Its no secret that I deal with a great deal of childhood trauma. Although I was formed in a life of trauma, trauma doesnt defining who I have become. Nowadays, I try to recognize how I may help others. Others that have had the same or similar type of experiences… I try to meet them on the journey of life, so that we may both find success in spite of our pasts.
It seems like every so often I am reminded of a memory of yet another “something” I endured as a child. This weeks memory was… Looking back on the days of living in a rat infested home on the Northside of Minneapolis… some of the ways my father “euthanized” these creatures… I had blocked it out for years, but it came back to me the other day, the smell, sights and sounds is not something I want to publish in a public blog, sedistic, cruel and not humane, just torture! Not something I choose to remember but rather an event I wished I had never been around for.
I talk to my younger brother and talk through the details from time to time, just to remember the details of our troubled past. This helps to clarify it wasn’t just “some kid, making stuff up in his head”…realizing what I had seen, heard, smelled and felt, this is somehow freeing…. And in other ways its damning…. My past what made me who I am but it is not the essence of who I am.
As I sat at Sam’s Place the other day, having a spot of lunch. I was talking to a couple of our guys, one of them triggered this memory from my childhood… Later I confirmed with my brother the experience we had as small boys growing up in the house of horrors… If it had just been rats, I suppose I could have overlooked it easier. But the cats, so many cats and the way he did it… and what he did to my poor little pup, “Tobias winslow the third” (the picture is not my pup, but looks just like him)
A bedlington terrier and poodle mix. I sat for hours with himgrowing up, we just hung out… but I couldn’t take him with in my later teens life of rebellion when I moved into the phase of life called “the couch days”
My pup was a super sweet fella, he was always happy to see me when ever I could get back home, but then there was the last time I came home to be greeted by the fuzzy little guy… I found him blocked into his dog house with a piece of plywood, mom said he had been block in for days, in the summer heat. I ripped the dog house open to find my pup alive but looking like he should not be living… infections had invaded his skin, he was covered in poo but he was still my buddy, the only “person” that was always happy to see me… I cried. For hours I cried. How could this be that my little gray pup would be treated this way… and I felt the guilt from not being there to protect him from the man that abused or took advantage of every creature in his world.
This is not where I want to leave the story, there is redemption and victory. My father was filled with pride, but even he became humble in his last days, as he faced the inevitable call of the timeless outcome…. we must all one day see face to face… Death visited my pup as an act of mercy, I saw the most beautiful creature of my life abused, neglected and it was my fault for not being there when he needed me, my loyal, little, fuzzy grey pup…
These events have shaped my life, not dictated my path, I may have experienced these events as a child but as a man I can choose to rise above them and see the pain others are in. I want to meet others and let them know its not who they are, it doesnt need to define them… there is victory if you truely want to find it, it just looks different, but it only comes from Jesus.
So what is my message today?
No more victims, today I only see the victor in you.
Its simple…but so difficult. I believe there is Victory in Jesus, not because I choose to have victory but rather I surender my victimhood to Jesus and he nailed it to the cross! So that I may take part in his Victory! You can too.
Each day, start with being a victor over something, even if its just getting out of bed… GET UP! Feel that? Its victory! Now lets work on making your bed, even if its just putting the bed spread over the messy sheet, you can do it, do it every day and claim that as your victory until its becomes a normal part of life. Maybe a month, or even longer, now take that next step, put the pillow straight. Maybe the sheet is next? Find victory in something, anything! One step at a time, you got this… I believe in you even if you dont. Keep stepping, dont give up! So what, you didnt succeed at your goal today, but what did you succeeed in dong? Lets focus on that instead! There you go, step up tomorrow. Keep going, even if its something small, be intentional, DO IT!
This my friend is how you can beat it, with Jesus all things are not just possible, they are worth it.
God Bless my friend, you got this, C.
