Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Cold-play @ Coldplay

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I am sure you have seen the fate filled night, a loving embrace and the end of a career, marriage, family as we know it. If not, it may be valuable to understanding this blog by just taking a quick peek on the web, type in “Coldplay” and I am certain you will see the heartbreaking betrayal that “everyone is buzzing about”.

What is it that drives a person to such a level of betrayal? What motivates us humans to make a solemn promise, and then break it for a moment of personal satisfaction? 

Jess and I sat at the table talking about another type of betrayal today… IGNORING, or better known as the silent treatment… The silent treatment is betrayal. It’s a form of manipulation and its distinctly different from “taking a break to gather your thoughts” … betrayal? Yes! It’s the intentional withholding of attention and acknowledgement of a human for the purpose of conforming that person to your own desires, will and intent… The cold treatment, silent treatment, cold shoulder, ignoring… This is how I am personally hurt the most deeply, most quickly and most reliably… and with my “big voice” and my “big personality” it is the most common form of rejection I experience… Now enter into my abandonment issues and it’s a perfect screen play. I have been living this drama my entire adult life… to me there is no way to hurt me more than to ignore me, it’s going deep into my trauma responses and the PTSD I live with everyday (the source of my Fibro).

Betrayal, Abandonment, Rejection, Exclusion… remember the kid that got picked last for the neighborhood football game? That kid was me… that kid was the kid whose father had never played ball with him, never brought him to a game, never bought him a football, basketball or a baseball… that kid that was me. I was only taught how to work, how to build a patio, building a terrace garden, Veggie-gardening, digging holes for fence posts. Being yelled at was pretty much the only attention I received from my father… I never got to see how to treat a wife, a child, a brother or how to be treated by a mother, I’m not looking for “OHH POOR CHARLIE” I’m simply saying that getting picked last, every time, for sports taught me to hate sports. It was just more rejection.

 So I raised myself, I grew up basically feral, like many kids in Gen X, our parents had little or no time to teach us what their parents taught them. So we found substitutes, we found music, MTV, Walkman and parachute pants with a rat tail…. I hid from life, from my brother, from my sister and most certainly from the man I called dad… I know what rejection is, how it plays out and how easy it is to give it right back.

I am at a different point in my life now, one of patience, calmness and understanding, I am pretty sure I am a bit more “grown up” now but as I am now closer to 60 than 50 and my body hurts, my mind is foggy and life is forcing me into an easy chair. I fight to maintain my autonomy. I fight like millions before me to stay young, agile, alert and useful. I watch quietly as the generation before me ages out of this world and begins the geriatric journey to meet our maker.

As I enter the age of strokes, heart failure, broken hips and saying goodbye to those I have known my who life, I pause for a moment and recognize an old man unable to stand as the song he once belted out is performed by others and all Randy Travis can sing is the last word “AMEN”.

I watch Ozzy as he ascends from below the stage and is wheeled into position and the chair is locked into place. He grabs the microphone and is able to bellow in a voice that was once powerful for other reasons “MOMMA, I’M COMING HOME”.  I grew up watching Ozzy perform all his crazy stunts, I saw Ozzy and I understood Ozzy, he performed songs that I could relate to, and now I can relate to this song, differently than ever before. Funny thing this life is, funny thing.

So back to the Coldplay concert, I see this performance by a man and woman. I see and feel the hurt they caused. Those who are left to struggle with this betrayal… Betrayal that can never be undone. It’s taken years for me to deal with the betrayal I felt on a crisp September morning.  Today, It plays back in my head and I remember the betrayal I felt. I remember the pain of being the last kid picked for the neighborhood games. I remember striving to “fit in”. I think of our son Sam, as he too struggled to be accepted by his peers. I see those at Sam’s Place that struggle… This life is definitely a “hard knock life” . But if we start to give back, rather than always looking for ways to get more, we seem to do better, find more joy and most importantly, we don’t hurt the ones who love us most. 

