Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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The day I got a scar so big that I wept.

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The day I got a scar so big that I wept. 

 There comes a day in a man’s life when he takes a look at the “fork in the road”, mine is from a few years ago. Maybe it was the wrong fork? I don’t think so! … The fork in the road for me led me to this very day. I could live regretful and feel sorry, or I can look at it as a painful opportunity that led me to a prosperous life…  The reality is twofold… 

1st: The fork in my road was not a choice, it was a closed road in one direction and a rocky path in the other direction. 

2nd: Prosperity takes many forms, this form is Autism..

It’s no secret my divorce was a grueling and terrible experience, it truly does defeat a man in short order. BUT… it also brought me a new life. It’s not something I “wanted”, it’s not something I was seeking out and it’s certainly not something I would want for one of my boys. But there it is, the boys and I became scar covered and battered. Yet we dug in and overcame… I tell them “It’s just what Hazzards do!”

I did my best in those trying times, we gave up cable tv, we had no options for broadcast tv. I maintained an internet connection for the boys to help them with schoolwork. We ate rice and beans more times than I can count! We asked the county for help with food, to no avail. We didn’t “qualify” because we didn’t have disconnect notices for gas, electric or water. I was doing what I needed to do to meet the financial demands of those days, that means… rice and beans. It’s what Hazzards do, we survive.

My loyal dog never went hungry either, I just worked harder and longer. When the boys were away to visit their mother every other weekend, I would work, go for bike rides, walk the town and do whatever I could to stay sane… me and the boys did everything together, all the time… to be apart for even a few hours was a challenge, weekends were “our times”… camping, exploring, doing, building and everything, we lived for the days we didn’t go to school or work..

What does this have to do with Autism? Well, the good Lord was preparing my three sons and myself for a future challenge, a challenge we knew nothing about. And so, our stubbornness was at its apex, and it was found to be insufficient. I had finally learned how to live in the hope that God provides. Because I had nothing left, I was finally broken, not defeated, just fully dependent on my God, after all, HE is bigger than my problems. 

Fast forward to the summer or maybe the fall of 2014, I happened to be at church choir practice at the same time as the “catalyst” to my new life was also there, her name is Jessica. She too had a life of difficult years and together we became a force to be reckoned with! That was 2015. The start to a story I was not anticipating. A life that makes me question everything I have done and everything I plan to do.

Over the next few weeks, I hope to blog about what it’s like to become a stepfather to a son with autism. I hope to share our challenges and victories as well as sharing in our defeats. I want to share this in a way that is respectful and honest. I want to share this with all the emotions we have had, but not go too crazy. I want to share the scars and defeats as well as the major victories and the little wins. 

We hope this Blog finds you well today, LIvinghazzardously.

Letting Go

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Long before I became a follower of Jesus, I started going on a yearly serenity retreat weekend at the Franciscan Retreat House in Prior Lake, Minnesota.  The retreats were open to anyone in AA/Al-Anon and although a Catholic mass was held on Sunday morning, attendance was completely optional and there was no faith requirement.

I loved the retreats.  Father Howard or other guest speakers would teach lessons on the 12 Steps from the AA Big Book and we would break into small groups and sit in circles throughout the halls and library of the musty retreat house and talk about our hurts and struggles with complete strangers.  There was something mystical to me about the retreat house that at the time captivated me.  The candles, the quiet, the long, underground hallway with the Stations of the Cross, the secret statues hidden along the path in the woods, and the benches scattered all about the grounds were to me symbols of the peace I felt at this place of rest.  I understood nothing about the Catholic faith or the true meaning of the stations and statues, but I felt at peace in the rooms and on the grounds.  This is where I first started to pray and journal and listen for the voice of God. A God that I didn’t yet know, but that I felt drawn to all the same.

Can you recall a time in your life when you heard God’s voice so clearly, that there was no denying it was God?  I have had a few of those God moments, and the first occurred at one of these serenity retreats.  My son, Al, had just been diagnosed with autism and I was struggling with the shock, fear, guilt and confusion that comes with the diagnosis of disability. Al was my first child, and we didn’t pick up on the signs right away.  In fact, Al was five years old before he was diagnosed with autism.  I felt tremendous guilt over not recognizing the signs and ignoring them once they became evident.  I now know that I was in denial.  I wanted to believe that it was nothing.  That he was just a little developmentally delayed. That he would catch up.  When I heard the word autism, I had no idea what it meant.  I spent night after night reading everything I could about it and what therapies or medications would fix it.  ABA, PT, OT, Speech, special diet, aquatic therapy, horse therapy, supplements, chelation…I was flooded with information and suggestions and completely overwhelmed.

