Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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The day I got a scar so big that I wept.

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The day I got a scar so big that I wept. 

 There comes a day in a man’s life when he takes a look at the “fork in the road”, mine is from a few years ago. Maybe it was the wrong fork? I don’t think so! … The fork in the road for me led me to this very day. I could live regretful and feel sorry, or I can look at it as a painful opportunity that led me to a prosperous life…  The reality is twofold… 

1st: The fork in my road was not a choice, it was a closed road in one direction and a rocky path in the other direction. 

2nd: Prosperity takes many forms, this form is Autism..

It’s no secret my divorce was a grueling and terrible experience, it truly does defeat a man in short order. BUT… it also brought me a new life. It’s not something I “wanted”, it’s not something I was seeking out and it’s certainly not something I would want for one of my boys. But there it is, the boys and I became scar covered and battered. Yet we dug in and overcame… I tell them “It’s just what Hazzards do!”

I did my best in those trying times, we gave up cable tv, we had no options for broadcast tv. I maintained an internet connection for the boys to help them with schoolwork. We ate rice and beans more times than I can count! We asked the county for help with food, to no avail. We didn’t “qualify” because we didn’t have disconnect notices for gas, electric or water. I was doing what I needed to do to meet the financial demands of those days, that means… rice and beans. It’s what Hazzards do, we survive.

My loyal dog never went hungry either, I just worked harder and longer. When the boys were away to visit their mother every other weekend, I would work, go for bike rides, walk the town and do whatever I could to stay sane… me and the boys did everything together, all the time… to be apart for even a few hours was a challenge, weekends were “our times”… camping, exploring, doing, building and everything, we lived for the days we didn’t go to school or work..

What does this have to do with Autism? Well, the good Lord was preparing my three sons and myself for a future challenge, a challenge we knew nothing about. And so, our stubbornness was at its apex, and it was found to be insufficient. I had finally learned how to live in the hope that God provides. Because I had nothing left, I was finally broken, not defeated, just fully dependent on my God, after all, HE is bigger than my problems. 

Fast forward to the summer or maybe the fall of 2014, I happened to be at church choir practice at the same time as the “catalyst” to my new life was also there, her name is Jessica. She too had a life of difficult years and together we became a force to be reckoned with! That was 2015. The start to a story I was not anticipating. A life that makes me question everything I have done and everything I plan to do.

Over the next few weeks, I hope to blog about what it’s like to become a stepfather to a son with autism. I hope to share our challenges and victories as well as sharing in our defeats. I want to share this in a way that is respectful and honest. I want to share this with all the emotions we have had, but not go too crazy. I want to share the scars and defeats as well as the major victories and the little wins. 

We hope this Blog finds you well today, LIvinghazzardously.

Dear Mr Cellophane, Please refrain, Mr Cellophane.

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Dear Mr Cellophane, Please refrain, Mr Cellophane.

Her scream pierced the night as if it were a tornado siren!  Shattering the silent calm with shrieks of terror. The puppeteer, now in full control, reaping, claiming & taking over her very will, leaving nothing untouched. Like a tornado when it hits a small town. TERROR ON EVERY SIDE. Quick! Everyone hide! Head to the basement! Under the stairs! Into a closet! Into safety…  But today, there is no place to hide, no safe place to be. As if we sat in a vast open field. We sat on the edge of our bed, so horribly unprotected, the “siren” wails, we can’t run, we can’t hide, we can only sit here as the storm devours us. It swallows our life in one large gulp, one devastating statement, “He didn’t make it”. That scream was only one word, yet it said all there was to say. That word will forever haunt my memories…. “WHAT”.  

I watched a woman cry out in pain on tv after she had the truth revealed to her in real time about her beloved child and I too cried. I was there when my father died and I watched my mother cry out in pain when my sister died in a tragic crash. I was with my mother the day she passed away. I sang at the funeral of my niece who was murdered. Death is real and it is inevitable! So why do we react the way we do? Everyone is going to “Kick the bucket”. Is it a surprise?

When death enters the life of a friend or relative, how should we react? Should we offer long statements of how we know what you are going through? Perhaps we should simply connect at the beginning with hugs and attention and slowly drift back to a settled life we had before this event? Maybe we should just do our best to ignore It and not even acknowledge the situation? What is the best way to react? What is the proper way to connect? Is there a wrong way? I personally think this is a much more complicated question and it depends greatly on the relationship.