Betrayal isn’t about self fulfillment and joy, it’s about stealing that joy and destroying it, for what? A moment? A week? Two years of sneaking around? Destroying the life of a child, a spouse, a friend… I have learned so much and I feel like the more I learn, the more I need to learn. But there is one thing I can share, I have learned the hard way… be good to the ones you have today, because life without them in the future is only a memory of what you had and lost. 

Momma, I’m coming home, one day, I will see you again, say hello to my sister, father and grands, aunts and uncles, friends and neighbors.  I’m not sure who is waiting to be reunited with me, but it will be good to see them again. 

As for the rumors and such surrounding “Cold play” I’ve laughed at many of the memes, reels and references, it’s ok to laugh, but in reality, I find it hard to not feel the pain this betrayal has caused. 

Sing a new song to the Lord my friend, C.

Why I am always the perfect one!

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I remember a man who assumed he knew what I was saying, but he didn’t. In fact he believed my intentions were very bad. He felt attacked, personally attacked and never once did he ask qualifying questions until the end of the conversation. But, I was done! I regained control of the conversation and tried to make it very clear that he was assuming the wrong intent… By then, the conversation went from a civil dialogue to outright hostility.

I’ve noticed that my communication style seems to spawn this reaction too often… yet I honestly believe I assume the best of a person until they have proven the opposite. So, I guess I am the perfect one!

Why is it this way? When I talk to customers, I seem to do very well. I communicate clearly, informatively, and completely. I seldom have a hostile situation with customers, strangers and business… BUT, personal life is very different many times. I can only assume that the way I talk to those in the “inner” circle is different? Or do we make assumptions in the way we receive information from our closer friends? 

This got me thinking. Do we find grace as people get closer or do we increase our expectations of being talked to in a particular manner? Do we automatically determine the closer we are the more offensive a person should be to us? 

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK PLAINLY TO ME! I WILL NOW ASSUME YOU ARE MY ENEMY, AND FURTHERMORE, YOU ARE NOW TRYING TO START A FIGHT WITH ME… FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BE TALKING TO ME WITH HIDDEN MEANINGS AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS NOW A HORRIBLE ATTACK ON MY VERY EXISTENCE”

What an odd scenario, I must find a way to talk to those I care about in a way that is not offensive yet plainly spoken when I see a stronghold on those I care for… Jesus said something about this:

Mark 6:4 Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.”

Could Jesus define this phenomena? I believe he wrote this for a specific reason, he wanted us to know that those who know you the best, tolerate you the least… How odd! You prove for years you have good intentions, always and still, and yet your intent is now assumed to be that of an enemy. 

Don’t get me wrong, I too judge others intentions by the words. Yet as for myself, I am perfect, so I judge my words by my intentions.….. My intentions are always measured by myself, your intentions are also measured by me.. I can perfectly measure my intentions every time, so obviously that makes us experts on measuring everyone else’s intentions as well… 

My message for you today is to start assuming the best in others and when you start to feel like someone close is “attacking” or perhaps “criticizing” you, stop, take a good look, seek first to understand and then to be understood.

James 1:19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;

Proverbs 18:13 One who gives an answer before he hears,
It is foolishness and shame to him.

Generally, ask this before you assume and become angered “This person I am talking to, are they my friend, do I trust they care about me? Are they invested in my life? Am I trying to just pick a fight because I don’t like what they are saying? Am I just being a snowflake? And lastly…. Is the person I am talking to from Generation X, because if they are, they probably don’t do the following:

  • Talking in circles means repeating the same point without making progress or getting to the core issue.
  • Beating around the bush means avoiding the main topic or being evasive, often due to discomfort or fear of directness. 

And they likely communicate within the following parameters:

  • Concise and clear: They get to the point efficiently and avoid unnecessary words or details.
  • Direct: They address the issue at hand directly and honestly.
  • Forthright: They express their ideas or needs openly and candidly.
  • Frank: They are open and honest in their communication.
  • To the point: They focus on the essential information rather than tangents. 

