Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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AHHH SWEET ROMANCE!!

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AHHH SWEET ROMANCE!!

As we headed into Home Depot for our very first time, Sam tagged in behind us and Jacob walked beside us but Al blasted the path and was super excited with all the lights and Christmas decorations. The year was 2014 and I was just learning the nuances of this family dynamic. It only took me about two or maybe three trips with Al to discover my massive mistake that day, a mistake I see happen over and over again as people meet Al the first time. 

As we started about the store for a simple trip, or so I thought, I sensed that I had already made a mistake, but I had no clue what or how big it was. You see, I thought I knew how to react to Al and his childish excitement he displayed at the lights. Jess had already started the “regulation” process with Al, but I was just so happy that Al was excited to be out that I perpetuated the excitement, just a little. What I didn’t know was why and how…. Like so many others when they meet Al, they see him as a happy, sweet and kind person with great manners, which is all true but with a huge “but” attached to that statement…. Al does not self-regulate, he amps up and if left unchecked, the obsessive side takes over without notice and he becomes quickly “out of control.”

What do I mean out of control? We see him at church, and he is always so sweet and kind and respectful! What you may not see is lying in wait just under the careful desire he has to show respect, it can turn in a moment and the next thing you know, we are swiftly exiting the church without saying goodbye to anyone. Jess told me once “You just don’t know how many times I have had to leave somewhere because Al was out of control, we would just drive to a park or somewhere that the police wouldn’t get called on us and Al would be screaming and smashing stuff, a couple times I had to call the police or bring him to the police station!”

It may seem like he is simply a sweet young man that is so kindhearted, but the truth is, he cannot control his thoughts alone, he needs constant oversight, redirection and reminders to keep him safe and rational. To be honest, I was not prepared to be a stepdad to Al, he is so much more than I thought I was signing up for! I can honestly say I do not regret being his stepdad. Even after being insulted, punched and kicked… he is still my boy, and I love him.

And why did I title this post sweet romance? Simple, it’s not romance that blinded me of the role I was taking on, it wasn’t Jesse’s pure heart and loving smile… it wasn’t romance that kept me involved…. It was God giving me a new heart, a new reason in life, a “repurposing” if you will. Although Jess certainly played a role, and we are still very romantic, that’s all great but if that’s all it was? I can now honestly admit I would have turned tail and run for the hills like any other sane single man these days. I was “twitterpated”, sure, but it was going to take more than that! God gave me a new life, a second chance, a new beginning… so that makes three times I have been “born”, I guess. 

The days are long, but the years are short. 

Please follow this post as I detail how I became the stepdad to Al and Sam

MIND EQUALS BLOWN!!

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The day that spelling hurt my head.

I have dyslexia and I have discovered a thing called “auto-correct” or another form is “spell check” BUT, what is Dyslexia? Is it stupidity? Is it a learning disability? Or is it just the way things are? Like a hair color? or personality traits?

The MAYO defined it as:

“Dyslexia is a learning disorder that involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words (decoding). Also called a reading disability, dyslexia is a result of individual differences in areas of the brain that process language.

Dyslexia is not due to problems with intelligence, hearing or vision. Most children with dyslexia can succeed in school with tutoring or a specialized education program. Emotional support also plays an important role.

Though there’s no cure for dyslexia, early assessment and intervention result in the best outcome. Sometimes dyslexia goes undiagnosed for years and isn’t recognized until adulthood, but it’s never too late to seek help.”

CURE!??!!! I DONT WANT A CURE! I SAY HOGWASH! Dyslexia is a much-needed form of information processing for my talents, if you took it away from me, I would be crushed!!! Sure, it makes things harder in academia, but let’s be honest, school is a very short time in life (unless you become a teacher I guess). I attended school until I could “drop out” in my sophomore year of high school, how stupid? Well, let me tell you a secret… In the Eighth grade I earned a 2 year all-expense paid ride at the UofM but never used it. For me school was terribly slow repetition and mundane. My IQ was measured many years ago and it was actually very high. (stating facts, to prove my point, not bragging) SO WHY DID I DROP OUT?

I made the decision to drop out after 10th grade geometry, I was so excited to start this wonderful world of shapes and magic. Instead, I was forced into a chair, and we started reviewing basic math. For a few weeks I tried really hard to sit in the class and learn but all we did was basic math skills… AND I MEAN BASIC! I was so disappointed and discouraged that I just gave up, I dropped out of school and started experimenting with what destroyed my life for many years to come. That is the topic of future blogs.

I have been doing my own research on dyslexia and have found some breakthrough information that has helped me learn how to better function in my very unique world and how I see things. Dyslexia can better be described using a threefold approach. I will try to explain this complex pattern of thoughts in a simple and short manner. I know I will misrepresent this information as some folks understand it and may leave out other information that, yet others may understand better. My point is not to perfectly explain the Dyslexic person in every situation but rather to represent my challenges in my own experiences.

