My wife is the greatest gift I have ever had, but even she comes with “struggles”… I know I am perfect and bring her no grief, struggles or frustrations… I am perfect! Or am I blind?
I have had my struggles in life and some folks may still refer to me as a struggle for them (what? me??). Why does it seem the most demanding relationships are the ones we value the most? The hardest relationships are the ones we seem to never give up on.. and never quit?
I noticed many years ago that we all have a tendency to view our actions from a perspective of our own intent, yet we seem to view others’ intent by their actions… What does this look like played out in a relationship? Let’s dive into this frustration today, head long and eyes wide shut.
Today we are going to name our characters Jim and Jane.
Jim walks in and declares “Can someone please stop putting the dogs outside every time I need to get something done? Can’t you just watch them for a minute?”
Jim is assuming the dogs are put outside (Jane’s action) to make Jane’s life easier (Jane’s intent)…
Jane puts the dogs outside (Jane’s action) to watch how the dogs love to be with Jim during the chores (Jane’s intent)…
Jim judged her intent from her action.
Jane judged her actions on her intent.
We can easily switch everything, Names, scenarios, intents and actions… But what do we see? The person making the actions will nearly always measure the outcome by intent and the person experiencing the others actions will nearly always measure intent of the actions based on how they experience the actions… How do we come to a common ground? How do we “JUDGE RIGHTLY”
It’s even more complicated when we experience things multiple times, and see common outcomes based on our preconceptions. Is one better than the other? Maybe.. Maybe not… the important thing for Jim is to try to see it from her perspective and remembering that Jane is not his enemy… or maybe she is his enemy and she is not a faithful partner? Do we always give the benefit of the doubt? Should we assume the worst? Should we not care?
All these outcomes are hard to navigate, and harder to discern! I used to trust everyone, But my naivete has caught up to my reality and I am now a person that doesn’t trust others until they prove otherwise. There was a long time I believed the opposite, I believed that if somebody wasn’t happy in a situation, they would go talk to the other person and “clear the air”.
When I married Jess in 2015, I was a person of total distrust, I trusted nobody and never gave people a chance to prove otherwise… she has melted that cold hard heart. Now with God & Jess’s help, I can trust again…
I think about the journey I have been on and How God has sustained me, and how I have turned my back on God many times to trust myself rather than trusting in God…. What a long road.
I have found God is able to rightly judge me, my actions, my intent and that of others in my life. This has lifted a great burden from my shoulders. Much like “Pilgrim” from the John Bunyan book “Pilgrim’s Progress”. The amazing thing is like the John who penned the book of Revelation, this John was also in prison when he penned his book.
If these men (and many others) can find joy, hope and trust in prison, we can find trust in our homes.
Today, assume the person’s actions that caused you adversity were from a place of purely good intent. Assume the person is your friend and is looking for the best for you. Assume your actions can be misinterpreted as the other person experiences the fall out of your actions. Remember, only God can rightly see all that is in a person’s heart, but if our default is to assume our closest relationships are people that only want what’s best for us, we will all be happier, live longer and be deeper in love…
May the Lord our God teach you to trust.
Charlie