When my step son Sam passed away that August night, I started on a journey that was “unfamiliar” to me. I had previously experienced plenty of death in my life, I knew the attention I should expect. The responses people give in different situations can vary more than the East is from the West… BUT I did not expect this : “Dear Mr Cellophane, Please refrain, Mr Cellophane”. I experienced a form of disconnect or perhaps a better description is invisibleness in the months that followed. It was as if the expectation others  had were more like I had lost a distant third cousin that I only met once about 20 years ago. This not only surprised me, it made me feel like my relationship with Sam was insignificant and meant little to nothing. I could only assume this was simply because I am his “step father”. 

In the months to come I heard statements like “Ohh this must be so hard on Jess and Al, do you know how his father is doing?” or “Wow, this must be so hard, How is Jess handling this?” or maybe “I remember when(insert a favorite memory) happened, Does Jess need anything? You know we are always here to help, whatever Jess and Al need, just let us know!” I started to feel invisible and I started to feel like I didn’t experience the death of a child, now granted, he was not my blood child, and I don’t want to downplay that role. I am also adopted into a family, the family of God and God thinks of me no less than his “blood” child. 

It wasn’t until months, well actually about a year later that I found a man who also was ‘Mr Cellophane”, he too was the step father to a child that ran ahead into heaven… and he actually knew what I felt. For the first time since Sam passed away, I understood I was not crazy in this area and the feelings I felt were very similar to his… he had raised this boy of his from a very early age… he too was invisible.

I am not looking for “pity” and I certainly don’t want attention but I did find it was hard and for a brief moment in time I think I can understand a bit of how God may feel. When God is not given the credit due him for being our Father. Ohh I know, it’s different, I’m not saying I am God or that I know what it’s like.. But it got me thinking… Do I give God the attention he deserves for stepping into my life and being my step father? Do I recognize the commitment and dedication he has given freely to me? How about you? Do you need to take a second and credit God what is due to God for being your GOOD STEP DAD? 

May God bring you peace today

Livinghazzardously for God.

How do I love thee, let me count the ways.

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How do I love thee, let me count the ways.

Love is such an awesome word, don’t you agree? What other word can we miss use so easily? I love my wife, I love my dog, I love fruit loops, I love my brother, I love my grandchild… and on and on we go, just loving anything. But how do I love my wife? Do I lay down my life for my wife the same way I do for a salmon dinner in a fine restaurant? Or if I have to choose between my granddaughter and my chickens, am I indifferent? 

This morning, I sat at my table drinking coffee and thought about how much I love having a warm comfortable home. My beautiful wife walks in and says, “good morning, Hunny, I love you!” Does she think I am a warm comfortable house? Of course not, so what is it about the word “love” anyway? Well, I think it’s best described in the Greek language with three or maybe its four distinctly different words. Is it important to know the difference? Maybe not. We understand the difference because we can relate to the nuances of our simple language and how to apply each variation.

In Greek, (as I understand it, and I’m sure my interpretation is less perfect) the word for love is split into four:  Agape, Philia, Eros and Storge.

 Agape is a word for a pure and self-sacrificial love, the kind of love that is never affected by the subject of that love. In other words, you can in no way change the love that is given in “Agape”. Not in thought, word or deed. Agape is freely given, and your actions have no bearing on that love in any way. It is the highest form of love, and the deepest form of love. I really don’t have any other example than John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son….” Loving his creation so much that he sacrificed his “SON” so we can be forgiven for our willful sin (no matter how small that sin may seem).

Philia, another word for love, is the root of the word “Philadelphia”. You may have guessed it, “The city of Brother love” is from this root word. It has been described as a deeper form of love than “casual love” and depends on sharing an origin with another person. It is also described as a “give and take love” as in “you scratch my back and I scratch your back”. It’s a love given and taken within a secure and trusted, deeper level of a relationship.

