Sunday, I (Charlie) was at church, in case anyone showed up not knowing that church was cancelled. I took some time to record my thoughts on the Serenity Prayer and how to apply it in anxious times.
A New Creation
It has been awhile since Charlie and I have shared on the blog. Life has been busy and we have had a couple wrenches thrown into our plans lately, but God is faithful and although His plans are not always what we want, they are always good and ultimately better than anything we can imagine for ourselves.
The last two Sundays, Charlie and I were given the privilege to share our testimonies at church. We shared them as a means of introducing a new ministry that will be starting at the church we attend in Marcell. Life Recovery is a Christian 12 Step Ministry that helps bring hope to the hurting and allows those who are recovering to share hope with others. Charlie and I can both testify to the hope and healing that comes through a relationship with Jesus Christ. We have decided to share our testimonies here on the blog. Our stories are a tiny glimpse of the transformation that can occur through faith in Jesus Christ and the grace that He has shown us in our brokenness.
My testimony is below and Charlie’s will be shared in the coming week. To God be the Glory!
I was born to unmarried, young parents. My mom was sixteen and my dad was twenty. My upbringing was very unpredictable, as my dad was an alcoholic and a drug dealer and could be very violent. We were poor and lived in low-income housing or with my grandparents most of my younger years. My only exposure to church or God were the few occasions we went to the Catholic Church with my grandma. I enjoyed attending church then, but was confused by what I thought of as the “rituals” and felt awkward and out of place. My dad was an atheist and wanted nothing to do with the church of his upbringing. My mom had been baptized and confirmed, but no longer attended church or ever spoke of God, so my exposure to God was very limited. I was never baptized or dedicated as an infant and had no understanding of the true meaning of such holidays as Christmas and Easter.
I was a perfectionist and struggled with enormous anxiety in my preteens. I struggled with an eating disorder and depression. My freshman year of high school I began to rebel and started skipping school and refusing to get out of bed. Soon after, I discovered alcohol and believed that it was my solution to the overwhelming social anxiety I struggled with. I quickly became addicted to alcohol and drugs and went from being a straight A student to dropping out of school my sophomore year. I left home and moved in with my drug-dealing boyfriend and his family. I started working in bars and hanging out with people who would support my habit. I was extremely depressed and full of guilt and shame for the way I was living and attempted suicide on two occasions. I had no God in my life, but would pray in moments of desperation for God to let me die.
I went through my first addiction treatment program at the age of sixteen and again at eighteen, but never took sobriety seriously. I was given a moment of clarity when on July 4, 1995, I left a family picnic driving drunk and rolled my car off a dirt road onto the front yard of someone’s home. I was so drunk that I did not realize that my car was upside down until after I had crawled out of the side window and stood up and looked back. It was the middle of the day and all around me were children in their yards. They just stood staring at me. I escaped with no legal consequences or serious personal injuries, but the reality of how close I had come to killing one of those children has never left me. I enrolled in my third and final treatment program soon after and finally found lasting sobriety. By the grace of God, I have been sober since July 24, 1996.
I became active in AA, but struggled with the God concept and clung to the idea of a God of my own understanding. I met and married my ex-husband who was also in AA after I became pregnant with my first child. We were married for twelve years and God blessed us with two children, Al and Sam. We struggled in many areas throughout our marriage and divorced. I have come to understand that without Jesus at the center of a marriage, it is almost impossible to endure the storms of life. My children are my greatest gifts. They have taught me more about life and love than I ever imagined possible.
Even in my sobriety, I did not know Jesus and struggled with anxiety and depression and control issues. In August, 2004, my mom died unexpectedly from complications of diabetes. Losing my mom was extremely hard for me. She was living in California and I had only seen her once in the two years prior to her death. I had never heard her speak of God and the reality of death and not knowing where she was going hit me. I knew that I wanted to know what I believed, and I wanted others to know, as well. I started attending a church in Savage in August of 2004 during a sermon series based on the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. The sermon series impacted me and the Holy Spirit was softening my heart. On Good Friday, 2005, I attended a service which reenacted the crucifixion of Christ. It was then I finally came to understand that Jesus died on the Cross for me and the forgiveness of my sins. I accepted Christ that night and wept for hours in the freedom I experienced.
I have walked with Christ ever since. I became very active in my church. I served in Children’s Ministry, Prayer Ministry, Worship Team and attended many Bible Studies. Most importantly, I came to know God personally through prayer and Bible reading. My church family became my brothers and sisters and God blessed me through those relationships tremendously. I experienced a new freedom and a new happiness that only comes through faith in Christ.
In 2014, I felt God pulling me in a new direction – to a new church. I did not understand why and I fought it for quite a while, but I began to feel more and more disconnected from God in my disobedience. That June, I moved to a new church and while singing in the choir, I met Charlie Hazzard, who I married on June 12, 2015! Our God is a God of second chances and he has blessed me with a man who loves the Lord, and I am so grateful to walk with my husband in Christ. Our blended family has a total of five sons and two male dogs! I am eagerly awaiting the addition of a new daughter-in-law! Finally another girl! (
In my 22 years of sobriety, I have grown so much by sharing in joys and struggles with others. I have stayed active in 12 Step Groups, including both AA and Celebrate Recovery. God has set me free from my addiction to alcohol and drugs, but I still struggle with ongoing anxiety, depression, and control issues. I am always growing and learning how to deal with these strongholds and through faith in Christ, I have been given tools in the Word of God, the 12 Steps, and fellowship with other believers. Charlie and I are passionate about sharing the freedom we have found in Christ with others. We hope to start a Life Recovery Group in the near future and provide a space for others who want to break free from sin habits and become all that God has created them to be!
