Living Hazzardously

Little pieces of our journey with Jesus

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Humiliated, Humbled or Humble

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In our society the word “humbled” often means putting someone in their place: Ex. “I sure humbled Jack! I showed him his place in life!” I don’t know if this is the best way to win folks over to your side, by “putting them in their place”. I think there are better ways, but I also understand “There is a time for every purpose, under heaven!” (I can hear the tune, can you). I have done this so many times in my life, putting them in their place feels good, for a minute. To be honest, sometimes it’s the only thing left in some situations. I usually reserve this approach to the defense of others. 

Is it ok to “call out” a person for treating another person in a less than Christian manner? I think it is not just ok, I see it as our duty in life as a Christian. I think the Bible is very clear that we should not back off of this! Approaching it with love, kindness and understanding… but never “not address injustice”.

Or maybe you are more like Moses?

Humbling yourself before the Lord? In other words, knowing  the truth of where you actually fit into the narrative? I think we all like the idea of knowing the truth of where we actually fit in hierarchies and social orders. We may not like it or maybe we won’t even accept it, we may strive to change it or we just sit back and whine a bit… but I do think we should find comfort in truth, even uncomfortable truth.

Well, yesterday I sat down in the hallway at Sam’S Place… I just sat down and felt the need to pray, not for anything, not about anything but just sit down and say “THANK YOU GOD”. thank you for all the hands that help, thank you for the purpose in life, thank you for everything you are accomplishing here, thank you for the volunteers, donations and help.

I realize that God is ultimately the one driving the bus, and I realize I am given the job of tour guide. I realize that everyone on the bus sees me standing in front and giving the speech of where we are and describing the scene outside… But I can’t control where the bus goes. Or how fast we are going. Or even the bumps, lanes and hills… All I can do is pay attention to where we are and do my best to translate the scene to those that are taking the tour with us. 

So, back to the hallway, I sat down, remembered the tour… the volunteers that painted, the skilled labor, the unskilled labor… THE DREAMS WE HAVE vs THE REALITY WE GET! As I sat there, my friend Wayne approached from the stairway behind me, placed his hand on my shoulder, just knowing people care is enough to sustain me and give me hope. I know God is ever present in this project. Is that what humility feels like? Making me well up inside with the joy that surpasses all understanding? GOD has this. I just need to climb those steps, one more time. 

I felt God’s presence at Sam’s Place yesterday, as I have many days before, but yesterday was somehow different. I couldn’t help but wonder who it was that stopped in their day and prayed for me, but I know somebody had done just that. There was some faith filled prayer warrior out there, praying for me, and I knew it. So I too stopped, and I just said “Thank you”.

I don’t pray often enough, that I know… I also don’t pray that God teaches me “humility” or “patience” or “faith”… perhaps I should? But those prayers are life lessons I try to avoid, I trust God gives me what I need to do his will, so I pray that often. “Teach me your will, Reveal your will and Provide for me the means to carry out your will” I figure, that’s enough for now.

So, for today, I ask you to pray for us to be successful in wrapping up at Sam’s Place, we are very close to opening the first wing, VERY close… but I think the next step may need more prayer than all the days that have led us to this point in time… filling this old building with people to love and care for. 

How do we take the next step? What is the next step?

I am reminded of this verse:

James 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

The way I read this verse is that there are folks that have nobody left (widows) and folks that nobody takes care of (orphans), regardless of age, regardless of social status, regardless of ability… to “visit” them doesn’t mean to go to where they live and have them cook dinner for me… it means to cloth them, feed them, give them a home, To LOVE your your neighbor as yourself… to give and provide…….. “ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

The humble heart is a thing of beauty.

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Fairytales, unkept promises, like Disneyland.

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The other day Jess and I were chatting and reminiscing about our previous lives. I wonder if other couples talk about “Before we met”. Do other blended family couples pretend the past has simply vanished? Or are we different, I don’t know. In our conversation I mentioned I never got to take the boys on a “fairytale vacation”, like Disneyland or a cruise or some far off land where every families dreams come true… I glanced at Jess, just in time, to see her face turn down and she looked so sad… I will divulge why in a few paragraphs, but first, I will dig into my fairytale vacation. 

