Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Bits and Pieces

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Its no secret that I deal with a great deal of childhood trauma. Although I was formed in a life of trauma, trauma doesnt defining who I have become. Nowadays, I try to recognize how I may help others. Others that have had the same or similar type of experiences… I try to meet them on the journey of life, so that we may both find success in spite of our pasts. 

It seems like every so often I am reminded of a memory of yet another “something” I endured as a child. This weeks memory was… Looking back on the days of living in a rat infested home on the Northside of Minneapolis… some of the ways my father “euthanized” these creatures… I had blocked it out for years, but it came back to me the other day, the smell, sights and sounds is not something I want to publish in a public blog, sedistic, cruel and not humane, just torture! Not something I choose to remember but rather an event I wished I had never been around for. 

I talk to my younger brother and talk through the details from time to time, just to remember the details of our troubled past. This helps to clarify it wasn’t just “some kid, making stuff up in his head”…realizing what I had seen, heard, smelled and felt, this is somehow freeing…. And in other ways its damning…. My past what made me who I am but it is not the essence of who I am.

As I sat at Sam’s Place the other day, having a spot of lunch. I was talking to a couple of our guys, one of them triggered this memory from my childhood… Later I confirmed with my brother the experience we had as small boys growing up in the house of horrors… If it had just been rats, I suppose I could have overlooked it easier. But the cats, so many cats and the way he did it… and what he did to my poor little pup, “Tobias winslow the third” (the picture is not my pup, but looks just like him)

A bedlington terrier and poodle mix. I sat for hours with himgrowing up, we just hung out… but I couldn’t take him with in my later teens life of rebellion when I moved into the phase of life called “the couch days”

My pup was a super sweet fella, he was always happy to see me when ever I could get back home, but then there was the last time I came home to be greeted by the fuzzy little guy… I found him blocked into his dog house with a piece of plywood, mom said he had been block in for days, in the summer heat. I  ripped the dog house open to find my pup alive but looking like he should not be living… infections had invaded his skin, he was covered in poo but he was still my buddy, the only “person” that was always happy to see me… I cried. For hours I cried. How could this be that my little gray pup would be treated this way… and I felt the guilt from not being there to protect him from the man that abused or took advantage of every creature in his world. 

This is not where I want to leave the story, there is redemption and  victory. My father was filled with pride, but even he became humble in his last days, as he faced the inevitable call of the timeless outcome…. we must all one day see face to face… Death visited my pup as an act of mercy, I saw the most beautiful creature of my life abused, neglected and it was my fault for not being there when he needed me, my loyal, little, fuzzy grey pup… 

These events have shaped my life, not dictated my path, I may have experienced these events as a child but as a man I can choose to rise above them and see the pain others are in. I want to meet others and let them know its not who they are, it doesnt need to define them… there is victory if you truely want to find it, it just looks different, but it only comes from Jesus. 

So what is my message today?

No more victims, today I only see the victor in you. 

 Its simple…but so difficult. I believe there is Victory in Jesus, not because I choose to have victory but rather I surender my victimhood to Jesus and he nailed it to the cross! So that I may take part in his Victory! You can too. 

Each day, start with being a victor over something, even if its just getting out of bed… GET UP! Feel that? Its victory! Now lets work on making your bed, even if its just putting the bed spread over the messy sheet, you can do it, do it every day and claim that as your victory until its becomes a normal part of life. Maybe a month, or even longer, now take that next step, put the pillow straight. Maybe the sheet is next? Find victory in something, anything! One step at a time, you got this… I believe in you even if you dont. Keep stepping, dont give up! So what, you didnt succeed at your goal today, but what did you succeeed in dong? Lets focus on that instead! There you go, step up tomorrow. Keep going, even if its something small, be intentional, DO IT!

This my friend is how you can beat it, with Jesus all things are not just possible, they are worth it. 

God Bless my friend, you got this, C.

