Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

Pages

Humiliated, Humbled or Humble

by

In our society the word “humbled” often means putting someone in their place: Ex. “I sure humbled Jack! I showed him his place in life!” I don’t know if this is the best way to win folks over to your side, by “putting them in their place”. I think there are better ways, but I also understand “There is a time for every purpose, under heaven!” (I can hear the tune, can you). I have done this so many times in my life, putting them in their place feels good, for a minute. To be honest, sometimes it’s the only thing left in some situations. I usually reserve this approach to the defense of others. 

Is it ok to “call out” a person for treating another person in a less than Christian manner? I think it is not just ok, I see it as our duty in life as a Christian. I think the Bible is very clear that we should not back off of this! Approaching it with love, kindness and understanding… but never “not address injustice”.

Or maybe you are more like Moses?

Humbling yourself before the Lord? In other words, knowing  the truth of where you actually fit into the narrative? I think we all like the idea of knowing the truth of where we actually fit in hierarchies and social orders. We may not like it or maybe we won’t even accept it, we may strive to change it or we just sit back and whine a bit… but I do think we should find comfort in truth, even uncomfortable truth.

Well, yesterday I sat down in the hallway at Sam’S Place… I just sat down and felt the need to pray, not for anything, not about anything but just sit down and say “THANK YOU GOD”. thank you for all the hands that help, thank you for the purpose in life, thank you for everything you are accomplishing here, thank you for the volunteers, donations and help.

I realize that God is ultimately the one driving the bus, and I realize I am given the job of tour guide. I realize that everyone on the bus sees me standing in front and giving the speech of where we are and describing the scene outside… But I can’t control where the bus goes. Or how fast we are going. Or even the bumps, lanes and hills… All I can do is pay attention to where we are and do my best to translate the scene to those that are taking the tour with us. 

So, back to the hallway, I sat down, remembered the tour… the volunteers that painted, the skilled labor, the unskilled labor… THE DREAMS WE HAVE vs THE REALITY WE GET! As I sat there, my friend Wayne approached from the stairway behind me, placed his hand on my shoulder, just knowing people care is enough to sustain me and give me hope. I know God is ever present in this project. Is that what humility feels like? Making me well up inside with the joy that surpasses all understanding? GOD has this. I just need to climb those steps, one more time. 

I felt God’s presence at Sam’s Place yesterday, as I have many days before, but yesterday was somehow different. I couldn’t help but wonder who it was that stopped in their day and prayed for me, but I know somebody had done just that. There was some faith filled prayer warrior out there, praying for me, and I knew it. So I too stopped, and I just said “Thank you”.

I don’t pray often enough, that I know… I also don’t pray that God teaches me “humility” or “patience” or “faith”… perhaps I should? But those prayers are life lessons I try to avoid, I trust God gives me what I need to do his will, so I pray that often. “Teach me your will, Reveal your will and Provide for me the means to carry out your will” I figure, that’s enough for now.

So, for today, I ask you to pray for us to be successful in wrapping up at Sam’s Place, we are very close to opening the first wing, VERY close… but I think the next step may need more prayer than all the days that have led us to this point in time… filling this old building with people to love and care for. 

How do we take the next step? What is the next step?

I am reminded of this verse:

James 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

The way I read this verse is that there are folks that have nobody left (widows) and folks that nobody takes care of (orphans), regardless of age, regardless of social status, regardless of ability… to “visit” them doesn’t mean to go to where they live and have them cook dinner for me… it means to cloth them, feed them, give them a home, To LOVE your your neighbor as yourself… to give and provide…….. “ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

The humble heart is a thing of beauty.

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Monsters under my bed

by

Do you remember that book “monsters under my bed” I can like it was yesterday, but I’m not talking about imaginary monsters, these monsters are real!

I was watching some reels today and the theme of monsters kept coming up. One monster was explained from the book “Dante’s Inferno” where hell has “levels” and one level above Satan is betrayal… betrayal is the opposite of established trust. 

I am hard pressed to think of a monster more destructive than betrayal. 

The man who loses a son to a kidnapper, never seeing him again, recalling the night 40 years later. 