Eros, the word for sensual physical love, as in a sensual relationship between a husband and wife. We get the word “erotic” from this Greek word.  This love can be described as the physical receiving of love. Eros can also be “joint receiving” of erotic love making. Eros is not one sided, the focus is more in the receiving rather than giving. Eros can only be taken in a sense, but all too often it will be taken solely in a selfish manner and little to no thought is given about the one it was taken from. It can be selfish & self-serving… In the right format, it can be beautiful, bonding and kind.  In the wrong format, it will be ugly, hurtful and destructive to all those involved and spreads to others like cancer. 

Storge is our last word for love and can be described as “family love” but I have heard it used as “an affection for or towards a thing”. In short, it can be used for “I love this neighborhood” or “I love french fries” and can even be part of the “love formula” I have for other things. I have always found this word to be the most criticized of these four Greek love words, but that doesn’t stop me from talking about it. 

So, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter, why not and should it matter? If it does matter, how does it matter and what benefit is there to knowing all this? Maybe it’s just worthless gibberish and I should go wash my socks…  I find this topic to be an unusually interesting topic as it helps me draw near to God, my bride, my sons and helps me to feel compassion for others. I find it helps me to understand how relationships are different but so valuable to my life.

By categorizing these different “loves” I have learned how to better apply them and even more how to appreciate them. How can I better love my bride? (don’t worry, this is a G rated blog) can I Agape her when I am grumpy? Can I Storge her when I am in pain? Can I Philia her when I feel alone? What needs to change to show her how I truly feel? What can I change so that I can see how she really feels? Now that I have that sorted out and now that my marriage is perfect, let’s move on to everyone else in the world… and eventually I will get around to that dog of mine that destroyed 2 brand new 12-3 50-foot extension cords before I even got to use them (I am still calming down over that). 

So, to close out this blog on this cold and windy January day, I leave you with a few thoughts. In the following verses, I have used a substitution in the American translations that say “Love”.  I am pretty sure all these words for love are “AGAPE” but that is not my point in this blog. I have categorized the following phrases in an effort to reflect on the application of love. This passage is a great resource to help explain my point. I am not explaining the passages, I am only using the verses to better explain the American word “love”.

“Love is patient”

  •  Agape is patient, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is patient, when it is mutual
  • Eros is patient, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is patient, when we are friends

“Love is kind”

  •  Agape is kind, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is kind, when it is mutual
  • Eros is kind, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is kind, when we are friends

“Love is not jealous”

  •  Agape is not jealous, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is not jealous, when it is mutual
  • Eros is not jealous, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is not jealous, when we are friends

“Love does not brag”

  •  Agape does not brag, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not brag, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not brag, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not brag, when we are friends

“Love is not arrogant”

  •  Agape is not arrogant, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is not arrogant, when it is mutual
  • Eros is not arrogant, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is not arrogant, when we are friends

“Love does not act unbecomingly”

  •  Agape does not act unbecomingly, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not act unbecomingly, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not act unbecomingly, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not act unbecomingly, when we are friends

“Love does not seek its own”

  •  Agape does not seek its own, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not seek its own, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not seek its own, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not seek its own, when we are friends

“Love is not provoked”

  •  Agape is not provoked, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia is not provoked, when it is mutual
  • Eros is not provoked, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge is not provoked, when we are friends

“Love does not take into account a wrong suffered”

  •  Agape does not take into account a wrong suffered, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not take into account a wrong suffered, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not take into account a wrong suffered, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not take into account a wrong suffered, when we are friends

“Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness”

  •  Agape does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when it is mutual
  • Eros does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge does not rejoice in unrighteousness, when we are friends

“Love rejoices with the truth”

  •  Agape rejoices with the truth, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia rejoices with the truth, when it is mutual
  • Eros rejoices with the truth, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge rejoices with the truth, when we are friends

“Love bears all things”

  •  Agape bears all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia bears all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros bears all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge bears all things, when we are friends

“Love believes all things”

  •   Agape believes all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia believes all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros believes all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge believes all things, when we are friends

“Love hopes all things”

  •  Agape hopes all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia hopes all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros hopes all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge hopes all things, when we are friends

“Love endures all things”

  •  Agape endures all things, when it is pure and perfect
  • Philia endures all things, when it is mutual
  • Eros endures all things, when it’s not selfish
  • Storge endures all things, when we are friends

Love, what a powerful and misused four letter word. 

Charlie, Living Hazzardously for the Glory of our loving savior.