Victor not Victim

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Jess and I headed out the ⅛ mile driveway, Al slipped into the morning routine and started “bopping his head” to the sounds in his headphones, Groot settled down in the back of the car in his normal fashion… we turn right, accelerate, brake, accelerate, brake then turn left. As we turn left we brace for the impact with the “barrier”… we collide, head on! Three days a week or more, same drill. We don’t feel the barrier physically, but more like the music dies in Al’s headphones, the little “spinner” on the phones start to dance the standard processes and we are no longer connected with the world. 

Somedays I feel like we are living in the movie “Maze Runner”…

The gates open, we are well prepared, and we start running the maze of roads, mapping out until…   We can no longer map anything. Returning home before the gates close, locking us out in the maze overnight. We made it and there is no need to face the real terrors and fears of the world. 

I love living in a world where I can escape the constant “connection”… The monitoring. The always “knowing” phone. Listening, adjusting, changing my personal algorytm… Our advertisements! What Jess and I had just been talking about “the dogs need their shots” turns into getting ads about spending our money on the “best care for your fur babies”. If you are like me, I find great JOY in the quiet things, the calm of the trees, standing alone in the forest. The flowing waters that gurgle against the battle of cold snow and forming ice… robbing momentum from the waters relentless desire to reach the ocean. The waters never stop and reflect on how they are are “VICTIMS” of circumstance. The waters never call for the government to provide de-icing chemicals… its almost like the waters know they shoud never quit, never give up, victory is coming.

Even the distant buzz of the loggers working to provide the ever thirsty lumber mill industry with exactly what they need to continue the quest of construction. After hundreds of years, and still making timber into sticks, trees into pulp.

I seek victory! I seldom have a victim mentality but so often, I find myself in the constant battle of explaining “victims are self made”… I’m not saying that every situation doesn’t produce a victim, but if you wake up, and don’t make your bed, don’t watch the sun rise, dont find joy…. Well, its that much harder to find victory in the remaining hours of life. I don’t believe I am controlled by my emotions but rather God has given me the power to control my emotions. And if I have power to control my emotions, then it must be a decision to wake up knowing once again, I am the “victor”… so I choose to be victorious, even if all I do is make my bed, drink my coffee and see the sun rise from obscurity to magnificence. I can be a Victor in something, so can you!

I wake up, enjoy a half hour of calm, wait for the coffee to brew, sit down and listen to the sounds of my heart beat, the creaks of the house, the breathing of my dogs and the cool wind beating against the eves…. At ¼ past the hour, I rise to my feet and retrieve my loving bride, make the bed, start turning on the lights and settle back down for a bit of screentime while it’s still calm… 

The day starts to break again…

It’s not always easy to have a victor’s mentality, it’s not always easy to remember God’s goodness, its not always easy to remember I deserve so much less… Some days I struggle, and to be honest, I struggle much more often than I should. But knowing God chose me, and that I am not able to bring anything to God that is worthy of his goodness, well, that reminds me… I am wonderfully and fearfully made in the image of my GOD….. when I remember the fathers voice, I again turn to the victory, I put off the victim and realize everything good in my life is not my own doing but rather the gift of the one who is always providing those things I need. 

Victory is a decision to see the gifts I have been given, victimhood is oppression to “always feeling like I deserve better”… that destroys my joy…. Holding on to the good things, letting go of the bad things, choosing to be a VICTOR is choosing freedom and finding joy. 

Good Bless C.

When is it enough

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I was thinking about my father, I was disconnected from my family, I didn’t really spend much time thinking about the old man… I did my own thing. How he hadnt realy any opinion about me joining the Navy… That decision led me onto path of no return, a path that filled my life with anxiety, depression and chaos. I knew God, or at least a form of God that I liked. My God stood around waiting for me to need him, and I seldom actually needed him.

The Navy was a disaster for me, I signed up, went to do the intake to become an electronics specialist, something I really enjoyed and was a challenge. That is the day my life fell apart. I was “IN” the Navy and had no way to escape enlistment. I scored really high on all the tests, I could have gone into the Nuclear program until… I was pulled out of line into a closed room where I was interrogated for about half an hour. Alone, I was left until the end of the day, stressed out and scared, no support, a teenager that entered that day with dreams of success and hope for a great future… I was finally told I had two choices. 

