Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Monsters under my bed

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Do you remember that book “monsters under my bed” I can like it was yesterday, but I’m not talking about imaginary monsters, these monsters are real!

I was watching some reels today and the theme of monsters kept coming up. One monster was explained from the book “Dante’s Inferno” where hell has “levels” and one level above Satan is betrayal… betrayal is the opposite of established trust. 

I am hard pressed to think of a monster more destructive than betrayal. 

The man who loses a son to a kidnapper, never seeing him again, recalling the night 40 years later. 

A botched abortion where the child is left to die on a cold winter’s day in the open window of a hospital. 

The woman groped as she served her customers in the restaurant.

The grown man discovers he was put up for adoption because it was “inconvenient” to his parents. 

Trust, betrayal… What makes a person betray the trust of another? I’m not perfect, and I too have a story of great betrayal of a friend’s trust. I am guilty of the worst type of betrayal, I know that side, it comes so naturally. I also know the other side of betrayal. I know the feeling of a friend stealing $20.00… I trusted this friend to buy me some “dope”, he simply took that money and avoided me… sounds petty? Well, betrayal comes in every form, and every time it hurts. Every time it sears our conscience, regardless of the roles we are in at the time. 

I stop, I pause and I think, what’s the worst form of betrayal? A friend over money? A co-worker telling lies or “twisting the truth” to advance his own status at work?  A law enforcement officer that doesn’t pursue ticketing of a pretty girl driving too fast but not letting that girl’s husband go as he is trying to get to work on time after the baby puked on him as he was headed out the door? 

Each of us have our own story, each of us have our own journey, each of us have our own “monsters under the bed”. How do we move past betrayal? How do we rebuild trust? How can we be trusted again? Should we….?

After nearly 19 years of a hard marriage, the man found underwear under his bed, they were not his, he knew what that meant, he was no fool. But he decided go on, believing the story that it was her brother’s underwear that got mixed in from the hunting season… . This man I will call Joe, knew in his heart what this meant, he decided “one more chance”… is he a fool? Over two years of cheating, it caught them both in the act, how many more lovers had there been. Joe counted at least 6 others, starting in the first of nineteen years.

 

As I learned of “Joe’s” story, I felt my heart break. Joe was not a perfect husband, he made many mistakes, he knew those mistakes all too well, but one thing Joe held on to after all those years, he said “I never gave up hope! I lost trust, I was betrayed by my closest friend, I did some stupid and hurtful things, but I never quit, I never gave up!”

I still talk to this man I call Joe, I still see him from time to time, but he is a new man now, he has learned to trust again, he has learned there is more than the past that makes a man, he has learned the value of serving others without restraint.

Monsters try to eat us, they lie and tell us “there is no reason to go on living”. Monsters don’t care about you, monsters devour everything. If you looked under your bed and find a monster, know there is hope.

Monsters might hide in the closet, running out the door when nobody is looking or they may blend in under the bed. The point is, monsters only have power when we give them that power, take that power back, give that power to Jesus, start living for the one that never betrays us. 

Jesus said  “Everything is possible for one who believes”.

Monsters, only you can feed a monster, but Jesus can feed you.

With great love from our father in heaven, Charlie

Fairytales, unkept promises, like Disneyland.

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The other day Jess and I were chatting and reminiscing about our previous lives. I wonder if other couples talk about “Before we met”. Do other blended family couples pretend the past has simply vanished? Or are we different, I don’t know. In our conversation I mentioned I never got to take the boys on a “fairytale vacation”, like Disneyland or a cruise or some far off land where every families dreams come true… I glanced at Jess, just in time, to see her face turn down and she looked so sad… I will divulge why in a few paragraphs, but first, I will dig into my fairytale vacation. 

What was my “Fairytale” trip with my three sons? I had so many trips planned, some big, some small but all were amazing (in my minds eye). Do you have a fairytale trip? Or maybe life beat you down like it did to me and you never fully recovered from that beating? Probably my biggest fairytale trip was driving and camping to the east coast and west coast… East to Washington DC and Maine for National history then drop down to Tennessee, the Blue ridges, Kentucky and back up to good old Minnesota… West through Montana to Washington to see the ocean and swing south to see the Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower, Mount Rushmore and back up to the cities.  

My Trips were always the “natural” wonders and places of historical relevance. I never wanted to see Disneyland (and to be honest, it’s repulsive to think about going there now). Jess however had a different set of dreams… The one thing in common was a desire to share the world with our children, being with them and growing together. Jess had grandparents that took the 3 sisters on trips all over… These trips are still invoking fond memories for Jess. These trips are more than just a vacation, they took Jess on a childhood wonderland that nurtured her innocence, satisfied her adventurous side and filled her with years of joy filled memories.

