Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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All the toils under the sun

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So, it’s Sunday again and I have missed writing so much. I hope you too have missed reading my words, you truly are appreciated. We have been traveling and I don’t have my laptop working right now.

Jess and I took a needed trip out to Wyoming to visit our sweet grand, she is doing great and Miranda is glowing with the new baby due this fall… We never saw Alex as he was in Portugal. Sorry son, but we got to see Sophia, so we are happy now. Jacob and Abigail stopped in as they were home hunting in the Denver area but that too was a short visit as they buzzed back and forth, they are busy planning for July 20, marriage day… Wait, MARRIAGE? But he is our baby boy dressed up in the costumes of lions and sitting on carnival rides, is he too young? Nope, I blinked and now he is a man… sadness starts to drift across my aging face, as our youngest abandons Jess and I for his new “adulting” life. 

I had the honor of filling in for a pastor in Bigfork while he took the day off, I presented Sam’s Place to the congregation and I talked about the “Good Samaritan”, I think it went great and it felt so wonderful to preach again, it’s been so many years since my last opportunity. Then another missed blog post was when Jess and I presented Sam’s Place to another Bigfork congregation, together we did eight minutes but alone I did 25 minutes. We are always looking for more opportunities to present our mission in churches. Thank you Lord for the opportunity so far. If you know a church that would allow me to deliver this message, I would be honored to visit (even if its across country, I love road trips).

The balance of rest and work has become a larger part of my life as I continue to struggle with the never ceasing pain riddling this broken and aging body. Too much work? I shut down with pain… Too much rest? I shut down with pain. This is what it is like in my lonely struggle with this fibro? When Jess and I cuddle on the couch and she leans against my ribs, it is like laying on rocks, large rocks that press in on every point, causing so much pain that you literally can not relax, the pain increases on every point of pressure, and it’s not even a hard pressure, sometimes it’s the light touch of her hand that can cause me pain… I take it as long as I can but eventually, I do need to move. Sometimes just crossing my legs at the calf is pain invoking and I can only sit still for about ten minutes before reposition. Sitting in church on a cushioned seat takes about 15 minutes before the pain exceeds the threshold. Too much walking is better than too much standing. Every part of my body hurts most of the time, a balance of movement and rest is all I can do to manage this situation.

I remember back when it all started, it was mostly in my back, I knew so little and had no idea why I was in severe pain and the pain always increased with less movement. I was taking 8-12 200mg tablets of Ibuprofen a day and eventually even that stopped helping. So I started looking deeper, looking at diet, exercise, rest, reading, reading and more reading. As I started honing in on the symptoms, I discovered a thing called “Fibromyalgia” and reading about this, I started to understand, started to determine the reason for my pain and found I am a classical case of Fibro. 

Summer hits and I start to sweat, profusely! I don’t like summer, I don’t like the heat, I like cold and people “hate on me” for that. But I can promise you this, If you live with my condition, 50 degrees outside would start sounding perfect…. And direct sunlight would become your enemy and the least desired location for eating dinner would be that patio she loves so much…  patios with no roofs make me cringe. 

My research has pointed to “childhood trauma” and seems to be the number one contributor. My story of childhood is a sad and long tale. I still have a hard time traveling down the annals of history to revisit. A childhood of physical abuse, sexual abuse, paternal rejection, maternal substance abuse and so much more. My younger brother and I lived a life no child should have been exposed to… I don’t want a pity party, But this is a hell of a way to live. My younger brother and I pretty much got the shaft, and we never even realized it. Products of GEN-X means we were told to get out of the house at practically day break and not show up again until the street lights came on. Snowball fights that left ice chuck divots on our heads, pine cone fights that knocked out my tooth, and bike jumps on banana seat bikes that were never tall enough until you could clear the grand canyon with a 5’ approach ramp. This was all normal stuff and we never questioned where we could get lunch… There was always a friend’s house that had no parents home during lunch hour, water was always readily available out of any neighborhood garden hose, except for the old lady Gladys, She didn’t appreciate our front porch gifts and ding-dong-ditch-it.