What was my “Fairytale” trip with my three sons? I had so many trips planned, some big, some small but all were amazing (in my minds eye). Do you have a fairytale trip? Or maybe life beat you down like it did to me and you never fully recovered from that beating? Probably my biggest fairytale trip was driving and camping to the east coast and west coast… East to Washington DC and Maine for National history then drop down to Tennessee, the Blue ridges, Kentucky and back up to good old Minnesota… West through Montana to Washington to see the ocean and swing south to see the Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower, Mount Rushmore and back up to the cities.  

My Trips were always the “natural” wonders and places of historical relevance. I never wanted to see Disneyland (and to be honest, it’s repulsive to think about going there now). Jess however had a different set of dreams… The one thing in common was a desire to share the world with our children, being with them and growing together. Jess had grandparents that took the 3 sisters on trips all over… These trips are still invoking fond memories for Jess. These trips are more than just a vacation, they took Jess on a childhood wonderland that nurtured her innocence, satisfied her adventurous side and filled her with years of joy filled memories.

I too have “fond” memories of trips my father took us on… I never had trips with the Grands. My trips involved a hot car, laying on the floor of the back seat right above the exhaust discharge and being shoved into the back window deck of a 1969 Ford Fairlane 2-door… 5 kids, mom and dad and my smelly dog named Tobias Winslow. Coat hangers were “professionally” installed and held up the exhaust that contained more soup cans that obviously exceeded the original equipment specs. I would say it hardly leaked much exhaust into the passenger compartment, never making us sick. The gas tank fell out rounding the corner of Broadway and Penn Ave on our way back from the Salvation Army Store (collecting more of my fathers hoarder stuff) and more “MacGyver creativity” with wire coat hangers to make the perfect long term repair. But that is yet another story.

Back to Jess… you see, Jess had made a promise to Sam, a mothers promise to her son that when he could use the “potty” like a big boy, they would take a trip to the most magical place in all the world. A place that held mystery, magic and hope… The dream of all dreams where fantasy comes true… As Walt himself once said “I think most of all what I want Disneyland to be is a happy place… where parents and children can have fun, together”

This “Fairytale” was about to start slipping away, a journey of around 20 years… A dream that was murdered by the heartless folds of life. Year after year, Jess held on to this promise, never intending to “skip out”. Never intending to make a promise that she would never keep. As Al grew, his behaviors became a daily management task, a full time job! So big was the job of being Als mom, that she soon fell into a serious depression. So deep that it kept her locked into the room marked “SURVIVAL ONLY” for many years. The hard decision was made, she had to separate Sam from Al, to keep Sam safe.

Doing the only thing she could, she moved blocks away from her baby boy, keeping in mind the promise of Disneyland, putting Sam’s safety ahead of herself and providing everything Al needed. Jess had now laid down her life for her two little boys, putting them first in everything. Torn in half, broken, beaten and collapsing under the weight, but holding onto the Hope of Jesus… As she watched her dream of Disneyland slipping further away, she settled into a reality that hurt and could not be avoided. Disneyland was slipping further away from reality. 

Jess and I don’t plan on giving up our dreams of travel across the USA, but it gets complicated. We have our shared dreams, our “places to go” lists. Our question is “HOW”. We have tried so many different ideas on how to make our trips a reality, but there is so much we still need to iron out… It may be hard for many to imagine, but traveling with Al is way more complicated than traveling with a baby in a car seat. Or as my father did, having us laying on the floor or on the ledge of the back window. Travel with Al is actually always “traveling for Al”. I can see how Disneyland was never a viable option, I have learned so much about the stress families have with a special needs child… I never would have guessed it could be this hard. Don’t get me wrong, Al is a blessing and we love him, I don’t regret for a minute being his provider, parent and teacher… But, to be completely transparent, he is not easy to take care of.