I remembered the tests from my early days, 6th grade I think… “Look at this picture and tell me the number you see?” over and over, card after card, when it was done, not a word… I thought “OHH GOOD, I PASSED THE COLOR BLIND TEST!”

It was now that fateful day after getting pulled aside. Navy doctors scrutinized my every part, every answer, interaction… Something was not right, but what? At age 18, I was informed, “You are color blind” They went on to say “Did you really think you could fool us?” Gasping for my breath, they continued to describe what will happen to if I continued to lie on official US dept of Navy documents.

My dreams slipped out of my mind like a walleye always, somehow finds a hole in the bottom of a fishing net.

Terrified, I was told they would give me a break. Taking another type of test, this time three colored lights, one green, one white and one red. I was relieved they told me the colors, at least I knew what to look for… I could tell the reds… NAILED THE REDS. I had no clue about the whites and greens, they both looked identical…

In a fit of disbelief, the doctors said, “How could you not know you are color blind?” I had 2 choices, become a cook in the belly of the beast feeding thousands of men (believe me, that was not appealing) or become “Builder” (guess what i picked)? I went on the be trained on how to take an unleveled spot of ground and transform it into a building with all the finishes.

How was I able to make it through 18 years of life without knowing? I don’t see colors like everyone around me? The answer to this was located in the same brain that was deficient in determining colors. It’s actually my super power. I discovered my dyslexia was actually a super power very late in life. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I had dyslexia.

I dropped out of school in Tenth grade, abandoning a two year, all expense paid scholorship at the U of M… I’ve knew I had dyslexia from before 6th grade, but I had no idea it was actually a “super power”.

The same “deficiency that makes me have scrambled words and makes writing so difficult and reading nearly impossible allows me to excel in “pattern recognition”… TROUBLSHOOTING! It’s what makes electronics so appealing and makes my brain see problems so easily.

But, not just patterns in things and stuff. Dyslexia helps me recognize patterns in personalities, systems, procedures and concepts.

Are you wondering “how can he drive? He can’t see green lights” … But, I can see patterns and I can recognize shapes and systems, so even though I can’t see that green light, I can see when the light is “out” of place or better yet, I can see when a light is “supposed to be there”. 

Dyslexia is a super power, and even though I can’t see green lights, spot a drop of blood on a brown leaf, determine the colors on a color code for electronics… I learned to adapt, overcome and actually excel in trouble shooting industrial boilers. I had a super power! I would not trade this super power in to be able to see colors, even If I could. 

I sit back and wonder why I was never told, “you are color blind” . Was this some cheap way of sparing my gentle heart from the disappointment of not being “perfect”? Imagine what difference it would have made if I had known I was color blind? I didn’t know I was color blind because instead I have the super power of Dyslexia. I was able to not just overcome the issue of not seeing colors, but it helped me develop my career and adult life in an amazing way…

I was told I had a deficiency in seeing colors, a deficiency in reading and writing and as my 6th grade teacher wrote on my year end report card “Charlie is not much use”… The reality is, my brain was different, and my teachers were not smart enough to provide me with the healthy challenges and guidance I needed to become successful, so I became “Autodidactic”.

God alone knew my path, he protected my journey, he was kind and loving, he gave me a “super power” and I bet you have one as well! Have you discovered it yet? I was in my late 40s when I started to discover I actually have two super powers, the other is called ADHD… Neither of them needed to be muted, they work in harmony… If you know what to look for, you will see ADHD has the gift of “hyper focus” and that hyper focus coupled with superior pattern recognition means my brain is perfect for troubleshooting almost anything, God knew that, God gave me this combined gift. 

Have you discovered your super power? If not, reach out in prayer today and ask God to give you a correct view of your life. Maybe stop, ask God to reveal to you what his will is for you, he has one. God made you perfect, and you would benefit from knowing just how perfect HE made you. 

In HIS service, C.

PS, no, I really cant see a number in the picture

PSS, Join the Navy, see the world, from the belly of a ship….