As I sat among the circle of chairs in the little library at the retreat house, waiting for my turn to share, all of the fear and anxiety welled up inside of me like a geyser ready to erupt.  Suddenly, my attention was drawn to the woman who sat across from me.  She was sharing about her daughter who struggled with drug addiction.  The hurting mother had spent years trying to fix her, but God had recently spoken to her and told her, “I LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU DO.  LET HER GO.”

As she spoke, it was like the whole world went silent and the lights went out.  All I heard were those words in my head, and I knew at that very moment that God was speaking to me through that stranger.  I didn’t know her name then, and I still don’t today, but I know without a doubt that God used her to speak into my heart  that day.  God loves my son more than I do.  To some, that may seem so obvious, but I did not know God.  I did not know John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life or 1 John 3:1 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.  But that day, God spoke to me and I knew that because He loved my son even more than I did, he would be okay.

It is hard to let go.  I can’t tell you how many times since that day, I have grasped onto the truth of those words.  I have had to remind myself time and time again that God loves my children more that I do and even though I want to protect them and fix them, I can’t.  I have to let them go to God and trust,  Trust that God is faithful and God is in control and that God works for those who wait for Him (Isaiah 64:4).

I was reminded of that today and thought maybe somebody else needed to hear it.

 

The big start!

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I often get asked what, why, when, where? Tell me about “Living Hazzardously.”

 I will attempt to summarize it here.

First is WHAT:

We are opening an adult foster care home as our primary occupation. This means that we are opening our home to a few guys who can use a family setting to prosper in life, a place that’s quiet. Our new home is seated on a 40 acre homestead, and we have plans of gardening, chickens, cows, maybe a goat and a horse? Pretty much whatever is needed to provide a home that both challenges and engages our foster people. If they love horses? We will figure out a way to get a horse. Maybe they love gardening? Okay, we will figure that out, too! The idea is to provide meaningful and productive living at the skill level and interest level of our new, expanded family.  We will see how God provides!

Next is WHY:

After discovering what so many adult “foster”care homes provide (first hand for Al but also seeing so many other similar situations) we couldn’t spend another day thinking about how individual needs were not being met. So, if Al were your son, would you not like to see him prosper? Grow? Learn? Enjoy? Or would you rather he go to his room and watch movies for the next 30 years? It’s a simple answer, but a complex application. We truly believe we can make a difference in a couple lives.  Is that worth the risk? Absolutely!

Now is WHEN:

This could not be a more complicated question! The urgency to provide Al with a better way of life vs the life we have vs our other kids vs … well you get the point. God provides for us in many ways, and this is no different. Jess and I had the same idea or “dream” and started discussion over 1.5 years ago. Confirmation came in so many ways. Family, friends, the Bible, our sons…. it seemed to be the only option. So we started to take our leap of faith and changed everything in our lives to move toward this common theme we called “Living Hazzardously”. God’s provision has always been there!

Traveling to WHERE:

We needed the right place, right price, right peace! We needed a house that could either be used as is or be modified to meet the codes.  It needed to be the right price so we could manage a very large reduction in income. We needed the land. It needed to fit our dream (more of that to follow) we traveled for months, searching and visiting so many homes. We traveled from Chaska into the Arrowhead, over to Lake of the Woods, nearly to Fargo.  Then we found Spring Lake.  It fit every requirement but one, we would have to replace two windows. (That’s an easy job for us) and so, here we are, in prayer! Yes, prayer was our biggest confirmation of all.

So, you want to know our bigger dream?

It’s easy. We will be building three cottages on our land to be used for our ministry of helping marriages survive and thrive in the world of special needs. I’ve been told that marriages that have special needs children fail 87% of the time. We want to help those families! We also want to work with pastors to assist blended families and just marriages altogether. We want to help marriage survive and thrive. We will always have a heart for this. Our big dream is to provide respite care when needed, or just a place to learn how to prioritize marriage, while providing for the needs of families. And to provide for these families regardless of financial ability to pay.

Please join us on this “Hazzardous” adventure! We have many needs, but the most valuable is prayer.

Living Hazzardously is stepping out in faith, knowing it’s God’s prompt, trusting the Lord to provide.