Archives for May 2019

The year was 1979 and for all I knew, my life was normal, lower mid-class family, living in North Minneapolis. Nothing significant or out of the ordinary. I was baptized in 6th grade at a LCMS right after a service on a beautiful Sunday morning, My mother usually brought us to church on the bus… but today, My father drove us. Dad only stayed for few minutes before he needed to take a cigarette break that lasted the rest of the service. So there I was, “normal”. I had no clue bare butt spankings with a wire coat hanger that left stripes, stripes that fused to your underwear. I knew it wasn’t “right” but was it not “normal”? Public humiliation & belittling for wetting the bed, that is normal too?….Profane insults, horrible words & statements like “you kids are the worst (colorful expletive) thing that ever happened to me” would now set the stage for the next few chapters in my life… but to me it was normal. Trust is never easy for me, even today…

I was working in the garden when my mother called me inside. Grandpa died in some far away state out west. He was my champion! Rumor says he knew every verse in the bible by heart (rumors only? sure). I remember He stood up for me against my father. I was overwhelmed and I remember breaking down and asking God to do something in my life. I dont remember exactly what, but I made a deal with God. I told God that I would always follow him and He would always be the one I trusted. 

Years had past since I had friends in the house. My father’s hoarding took on epic levels. The bath tub, the kitchen sink, the dinette, dining room, living room, basement and finally the our bed rooms… including my bed. I prayed and asked why. I don’t remember a time I didn’t feel Gods presence, but nothing changed!

When my mother fell and hurt her back, the doctors prescribed pain meds, as much as she wanted! Always stoned, never in touch with life. More and more pain meds. 

My rebellion started with a “party” where I learned to drink. I ran into at least three cars while pedaling my bike home. I learned how easy it was to steal smokes from my father.

My sixth grade year: the year I started drinking & smoking cigarettes, but still listened to my Snoopy radio that I had found and fixed.

Fall of 1979 finally came around. I became friends with some of the old timers in the neighborhood. John with the perfect lawn, the Kurkies who always had cookies and Mr Jones who worked in his garage sharpening roofing blades. MR JONES. What happened to me in that garage is something no young boy should ever experience. Scared and confused, afraid to tell anyone, especially my father…. I yelled at God and I determined to fight God over this for about 25 years.

I lived a life trying to prove I was “normal” all I wanted was to be normal, and I tried to prove it alone, without God. I dropped out of school as a sophomore. Started living at friend’s houses and working, Drinking, smoking, doing drugs of every kind and proving I was a normal guy. I tried to show the world I was not that guy in the garage. I was determined to prove to the world “I was normal”. By 21, I had a daughter. I was never there for her; I cant undo that! Not being there for her is my biggest regret in life.

At 25, I got married, had three sons and lived a “normal life”. I was now the dad I should have been. Trying to prove I was a normal guy, a good dad, the classic “man’s man”, I was very good at doing things my way, and I guess I still am. 

At age 34, 9 years into a 20 year marriage that was only getting worse, my MOM was about to give me a Christmas present that would change everything. $200.00 cash.

I decided to tell God he needed to prove to me that he wanted me back. He needed to prove to me he still loved me after all the things I did, after all the girls I hurt. After all the horrible things I had done over the years. (I don’t recommend this approach, its not a good idea.) But our God is bigger than our issues. I was at work one day and I drove by a “Northwestern Book Store”, when a still small voice said, “go” and I went… God “needed” to show me what to do with this $200.00. I knew God would not be able to show me anything in that store… I knew it and I was kinda gloating about it because I have dyslexia and reading for any amount of time is so burdensome that I simply do not read. But, OUR GOD IS BIGGER THAN OUR ISSUES. There it was, I knew in an instant why God wanted me in that store… an audio bible,(bound in a nice vinyl case containing CDs) that cost $199.00… I bought it and it changed my life forever. I couldn’t stop listening, all day at work, at home, everywhere! BIBLE BIBLE BIBLE. For the first time in my life, I read, well listened to God’s Word, cover to cover. 

My marriage got worse. I heard comments like… “Don’t expect me to become some bible fanatic like you!” It was ugly. I don’t have a need to share more of that chapter today. My marital status changed to single.

In 2015, I married Jessica, my best friend and helpmate. We met at church, in choir. She stole my heart! We are now a blended family of 8 guys (if you include our two dogs) and one gal. I had never known a God centered marriage, but together we are both discovering how a God centered marriage works. (I am still a hard man to live with, but she has more grace than I have issues). She is absolutely the greatest. 

I don’t know why God chooses to keep me safe and helped me endure the hard-aches, sufferings, abuse & self destructive behaviors. I have experienced a father who was abused by his drunken father. I have experienced a mother who was checked out on pain killers for years. I have experienced first hand the self-destruction of drugs and alcohol. I have experienced a marriage destroyed with infidelity and drinking. I have experienced a friend that drank his life away after being laid off. I have experienced survival. I have experienced the joy of a Godly wife that learned how to manage her addiction(through faith in JESUS). I have experienced so much, both good and bad. It’s hard to believe that Our God is bigger than our issues at times. BUT HE IS

I have a tattoo on my chest, it is a reminder of so much. I guess in a way its a life verse. It’s written in Hebrew, it reads… “there is a time for love and a time for hate, Ecclesiastes 3:8” there is a time for everything, good & bad. This tattoo is a reminder of where I have been but more than that it reminds me that JESUS was always there, in all the pain, sorrow and struggles but even more-so, Jesus still is here with me.

Everyone has a story. Your story is different than mine, but every story is just as important as the next story… Please ask yourself these two questions: What are you going to do with my story?, What are you going to do with your story?