Back to fibro, PTSD is a real thing for me and manifests as fibro today. There is no cure as it seems to be an autoimmune response to the developmental years creating a self defense response to trauma… Trauma? It’s such a long list that folks start to doubt the validity of my historical claims. I may share in this blog one day, but probably just in a memoir someday. It’s taken so many years to heal that I still have a hard time reliving all my “Mr Jones events” to get me to this point in my life. A scared little boy, frozen in time, that’s how I feel.  

Fibro today dictates my daily activity, most days it looks like this: I can work hard but need to take a break mid day or I will be shot by 2pm, a situation that can take up to two days of recovery, but If I take a break, I am usually good for at least 5-6 pm. It’s no secret I like to work, God has given me the unique skill set that lets me accomplish a lot of tasks, If I don’t stay active every day, I will become riddled with even more pain, that pain from not staying active is far worse than overworking, so it’s a balance everyday, even on vacations, I need to work somehow… Beach vacations are an absolute nightmare for me… sun, warmth and sitting… I would rather do anything else than sit in the sun, including mucking the cow barn alone on my hands and knees. . but there is a road of hope ahead

The book of Eccleseastes saved my life years ago with the wisdom written on those pages, yes, I mean it literally saved my life.  Today that amazing book guides my thoughts and actions so much.. All a man’s labor under the sun is futility without GOD… but the balance of work and rest is so vital “a single hand filled with rest is better than all the accomplishments of two hands put together”

So the important thing here is to respect work and not forsake rest, to love creation and reflect on God all day. I would encourage you to read through this book of wisdom and truly ask God to reveal his goodness to your heart. 

“How long before I can move in?”

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We are asked from time to time, “how long before I can move in?” or move back in? This place sounds like the place I want to live! Sam’s Place is coming along, slowly! Some stories about those who have lived here in the past are pretty horrible, the water leaks… the food… we hope to do better and ask for your help to do this…

It has been a good but long week, as I struggle to find enough time, I plead my case for help. We finally got our electricity back on and I have resolved many roof leaks, still have one to go before I start the next phase of roof repairs” . It is actually just managing the conditions and starting a standard of upkeep, unfortunately, we are just going to patch things together this year.

Jess is working hard to establish a 501c3. but taking “food handling” classes and taking tests and licensing and calls and administration for Spring Lake Heating and answering the work phone and being a mother and being a wife and looking gorgeous (she really doesn’t have to work hard for that last one) …

Al is excited to have his Basketball tourney… and in his words… “That’s all that matters, right Charlie?”

Things are going well, although a bit slower than we had hoped, our goal is to get partially occupied by mid to late fall of this year. Jess and I are taking a very overdue trip to see our baby granddaughter, this week. We can’t take Al as it’s just too stressful for him more than once every couple years and even then, he doesn’t really enjoy driving across the country and flying is not an option with Al, In fact, boating on our pontoon is too much movement for him as well… All things We are working on but it takes years of conditioning, it takes a lot of time!

Our Piggies are growing so fast and when I return, they will be moved into the summer forage area from the starter pen. The broiler chickens are feathered out so they can move into the summer tractor today! The Guinee’s are disappearing one by one, no trace but seems to be at night. We haven’t a clue but I am starting to think it has to be that owl is back, silent, deadly, no trace!

We have been filling our dumpster to the brim and I am certain we have become our garbage man’s least favorite stop on Fridays… but we got to clean out the trash, and so we keep filling it up…

So anyway, today is a short read, but let me tell you this… I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU ALL!! The time you take to read our blog means more than you know, the support we have seen in this chapter is so motivating, but even so, it’s a daunting task.

It’s not what you take with you when you leave this world, it’s what you leave behind… What’s your legacy?

