creativity” with wire coat hangers to make the perfect long term repair. But that is yet another story.
Back to Jess… you see, Jess had made a promise to Sam, a mothers promise to her son that when he could use the “potty” like a big boy, they would take a trip to the most magical place in all the world. A place that held mystery, magic and hope… The dream of all dreams where fantasy comes true… As Walt himself once said “I think most of all what I want Disneyland to be is a happy place… where parents and children can have fun, together”
This “Fairytale” was about to start slipping away, a journey of around 20 years… A dream that was murdered by the heartless folds of life. Year after year, Jess held on to this promise, never intending to “skip out”. Never intending to make a promise that she would never keep. As Al grew, his behaviors became a daily management task, a full time job! So big was the job of being Als mom, that she soon fell into a serious depression. So deep that it kept her locked into the room marked “SURVIVAL ONLY” for many years. The hard decision was made, she had to separate Sam from Al, to keep Sam safe.
Doing the only thing she could, she moved blocks away from her baby boy, keeping in mind the promise of Disneyland, putting Sam’s safety ahead of herself and providing everything Al needed. Jess had now laid down her life for her two little boys, putting them first in everything. Torn in half, broken, beaten and collapsing under the weight, but holding onto the Hope of Jesus… As she watched her dream of Disneyland slipping further away, she settled into a reality that hurt and could not be avoided. Disneyland was slipping further away from reality.
Jess and I don’t plan on giving up our dreams of travel across the USA, but it gets complicated. We have our shared dreams, our “places to go” lists. Our question is “HOW”. We have tried so many different ideas on how to make our trips a reality, but there is so much we still need to iron out… It may be hard for many to imagine, but traveling with Al is way more complicated than traveling with a baby in a car seat. Or as my father did, having us laying on the floor or on the ledge of the back window. Travel with Al is actually always “traveling for Al”. I can see how Disneyland was never a viable option, I have learned so much about the stress families have with a special needs child… I never would have guessed it could be this hard. Don’t get me wrong, Al is a blessing and we love him, I don’t regret for a minute being his provider, parent and teacher… But, to be completely transparent, he is not easy to take care of.
I bet you thought this was about Disneyland… It is actually about the broken heart of a mother?
Sam is buried only a couple miles down the road, Jess likes to stop in from time to time to sit, remember and pretend to have a conversation with Sam. I am sure she likes to imagine Sam running around Disneyland, smiling, eating too much junk food and just being her baby boy that learned how to “Potty like a big boy”…
The dream is never going to become reality now. The stress of losing a son when he is only 22. Breaking a life long promise. Somedays, this would be more than enough to put the strongest of men into bed, weeping for days… Jess is amazing, strong, resilient and capable. Although the “fantasy” trip to Disneyland has been retired, she has found a new hope, a new dream and a new reason to pursue life.
Grandbabies! Sophia, Sadie and the one due in April… Sam’s place. The Redwood forest, the Gulf stream waters. The dreams are different now. The Lord always has and will continue to sustain us, comfort us and give us HOPE, hope comes from God.
I was told only babies cry, so I guess I am the biggest baby of all. One day I want to write about why I always joke when emotions are high. If you have ADHD, you may very well be very empathetic, you can feel the pain of others, sometimes more than the person who is feeling the emotions… I think that’s me.
May Gods presence be with you today and always, Charlie.