It has been awhile since Charlie and I have shared on the blog. Life has been busy and we have had a couple wrenches thrown into our plans lately, but God is faithful and although His plans are not always what we want, they are always good and ultimately better than anything we can imagine for ourselves.

The last two Sundays, Charlie and I were given the privilege to share our testimonies at church. We shared them as a means of introducing a new ministry that will be starting at the church we attend in Marcell. Life Recovery is a Christian 12 Step Ministry that helps bring hope to the hurting and allows those who are recovering to share hope with others. Charlie and I can both testify to the hope and healing that comes through a relationship with Jesus Christ. We have decided to share our testimonies here on the blog. Our stories are a tiny glimpse of the transformation that can occur through faith in Jesus Christ and the grace that He has shown us in our brokenness.

My testimony is below and Charlie’s will be shared in the coming week. To God be the Glory!

I was born to unmarried, young parents. My mom was sixteen and my dad was twenty. My upbringing was very unpredictable, as my dad was an alcoholic and a drug dealer and could be very violent. We were poor and lived in low-income housing or with my grandparents most of my younger years. My only exposure to church or God were the few occasions we went to the Catholic Church with my grandma. I enjoyed attending church then, but was confused by what I thought of as the “rituals” and felt awkward and out of place. My dad was an atheist and wanted nothing to do with the church of his upbringing. My mom had been baptized and confirmed, but no longer attended church or ever spoke of God, so my exposure to God was very limited. I was never baptized or dedicated as an infant and had no understanding of the true meaning of such holidays as Christmas and Easter.

I was a perfectionist and struggled with enormous anxiety in my preteens. I struggled with an eating disorder and depression. My freshman year of high school I began to rebel and started skipping school and refusing to get out of bed. Soon after, I discovered alcohol and believed that it was my solution to the overwhelming social anxiety I struggled with. I quickly became addicted to alcohol and drugs and went from being a straight A student to dropping out of school my sophomore year. I left home and moved in with my drug-dealing boyfriend and his family. I started working in bars and hanging out with people who would support my habit. I was extremely depressed and full of guilt and shame for the way I was living and attempted suicide on two occasions. I had no God in my life, but would pray in moments of desperation for God to let me die.

I went through my first addiction treatment program at the age of sixteen and again at eighteen, but never took sobriety seriously. I was given a moment of clarity when on July 4, 1995, I left a family picnic driving drunk and rolled my car off a dirt road onto the front yard of someone’s home. I was so drunk that I did not realize that my car was upside down until after I had crawled out of the side window and stood up and looked back. It was the middle of the day and all around me were children in their yards. They just stood staring at me. I escaped with no legal consequences or serious personal injuries, but the reality of how close I had come to killing one of those children has never left me. I enrolled in my third and final treatment program soon after and finally found lasting sobriety. By the grace of God, I have been sober since July 24, 1996.

I became active in AA, but struggled with the God concept and clung to the idea of a God of my own understanding. I met and married my ex-husband who was also in AA after I became pregnant with my first child. We were married for twelve years and God blessed us with two children, Al and Sam. We struggled in many areas throughout our marriage and divorced. I have come to understand that without Jesus at the center of a marriage, it is almost impossible to endure the storms of life. My children are my greatest gifts. They have taught me more about life and love than I ever imagined possible.

Even in my sobriety, I did not know Jesus and struggled with anxiety and depression and control issues. In August, 2004, my mom died unexpectedly from complications of diabetes. Losing my mom was extremely hard for me. She was living in California and I had only seen her once in the two years prior to her death. I had never heard her speak of God and the reality of death and not knowing where she was going hit me. I knew that I wanted to know what I believed, and I wanted others to know, as well. I started attending a church in Savage in August of 2004 during a sermon series based on the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. The sermon series impacted me and the Holy Spirit was softening my heart. On Good Friday, 2005, I attended a service which reenacted the crucifixion of Christ. It was then I finally came to understand that Jesus died on the Cross for me and the forgiveness of my sins. I accepted Christ that night and wept for hours in the freedom I experienced.

I have walked with Christ ever since. I became very active in my church. I served in Children’s Ministry, Prayer Ministry, Worship Team and attended many Bible Studies. Most importantly, I came to know God personally through prayer and Bible reading. My church family became my brothers and sisters and God blessed me through those relationships tremendously. I experienced a new freedom and a new happiness that only comes through faith in Christ.

In 2014, I felt God pulling me in a new direction – to a new church. I did not understand why and I fought it for quite a while, but I began to feel more and more disconnected from God in my disobedience. That June, I moved to a new church and while singing in the choir, I met Charlie Hazzard, who I married on June 12, 2015! Our God is a God of second chances and he has blessed me with a man who loves the Lord, and I am so grateful to walk with my husband in Christ. Our blended family has a total of five sons and two male dogs! I am eagerly awaiting the addition of a new daughter-in-law! Finally another girl! (

In my 22 years of sobriety, I have grown so much by sharing in joys and struggles with others. I have stayed active in 12 Step Groups, including both AA and Celebrate Recovery. God has set me free from my addiction to alcohol and drugs, but I still struggle with ongoing anxiety, depression, and control issues. I am always growing and learning how to deal with these strongholds and through faith in Christ, I have been given tools in the Word of God, the 12 Steps, and fellowship with other believers. Charlie and I are passionate about sharing the freedom we have found in Christ with others. We hope to start a Life Recovery Group in the near future and provide a space for others who want to break free from sin habits and become all that God has created them to be!

My Life Verse:

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

I love this verse because I spent so many years of my life walking in fear and darkness and feeling like I had no way out. Christ found me and He saved me. I am a new creation in Christ. There are still moments when I struggle with fear, but I am no longer alone. I am the child of a loving God who will never leave or forsake me. Everyone has this hope in Christ! No matter where you have been or what you have done, it is never too late for a new beginning.