I bet you thought this was about Disneyland… It is actually about the broken heart of a mother?

Sam is buried only a couple miles down the road, Jess likes to stop in from time to time to sit, remember and pretend to have a conversation with Sam. I am sure she likes to imagine Sam running around Disneyland, smiling, eating too much junk food and just being her baby boy that learned how to “Potty like a big boy”…

The dream is never going to become reality now. The stress of losing a son when he is only 22. Breaking a life long promise. Somedays, this would be more than enough to put the strongest of men into bed, weeping for days… Jess is amazing, strong, resilient and capable. Although the “fantasy” trip to Disneyland has been retired, she has found a new hope, a new dream and a new reason to pursue life.

Grandbabies! Sophia, Sadie and the one due in April… Sam’s place. The Redwood forest, the Gulf stream waters. The dreams are different now. The Lord always has and will continue to sustain us, comfort us and give us HOPE, hope comes from God. 

I was told only babies cry, so I guess I am the biggest baby of all. One day I want to write about why I always joke when emotions are high. If you have ADHD, you may very well be very empathetic, you can feel the pain of others, sometimes more than the person who is feeling the emotions… I think that’s me.

May Gods presence be with you today and always, Charlie.

The Decision Game.

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Why do we do things we later regret? Is it because we get smarter? Do we learn new insights? Are we enlightened? Or do we simply make a decision based on our emotions and then process over time using our intellect to evaluate that decision?

Paul wrote the “DO DO” verse (Romans 7:15-20)  where he talks about doing what he does not want to do and not doing what he should do… I think he was reflecting on my life when he penned that letter! 

Doing something that leads to regret is an experience we have all had and we all live with our secret regrets as well as the public regerts(intentional miss-spelling). I have plenty of my own… but some things I thought were so big, so ridiculous and so obviously a knee jerk, emotional decision that I made a fool of myself…. 

Let’s look at a decision I have made recently, Buying a hospital… This was huge, but I haven’t felt a moment of regret, and may I say, neither has Jess! Although I did find regret in keeping my thumb in a location where I also had allotted for a hammer head…

How did we not feel a little regret? Why was this such an easy decision? What was different about buying a hospital versus when I bought a red one ton truck that the engine failed in the first week? The red truck I know was an emotional purchase, I knew it had a high level of failure, I even anticipated the reality that I may need to replace the engine in the future… but this red truck is full of REGRET! But the hospital (Sam’s Place) has zero regert. 

Why are these two decisions so different? I can honestly look back on the red truck and say “FOOL” I made a mistake, I broke one of my cardinal rules and bought this without sitting and waiting for 72 hours before I buy anything over $500.00… This waiting period has served me well my entire life, but it seems every time I violate this rule, regret is waiting for me in all its splendor, just on the other side… 

How do we connect our heart to our head? I don’t want to dismiss my emotions, but I do want them to stay in submission to my intellect. Emotions are so valuable, they can motivate us to action, but they can also lead us into inaction, being scared to make a bad decision…

I really believe we need to reel in our emotions when it’s time to make a decision, stop and let our intellect lead the way. Our emotions (sometimes referred to as “follow your heart”) is the true path to regret. If we stop, wait, think, reflect, just give it 72 hours to call our emotions into check, we will make great decisions, with less regerts.

Sam’s Place has been a decision with no regrets, and God has been blessing this move every step of the way, we still have a very long way to go, but a long path in the right direction, following God’s leading, we really can’t feel regret, in “HIS will”.

So, I ask you this question, is God leading you to take a step of faith? A leap off the safe cliff into the clouds of His will? Paul said it in Romans… he has regrets for not doing the things he ought to do, he does differentiate a greater regret for doing things he ought not do, but alludes the reader to see that not doing has as much regret as doing the wrong things. 

I now ask you a final question, would you consider talking to God today? Ask him how you can help someone in your influence, and ask him to guide your decisions?

With a deep concern for you. Charlie