A botched abortion where the child is left to die on a cold winter’s day in the open window of a hospital. 

The woman groped as she served her customers in the restaurant.

The grown man discovers he was put up for adoption because it was “inconvenient” to his parents. 

Trust, betrayal… What makes a person betray the trust of another? I’m not perfect, and I too have a story of great betrayal of a friend’s trust. I am guilty of the worst type of betrayal, I know that side, it comes so naturally. I also know the other side of betrayal. I know the feeling of a friend stealing $20.00… I trusted this friend to buy me some “dope”, he simply took that money and avoided me… sounds petty? Well, betrayal comes in every form, and every time it hurts. Every time it sears our conscience, regardless of the roles we are in at the time. 

I stop, I pause and I think, what’s the worst form of betrayal? A friend over money? A co-worker telling lies or “twisting the truth” to advance his own status at work?  A law enforcement officer that doesn’t pursue ticketing of a pretty girl driving too fast but not letting that girl’s husband go as he is trying to get to work on time after the baby puked on him as he was headed out the door? 

Each of us have our own story, each of us have our own journey, each of us have our own “monsters under the bed”. How do we move past betrayal? How do we rebuild trust? How can we be trusted again? Should we….?

After nearly 19 years of a hard marriage, the man found underwear under his bed, they were not his, he knew what that meant, he was no fool. But he decided go on, believing the story that it was her brother’s underwear that got mixed in from the hunting season… . This man I will call Joe, knew in his heart what this meant, he decided “one more chance”… is he a fool? Over two years of cheating, it caught them both in the act, how many more lovers had there been. Joe counted at least 6 others, starting in the first of nineteen years.

 

As I learned of “Joe’s” story, I felt my heart break. Joe was not a perfect husband, he made many mistakes, he knew those mistakes all too well, but one thing Joe held on to after all those years, he said “I never gave up hope! I lost trust, I was betrayed by my closest friend, I did some stupid and hurtful things, but I never quit, I never gave up!”

I still talk to this man I call Joe, I still see him from time to time, but he is a new man now, he has learned to trust again, he has learned there is more than the past that makes a man, he has learned the value of serving others without restraint.

Monsters try to eat us, they lie and tell us “there is no reason to go on living”. Monsters don’t care about you, monsters devour everything. If you looked under your bed and find a monster, know there is hope.

Monsters might hide in the closet, running out the door when nobody is looking or they may blend in under the bed. The point is, monsters only have power when we give them that power, take that power back, give that power to Jesus, start living for the one that never betrays us. 

Jesus said  “Everything is possible for one who believes”.

Monsters, only you can feed a monster, but Jesus can feed you.

With great love from our father in heaven, Charlie

Fairytales, unkept promises, like Disneyland.

by

The other day Jess and I were chatting and reminiscing about our previous lives. I wonder if other couples talk about “Before we met”. Do other blended family couples pretend the past has simply vanished? Or are we different, I don’t know. In our conversation I mentioned I never got to take the boys on a “fairytale vacation”, like Disneyland or a cruise or some far off land where every families dreams come true… I glanced at Jess, just in time, to see her face turn down and she looked so sad… I will divulge why in a few paragraphs, but first, I will dig into my fairytale vacation. 

What was my “Fairytale” trip with my three sons? I had so many trips planned, some big, some small but all were amazing (in my minds eye). Do you have a fairytale trip? Or maybe life beat you down like it did to me and you never fully recovered from that beating? Probably my biggest fairytale trip was driving and camping to the east coast and west coast… East to Washington DC and Maine for National history then drop down to Tennessee, the Blue ridges, Kentucky and back up to good old Minnesota… West through Montana to Washington to see the ocean and swing south to see the Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower, Mount Rushmore and back up to the cities.  

My Trips were always the “natural” wonders and places of historical relevance. I never wanted to see Disneyland (and to be honest, it’s repulsive to think about going there now). Jess however had a different set of dreams… The one thing in common was a desire to share the world with our children, being with them and growing together. Jess had grandparents that took the 3 sisters on trips all over… These trips are still invoking fond memories for Jess. These trips are more than just a vacation, they took Jess on a childhood wonderland that nurtured her innocence, satisfied her adventurous side and filled her with years of joy filled memories.