I too have “fond” memories of trips my father took us on… I never had trips with the Grands. My trips involved a hot car, laying on the floor of the back seat right above the exhaust discharge and being shoved into the back window deck of a 1969 Ford Fairlane 2-door… 5 kids, mom and dad and my smelly dog named Tobias Winslow. Coat hangers were “professionally” installed and held up the exhaust that contained more soup cans that obviously exceeded the original equipment specs. I would say it hardly leaked much exhaust into the passenger compartment, never making us sick. The gas tank fell out rounding the corner of Broadway and Penn Ave on our way back from the Salvation Army Store (collecting more of my fathers hoarder stuff) and more “MacGyver creativity” with wire coat hangers to make the perfect long term repair. But that is yet another story.

Back to Jess… you see, Jess had made a promise to Sam, a mothers promise to her son that when he could use the “potty” like a big boy, they would take a trip to the most magical place in all the world. A place that held mystery, magic and hope… The dream of all dreams where fantasy comes true… As Walt himself once said “I think most of all what I want Disneyland to be is a happy place… where parents and children can have fun, together”

This “Fairytale” was about to start slipping away, a journey of around 20 years… A dream that was murdered by the heartless folds of life. Year after year, Jess held on to this promise, never intending to “skip out”. Never intending to make a promise that she would never keep. As Al grew, his behaviors became a daily management task, a full time job! So big was the job of being Als mom, that she soon fell into a serious depression. So deep that it kept her locked into the room marked “SURVIVAL ONLY” for many years. The hard decision was made, she had to separate Sam from Al, to keep Sam safe.

Doing the only thing she could, she moved blocks away from her baby boy, keeping in mind the promise of Disneyland, putting Sam’s safety ahead of herself and providing everything Al needed. Jess had now laid down her life for her two little boys, putting them first in everything. Torn in half, broken, beaten and collapsing under the weight, but holding onto the Hope of Jesus… As she watched her dream of Disneyland slipping further away, she settled into a reality that hurt and could not be avoided. Disneyland was slipping further away from reality. 

Jess and I don’t plan on giving up our dreams of travel across the USA, but it gets complicated. We have our shared dreams, our “places to go” lists. Our question is “HOW”. We have tried so many different ideas on how to make our trips a reality, but there is so much we still need to iron out… It may be hard for many to imagine, but traveling with Al is way more complicated than traveling with a baby in a car seat. Or as my father did, having us laying on the floor or on the ledge of the back window. Travel with Al is actually always “traveling for Al”. I can see how Disneyland was never a viable option, I have learned so much about the stress families have with a special needs child… I never would have guessed it could be this hard. Don’t get me wrong, Al is a blessing and we love him, I don’t regret for a minute being his provider, parent and teacher… But, to be completely transparent, he is not easy to take care of.

I bet you thought this was about Disneyland… It is actually about the broken heart of a mother?

Sam is buried only a couple miles down the road, Jess likes to stop in from time to time to sit, remember and pretend to have a conversation with Sam. I am sure she likes to imagine Sam running around Disneyland, smiling, eating too much junk food and just being her baby boy that learned how to “Potty like a big boy”…

The dream is never going to become reality now. The stress of losing a son when he is only 22. Breaking a life long promise. Somedays, this would be more than enough to put the strongest of men into bed, weeping for days… Jess is amazing, strong, resilient and capable. Although the “fantasy” trip to Disneyland has been retired, she has found a new hope, a new dream and a new reason to pursue life.

Grandbabies! Sophia, Sadie and the one due in April… Sam’s place. The Redwood forest, the Gulf stream waters. The dreams are different now. The Lord always has and will continue to sustain us, comfort us and give us HOPE, hope comes from God. 

I was told only babies cry, so I guess I am the biggest baby of all. One day I want to write about why I always joke when emotions are high. If you have ADHD, you may very well be very empathetic, you can feel the pain of others, sometimes more than the person who is feeling the emotions… I think that’s me.

May Gods presence be with you today and always, Charlie.

A donkey fell in a well on Sunday. 

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As time goes on, I realize more each day that for me, work is a form of worship. I’m not condoning over work or work addictions. Adam was created to work, he was made as the keeper of the “Garden”… in some translations it may read “caretaker” or another may say “Steward” but over and over I see this underlying theme that we are to do all our work in 6 days and rest on the seventh… 

The Lord’s day, Shabbat, Day of Rest, Sunday, Saturday, Seventh Day, Sabbath, Sabot, Sabbatum, Sabbaton, Shabbath are just a few different names for the day we should keep holy. This seemingly odd command of this principle… one day out of seven, but for what?