My Life Verse:
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7
I love this verse because I spent so many years of my life walking in fear and darkness and feeling like I had no way out. Christ found me and He saved me. I am a new creation in Christ. There are still moments when I struggle with fear, but I am no longer alone. I am the child of a loving God who will never leave or forsake me. Everyone has this hope in Christ! No matter where you have been or what you have done, it is never too late for a new beginning.
Embracing the New as an Autism Mom
It is hard for me to believe that it was less than four years ago that Charlie and I got married and started a new chapter of life. We both had years of practice in what NOT to do in marriage. We both had years of practice on how to screw things up and make bad choices. Yet, through the grace of God, we were both given a second chance at sharing life with a best friend.
Charlie shared last week on his experience of becoming an autism stepdad. It was interesting for me to read because, quite honestly, I have been an autism mom to Al for almost 21 years and to me the abnormal often seems just plain normal. Charlie is an amazing Dad. He has done an awesome job with his three biological sons, and he has worked really hard to understand both of my sons and to be an awesome stepdad to them. He has really helped me to see Al with new eyes because I have become blind to much of what he does that makes him special. Charlie has helped me to see out of the box and tackle behaviors with fresh vision and perspective.
Al and I have had tough years. The season we are currently in is full of such peace that I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The middle and high school years were the WORST for us and for those out there who are in that season now, I want you to know that there is HOPE. It doesn’t feel like it when you are in the middle of it, but things do get better.
Al was diagnosed with autism at the age of five when his speech therapist, occupational therapist and preschool teacher all came to us with concerns. My ex and I were in denial. We knew that Al had speech and fine motor delays, but we thought he would grow out of it. Al was my first child and I didn’t pick up on the signs right away. He was a happy, chubby guy and I was a new mom trying to figure out how life worked with a baby. When he qualified for early childhood special ed services, I still believed that he would just grow out of his delays. After receiving the official diagnosis of autism and doing some research, I soon discovered that although Al would gain skills, he would always have autism and it would always affect his ability to process information and communicate. It would also always affect his social interactions and emotional intelligence.
As Al got older, we tried every kind of therapy imaginable. Nearly every day was spent hurrying from appointment to appointment with little brother Sam in tow. My life became consumed with meeting Al’s needs and trying to help him gain the skills he would need to function in life. He made great strides in some areas, and in others he seemed stuck. I could handle Al’s language and processing deficits. I could handle his gross and fine motor delays. What was the hardest to handle and manage were the aggressive behaviors that Al began to exhibit in late elementary school and which continued to increase throughout high school. It was an incredibly difficult time for all of us and resulted in Al being hospitalized in the mental health unit at the local hospital four times and being shuffled between six different school environments in four years. My first marriage ended during this time and Al’s younger brother, Sam, went to live with his Dad, spending opposite weekends from Al with me, in order to maintain his safety and some semblance of sanity in his day to day life.
This time in my life was emotionally and physically exhausting and I lived moment by moment, constantly on edge, just trying to survive. I have read that mothers of adolescents and adults with autism experience chronic stress comparable to combat soldiers and I believe that because I have lived it. I have many stories. Few that I want to repeat and none that I want to relive. I just thank God every single day that Al’s level of aggression has subsided. I thank God everyday that Al is not delusional and threatening to hurt people. I thank God everyday that I can bring Al out into public without fear of the police being called or a fight being started.
Charlie came into our life near the end of this time. He experienced some of the very worst moments and he did not run away. I used to say that I would never remarry because no man would possibly be able to handle Al. Then came Charlie. Charlie has been so good for me and Al. When he married me, he knew that my boys and I were a package deal. Even though he doesn’t always understand, he always tries to. He remain calms. He doesn’t try to bully Al into behaving. He observes and listens and helps and brainstorms and encourages and reinforces. We function as a team and Al knows this. Al respects Charlie. He loves Charlie.
Here are my suggestions for any autism mom who has experienced divorce, but has found a new man who wants to be her best friend for life.
- Make sure your future husband is committed not only to you, but to God. No blended family can survive without God at the center, with or without children with special needs.
- Make sure your future husband is committed not only to you, but to your children, through thick and thin.
- Remember that you have years of experience with your children, that your new spouse does not. Don’t expect him to just “get it”.
- Your husband comes first and you and your spouse are a team. Do not favor your child over your husband. Do not take sides against each other. If you disagree on something, take time to discuss it away from the children. Remember: You are not enemies. (NOTE: This does not apply in the case of any kind of abuse!)
- Don’t assume your spouse does not know anything because he is new to parenting your child. Stepparents can see things that you may have started ignoring or given up on years ago. Fresh eyes can bring new insight and wisdom. Be willing to accept feedback and advice.
Charlie and I are still fairly new to this whole blended family thing. Although we love each other to the moon and back, there are times when it is just plain hard. Add special needs to the mix and at times it can seem impossible. Our faith is the glue that holds us together. Without God, we would never be able to navigate the stormy waters without drowning. Don’t try to go at it alone. Rely on God and reach out to a community of believers to lean on in tough times. Feel free to reach out to us. We don’t know your story, but we would love to listen and help where we can. You are not alone. God is good.