I too have “fond” memories of trips my father took us on… I never had trips with the Grands. My trips involved a hot car, laying on the floor of the back seat right above the exhaust discharge and being shoved into the back window deck of a 1969 Ford Fairlane 2-door… 5 kids, mom and dad and my smelly dog named Tobias Winslow. Coat hangers were “professionally” installed and held up the exhaust that contained more soup cans that obviously exceeded the original equipment specs. I would say it hardly leaked much exhaust into the passenger compartment, never making us sick. The gas tank fell out rounding the corner of Broadway and Penn Ave on our way back from the Salvation Army Store (collecting more of my fathers hoarder stuff) and more “MacGyver creativity” with wire coat hangers to make the perfect long term repair. But that is yet another story.

Back to Jess… you see, Jess had made a promise to Sam, a mothers promise to her son that when he could use the “potty” like a big boy, they would take a trip to the most magical place in all the world. A place that held mystery, magic and hope… The dream of all dreams where fantasy comes true… As Walt himself once said “I think most of all what I want Disneyland to be is a happy place… where parents and children can have fun, together”

This “Fairytale” was about to start slipping away, a journey of around 20 years… A dream that was murdered by the heartless folds of life. Year after year, Jess held on to this promise, never intending to “skip out”. Never intending to make a promise that she would never keep. As Al grew, his behaviors became a daily management task, a full time job! So big was the job of being Als mom, that she soon fell into a serious depression. So deep that it kept her locked into the room marked “SURVIVAL ONLY” for many years. The hard decision was made, she had to separate Sam from Al, to keep Sam safe.

Doing the only thing she could, she moved blocks away from her baby boy, keeping in mind the promise of Disneyland, putting Sam’s safety ahead of herself and providing everything Al needed. Jess had now laid down her life for her two little boys, putting them first in everything. Torn in half, broken, beaten and collapsing under the weight, but holding onto the Hope of Jesus… As she watched her dream of Disneyland slipping further away, she settled into a reality that hurt and could not be avoided. Disneyland was slipping further away from reality. 

Jess and I don’t plan on giving up our dreams of travel across the USA, but it gets complicated. We have our shared dreams, our “places to go” lists. Our question is “HOW”. We have tried so many different ideas on how to make our trips a reality, but there is so much we still need to iron out… It may be hard for many to imagine, but traveling with Al is way more complicated than traveling with a baby in a car seat. Or as my father did, having us laying on the floor or on the ledge of the back window. Travel with Al is actually always “traveling for Al”. I can see how Disneyland was never a viable option, I have learned so much about the stress families have with a special needs child… I never would have guessed it could be this hard. Don’t get me wrong, Al is a blessing and we love him, I don’t regret for a minute being his provider, parent and teacher… But, to be completely transparent, he is not easy to take care of.

I bet you thought this was about Disneyland… It is actually about the broken heart of a mother?

Sam is buried only a couple miles down the road, Jess likes to stop in from time to time to sit, remember and pretend to have a conversation with Sam. I am sure she likes to imagine Sam running around Disneyland, smiling, eating too much junk food and just being her baby boy that learned how to “Potty like a big boy”…

The dream is never going to become reality now. The stress of losing a son when he is only 22. Breaking a life long promise. Somedays, this would be more than enough to put the strongest of men into bed, weeping for days… Jess is amazing, strong, resilient and capable. Although the “fantasy” trip to Disneyland has been retired, she has found a new hope, a new dream and a new reason to pursue life.

Grandbabies! Sophia, Sadie and the one due in April… Sam’s place. The Redwood forest, the Gulf stream waters. The dreams are different now. The Lord always has and will continue to sustain us, comfort us and give us HOPE, hope comes from God. 

I was told only babies cry, so I guess I am the biggest baby of all. One day I want to write about why I always joke when emotions are high. If you have ADHD, you may very well be very empathetic, you can feel the pain of others, sometimes more than the person who is feeling the emotions… I think that’s me.

May Gods presence be with you today and always, Charlie.