In essence, these individuals value efficiency, clarity, and directness in their communication. 

Please don’t become offended, but rather value frankness and assume the best of intentions. The person you are talking to is likely very passionate and cares deeply, otherwise, they won’t waste time talking to you.

And if you are like me, stop being so “efficient” these are people not computer programs you are talking to… FEELINGS MATTER, at least to them. 

As always, God Bless, C.

The authority to destroy a boy

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My entire life has been marked by authority! Do I have authority? Do you have authority? Do they have authority? All great questions, different connotations, but all around authority… but what is authority? How do we get it? Maintain it? Give it? 

The definition of authority is :

The power or right to give orders, make decisions, enforce obedience. A person or organization having power or control in a particular, typically political or administrative, sphere.

The power of yielding to authority or the power of wielding true authority is the only thing that gives authority any value. This is a difficult balance for the person with authority, because with authority comes power, with greater authority comes greater power… power corrupts and greater power corrupts greater… So does authority mean corruption? This is where I want to park today… authority that is used improperly. 

When I was a child in school, I got my grades on a card every semester. I would need to bring that card home, have a parent sign off that they saw it and bring it back. But whose authority was it if I refused? May father? He would have beaten me first and then asked questions… my mother? She was hooked on pain killers this year and she wasn’t really in touch with the world… myself? Yes, there it was, I somehow needed to take charge and figure out a way to get a signature without getting a beating…. I was too young for that authority… so I lost that report card, I made the school redo that report card and things went much better…

You see, the words on that report card from one music teacher would have driven my father into a rage and I would have once again been beaten with a wire coat hanger, I knew if he saw what she wrote about me, my underwear would surely have been stuck to my backside with the bloody stripes of a wire coat hanger, and the next step would be going into the laundry tub to soak the underwear off those bloody stripes in order to use the toilet. So what were those fateful words from a seventh grade music teacher? 

Let’s back up a year, the year was my 6th grade, a summer that changed me forever, my neighbor molested me, my grandfather died, my mother was hooked on pills and I entered JR High. My first 6 grades were in a private school, Immanuel Lutheran Grade School. I was a custodian’s assistant and played basketball. Everything was going fine! I started 7th grade, got picked on, got in typical Jr High fights and was awarded a 2 year all expense paid scholarship at the UofM… tuition, fees, books and housing (I never went to college, that scholarship was wasted) so back to my music teacher. What could be so bad on a report card? Well, I kept that report card, I never actually lost it and I still have it today as a reminder that words can cause more damage than a knife.

 “Charlie is not much use to us!”… 

Those words set me on a path of self destruction and eventually led me to be the man I am today, no regerts! (intentionally misspelled). I remember those words almost as clearly as the words my father spoke with colorful expletives… He exclaimed “you (meaning me) are the worst thing that ever happened to me (meaning me)” of course that’s not the actual quote, it contained many words that should never see the light of day in my blog, but the intent is fully understood when I clasp that phrase in quotes for you.

Back to authority, today God has given me authority in many areas of life: My family. My business. Sam’s Place. Operating our farm… and so much more. But with authority comes responsibility, and with great authority comes great responsibility… that responsibility should never be taken lightly, for we will all be judged by God on what we have done with what has been given to us, as stewards, because in reality, it’s not our authority, it’s Gods!

So this day, remember this, if you are given authority over twenty dollars, and you use it to cause harm to yourself or others… you will not escape the responsibility of that authority. One day I will answer for my actions and I have a shield to protect me from what I have done and what I deserve… That comes with the responsibility of surrendering not just my failures, but also my success… because I can do nothing good apart from HIM who saved me! So give praise where it is due, and not to men, for nothing good has ever been done aside from the father ordaining that good to happen. Nothing good has ever been done in Charlie’s name, except that God has done it though me.

What are you going to do today that is honorable, good and delightful in Gods eyes?

C.