Some religions and Christian denominations have put such a heavy emphasis on a particular day, set of rules or procedures and a dedication to this “day” that in some ways they have become a slave to the day. Rules and particulars that are so cumbersome and difficult to “keep” they literally allow no rest, if they truly “keep” the one in seven days…  They are continually, intensely and fully focused on not violating the rules and regulations that are identified with the sabbath day. 

“What is sabbath?” has this question ever truly been addressed, answered and correctly put into perspective? If so, By who? When? How?

 “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath” according to this statement, am I the lord of my sabbath? Is it for me? The sabbath is not the lord over me… Do I command the sabbath? Do I define the sabbath? Do I get to choose? Or is there some other meaning to take away from this? 

“For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath.” Who is the son of Man? Because it sure looks like the “son of man” gets to call the shots here… 

“One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.” Each one should be convinced? Wait , can’t I be convinced wrong is right? 

“So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath.” Here we go again… Who is the “Son of Man”

A quick search said there are over 100 verses that reference “Sabbath” or eludes to the concept of sabbath. That’s a lot of verses. So do your homework and see what the creator of the universe did himself and recommends us to do as well… yes, I said “recommends” (I realize its a command, but this is a blog so I get to embellish the words). The bible is clear that you won’t go to hell for a Sabbath violation, but if the one that “Knit” you into your mothers womb says “Take one day out of seven to not work…” Well, I think it’s pretty smart to pay attention.

We still need to answer who is “The Son of Man” very plainly, it is a title of Jesus, the lord of the sabbath. Did Jesus set an example? His example of rest: He Healed many times on the sabbath, he taught in the churches (synagogue) Plucking heads of grain (gathering food) and even made a point of “helping a donkey or son out of a well”..

 All these are clear examples of work, Yet the Lord of the Sabbath commands us to rest from our work… 

I guess we should look into what is work? If we can define this so well, we can achieve a perfect legal definition and in doing so, no longer violate the sabbath… or, do we simply realize we are to do things that refresh our souls and focus us on our creator? Lets not get bogged down in worldly definitions, traditions and man’s tight fisted measurements? Let us simply realize the purpose of the command, its nature, its value, its real meaning… Rest… maybe a nap? (I always try to get a Sunday nap with my girl) Maybe a trip to the store for ice cream? Maybe a movie? Maybe a task that you find refreshing? For instance…some folks like to read (I actually find reading very stressful). Maybe a puzzle? (seems like work to me) Or maybe building a donkey shelter?… Whatever you do, make it restful and Honor the God of creation on that sabbath day.

So now that we have “defined” work, I work on many things on my sabbath! I work on relationships with those that are in my life. I feed my pigs and chickens. Some days I may work on my boat, my motorcycle or perhaps I go mow the trails… The way I see it is this, “Do something different, something therapeutic, something that gives you calm, something refreshing”. If I sit all day on my sabbath, I become filled with pain from my fibro, so I need to move, I need to get out and do something. I choose to do things that really don’t “need” to be done. Instead, I do things that fill my life with things that bring me rest… like a motorcycle ride, or a boating day where I catch no fish, or preparing the trails for a relaxing hike, something non productive, something that isn’t stress. 

Remember how I started this post? Well if you read the entire post so far, I hope you find this closing helpful.  

I am asked so often: “How’s it going at Sam’s Place?” and I usually reply with some dramatic and awkward answers like “WE HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!” or  “ITS SHOCKING HOW MUCH WORK THERE IS TO DO!” Maybe what I should be saying is “Some days the Lord provides more help than I can effectively manage and I struggle to keep everyone assigned to the task at hand. Yet others are not so busy. We trust God every step of the way. There is more work than I accomplish on my own, yet somehow God provides just enough each day. Thank you for asking and thank you for your prayerful support. I would certainly like more help, we trust God will provide according to His timing.” 

I really do not want people to think I am overwhelmed (even though I may have my days). It is an extraordinary project and we have a lot to accomplish. God has given me an extraordinary skill set and I want to honor the Lord by working hard in the tasks he has assigned for me. But I do need help. 

I am still supporting my family by earning a living with Spring Lake Heating and Air. I am still raising pigs for sale. I am still a husband and a full time father to our son with special needs. I love to worship on Sundays.  I love every part of listening to a good sermon. I love Sunday school with like minded adults. I love sharing God’s good news with others. 

I work extremely hard and I love to work hard, BUT… I also need a sabbath day.

I hope this blog helps you to put your sabbath into perspective and helps you realize just how important it is to “honor the sabbath”.

How can you Honor God by setting your sabbath day apart?