Charlie and Jess Hazzard

Me First Jack!

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From time to time, I need a reminder of the GOODNESS of GOD… why? Well, it’s simple, I am a selfish creature and I like to be the center of the world with everything around me serving my every desire… oh, you think you are different? Think about this… You disagree, by very definition you have decided you are different, which means you believe you are different… ME, ME, ME Like agent smith from the Matrix.

Doesn’t our self-narrative of being different simply show we are serving ourselves? Providing and giving ourselves a different narrative? Or maybe climb up on top of our mountain and proclaim, “I can objectively state I am different because I have a perfect knowledge of myself!” …. You, see? No matter how we slice the cake, it comes right back to “Me” & “I” statements. My challenge to you (and myself) is to stop putting yourself, your narrative and your life ahead of others and become fully self-sacrificial… it’s impossible, if you are being honest. 

The lyrics of a great song are listed below. I don’t give “credits” of this song, nor do I claim credits, in the end, this seems like some crazy hangup in this world. Like sources always need to be cited to be credible in a statement. Like somehow, citing credits gives truth more value, because you can name an authority… Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and give to God what is God’s. Give the claim of goodness to God.

Life is easy, when you’re up on the mountain

And you’ve got peace of mind, like you’ve never known

But things change, when you’re down in the valley

Don’t lose faith, for you’re never alone

(I could almost hear you sing, let’s try again)

(That was a little better)

Ok, let’s turn the table, have you ever thought this:

Your life is so easy, you really have nothing to complain about.

You are so blessed, don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.

You didn’t have a rough childhood, you had it so easy.

Why are you such a Debbie downer?

Statements like these are seldom placed on the “mirror of self-reflection”. They nearly exclusively prove how another person doesn’t measure up… how often do we self-reflect on how much we think about ourselves? Putting ourselves at the center of our world? Think about a person that thinks of themself nearly all the time. This person seemingly can only see the world as “what can I get?” or “what do I deserve?” or maybe “How does this benefit me?” It’s difficult to live with this type of person! It’s even more difficult to constantly serve this type of person and never feel some need and desire for self-preservation, at least at some level… What if I am this person? What if you are this person?

What does it mean to “Be more God-like?” For God so loved the world that he gave…. In the beginning, God created…. The two greatest examples of God’s selfless character displayed in scripture show “Selfless giving”.  God created from nothing, all that exists. God giving from himself the only son… sacrifice is a Godly thing, and giving is how we find value in ourselves. A focus on self is the pathway to anxiety, depression and a tortured soul. 

Al may not be able to “give” Jess and myself much of anything.  In fact, he demands form us a 24-7 stream of attention, provision, supply & purpose. We find we are constantly giving, answering the same questions 100 times (I am not joking), providing direction, reminders every meal (how to not spill food, set the table, wipe the table…  endlessly at every meal) Supplying all that he has, wants and needs…. A constant flow out of ourselves and to him, like an ever-consuming fire that is never satisfied… BUT WAIT, what does Al give us? He gives us an endless resource to give to! He is somebody in need. In him we find joy and meaning in life by putting ourselves second. (Jess has perfected this, I’m still learning) My sweet mother showed me many years ago “You cannot out give God”… reflect on that a second. You can’t out give God…

This leads me to our big reveal, our next chapter in life. This big reveal that some folks already know about, but others may only suspect something is going on, and still others will simply state “YOU are CRAZY”.  This will certainly earn our name “LivingHazzardously”

My next blog post is a post YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS!!! Jess and I have been working on a plan that we are hoping will come to play out and truly start on or before April 29.

Did I mention:

YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS MY NEXT BLOG POST???!!!

Follow us as we kick off our calling from God and start a new chapter in living for others! Giving our Time, Talent and Touch. Please lift us in prayer as we wait for the Lord.  

May the Lord bless you this day as you find value in serving others. 

James 1:27

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.