When I say the sentence “The sky is blue” we can see basically three distinct ways to process that sentence. The first is to look at the words and think of the words as they make up the sentence (word thinking). The second, and probably the most common way, is to visualize the “blue sky” (picture thinking). BUT the dyslexic person may see both words and pictures with an enhancement… 3D thinking. Thinking. Seeing the words and the picture but in a 3-dimensional way. Seeing the words from front, back, top and bottom. This is why I can never seem to master spelling. I see words and letters from all sides as if they are objects as well as words. But wait, there is more: I see the picture of a blue sky from three dimensions as well.

MIND EQUALS BLOWN!

So, for me it is like seeing every sentence, word, idea, thought and concept as a three-dimensional computer-generated display. Think of the “Iron Man” computer, it displays a three-dimensional interactive interface that can be spun, twisted, expanded and changed… So, I can see what I want to make, do or feel but I can’t explain it in common language. 

Mayo got it all wrong! Dyslexia is not a deficiency and certainly not a disability, it’s an enhancement. And gives me the ability to create things in my head and troubleshoot things that some are unable to even understand. Does this make me superhuman? Better? Superior? Well, no but it does make me better at what I do. And to be frank, I love my disab-yslexia. And so does Jessica, because she is a word thinker and together, we are perfect, apart we fall short. I thank the Lord for my disability.

I pray you feel our Lord has richly bless you this beautiful day, Living Hazzardously.

Dear Mr Cellophane, Please refrain, Mr Cellophane.

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Dear Mr Cellophane, Please refrain, Mr Cellophane.

Her scream pierced the night as if it were a tornado siren!  Shattering the silent calm with shrieks of terror. The puppeteer, now in full control, reaping, claiming & taking over her very will, leaving nothing untouched. Like a tornado when it hits a small town. TERROR ON EVERY SIDE. Quick! Everyone hide! Head to the basement! Under the stairs! Into a closet! Into safety…  But today, there is no place to hide, no safe place to be. As if we sat in a vast open field. We sat on the edge of our bed, so horribly unprotected, the “siren” wails, we can’t run, we can’t hide, we can only sit here as the storm devours us. It swallows our life in one large gulp, one devastating statement, “He didn’t make it”. That scream was only one word, yet it said all there was to say. That word will forever haunt my memories…. “WHAT”.  

I watched a woman cry out in pain on tv after she had the truth revealed to her in real time about her beloved child and I too cried. I was there when my father died and I watched my mother cry out in pain when my sister died in a tragic crash. I was with my mother the day she passed away. I sang at the funeral of my niece who was murdered. Death is real and it is inevitable! So why do we react the way we do? Everyone is going to “Kick the bucket”. Is it a surprise?

When death enters the life of a friend or relative, how should we react? Should we offer long statements of how we know what you are going through? Perhaps we should simply connect at the beginning with hugs and attention and slowly drift back to a settled life we had before this event? Maybe we should just do our best to ignore It and not even acknowledge the situation? What is the best way to react? What is the proper way to connect? Is there a wrong way? I personally think this is a much more complicated question and it depends greatly on the relationship.

When my step son Sam passed away that August night, I started on a journey that was “unfamiliar” to me. I had previously experienced plenty of death in my life, I knew the attention I should expect. The responses people give in different situations can vary more than the East is from the West… BUT I did not expect this : “Dear Mr Cellophane, Please refrain, Mr Cellophane”. I experienced a form of disconnect or perhaps a better description is invisibleness in the months that followed. It was as if the expectation others  had were more like I had lost a distant third cousin that I only met once about 20 years ago. This not only surprised me, it made me feel like my relationship with Sam was insignificant and meant little to nothing. I could only assume this was simply because I am his “step father”. 

In the months to come I heard statements like “Ohh this must be so hard on Jess and Al, do you know how his father is doing?” or “Wow, this must be so hard, How is Jess handling this?” or maybe “I remember when(insert a favorite memory) happened, Does Jess need anything? You know we are always here to help, whatever Jess and Al need, just let us know!” I started to feel invisible and I started to feel like I didn’t experience the death of a child, now granted, he was not my blood child, and I don’t want to downplay that role. I am also adopted into a family, the family of God and God thinks of me no less than his “blood” child. 

It wasn’t until months, well actually about a year later that I found a man who also was ‘Mr Cellophane”, he too was the step father to a child that ran ahead into heaven… and he actually knew what I felt. For the first time since Sam passed away, I understood I was not crazy in this area and the feelings I felt were very similar to his… he had raised this boy of his from a very early age… he too was invisible.

I am not looking for “pity” and I certainly don’t want attention but I did find it was hard and for a brief moment in time I think I can understand a bit of how God may feel. When God is not given the credit due him for being our Father. Ohh I know, it’s different, I’m not saying I am God or that I know what it’s like.. But it got me thinking… Do I give God the attention he deserves for stepping into my life and being my step father? Do I recognize the commitment and dedication he has given freely to me? How about you? Do you need to take a second and credit God what is due to God for being your GOOD STEP DAD? 

May God bring you peace today

Livinghazzardously for God.